The Darkest Glimpse of Light
By Misty Flores - mistyjox@hotmail.com

Teaser: In bitter irony, Cordelia begins to face death, just as Angel begins to truly live.
Rating: NC-17 
Genre: Angel/Cordelia
Spoilers: Up to Lullaby, speculation upon Birthday.
Notes: Serving up one plate of smutty angst.

--
Cutting through the darkest night with my two head lights
Trying to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here, to the twilight
There's a dead end to my left, there's a burning bush to my right
You aren't in sight, you aren't in sight

Do you want me like I want you

Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you
Passing my by
-- Jewel - Standing Still
--

She should have noticed it. They all should have noticed the small, subtle, tangible clues that came without warning. The clues had been there, had they actually taken the time to look, to truly sit and try to comprehend the little things that didn't make sense, the little things that eventually made every sense in the world come completely alive.

The roles that came to Angel and Cordelia were slowly changing, mutating, and the change, while simple and deviant, came from within, or because of, depending on whom you asked, their close relationship with the other.

One argued that the reason Angel and Cordelia allowed the other in, succeeded in warming hearts that had been sworn to be closed off forever, was because they had never expected it. He had never expected to view the cheerleader as anything other than a friend. She had long ago sworn to never even consider the vampire as anything but 'no boffing' material.

But the little clues were there, in the darkness of Angel's eyes as he would view the Seer when she descended the steps. The small smile that would drift up on her face when she thought the vampire wasn't looking. The look of betrayal and behavior of a woman scorned, that came from Cordelia when Darla returned to their lives heavy with child, and the guilt and meekness with which Angel accepted her behavior as justifiable.

If one wasn't convinced, such as Charles Gunn, then Winnifred Burkle, dedicated to studying the evolving relationship between vampire and seer, would point out Angel's preoccupation with keeping Cordelia safe, and remind Wesley that when the Seer's life was in jeopardy, the narrowmindedness, blindness of Angel's actions. She would also remark on Cordelia's preoccupation with Angel's curse, Cordelia's vapid anger at any women who sent even a lingering glance in Angel's direction, the possessiveness with which they regarded each other blatant and true.

Even so, Charles and Wesley made one last effort, in a desperate plea to try to disregard the increasingly difficult situation quickly getting out of hand, stating the brother and sister relationship that Angel and Cordelia had always shared.

Fred merely had to stare, for them to shift in their seat and pull away from that excuse.

She should have noticed.

But Cordelia, sinking against the door, body tired and heavy and splintering with pain, hadn't, and with the headache pounding through her head, as if knives were slivering her brain into mush, she made no attempt to deny it, never even let them know she was there, hanging on to every word.

Instead her mouth went dry, her throat suddenly became parched, and her heart jolted within her, causing her to painfully swallow down the well of emotion that decided to come with it.

Cordelia in love with Angel.

Cordelia Chase, ill-fated Seer and tired ex-cheerleader and princess, closed her eyes, leaning against the door, taking in a breath. Had she really been so blind as to not notice her heart? Had she really deluded herself into thinking she saw him as nothing more than a friend?

One week, one day, one hour ago she might have argued- would have flung open the door and demand the three have their heads checked for even suggesting what she and Angel had was anything but friendship.

Cordelia Chase had a colorful vocabulary, and even now, her mind flitted with different phrases she might have used on the hapless members of Angel Investigations, 'deluded', 'stupid', 'half-witted' and 'retards' definitely in the top ten.

But only five minutes before she had walked into the Hyperion Lobby unannounced, body numb, mind splintered and heart heaving, stifling between the urge to panic, break into sobs in the chair she often used post vision, or even worse, tell them what she now knew, thanks to a demon who could have been Skeletor's half brother, named Skip.

The talk had been enlightening, and short, considering the content had shaken Cordelia's very world out from under her.

Delusions and misconceptions that rested quite comfortably in Cordelia's brain, had given way to the grim and hard reality, and why she had been chosen for this particular fate, why she even bothered to ask, she never understood.

Why her? Why now? Why everything crumpling down on her now?

Behind closed doors, the conversation continued, and Cordelia, wiping away tears, stepped away from it, not bearing to hear anymore, not wanting her truly beautiful and sweet relationship with Angel turned into something angst ridden and sordid – Goodness knew they had more than enough of those.

The giggling of the baby was what made her pause, freeze, her heart skipping a half beat, and steeling herself, she turned.

The vampire was frozen, hands holding the squirming child, eyes locking with her immediately.

In his expression she read guilt, confusion... he had been listening too...

Swallowing hard, she heard the words again, as they continued to speak in low whispers, about what was to be done.

Hazel eyes met dark brown as they listened, never letting their gazes leave each other.

"What can we do?"

"Nothing, I suppose. Let it be."

"Ummm... English? You stupid or something? We can't just 'let it be'."

"Gunn, I am aware-"

"But-"

"Yes, Fred?"

Cordelia felt flush under Angel's intense gaze, her face warming, cheeks turning to a vivid shade of red, burning on her skin.

"What if they were meant to love each other?"

The child continued to squirm, Angel never moved, and as the words went through Cordelia's body. It broke her, face almost crumpling, hands trembling into fists before she pushed away from the door, tearing her eyes away from his.

"Here, I'll put him down."

His fingers were cold under her hands, but they still scorched, and she shuddered, but ignored it, cradling Angel's child, the child she secretly wished was hers, to her body and moving away from him, burying her face into the little baby's shoulder and inhaling deeply, fleeing from the lobby, from the team, from Angel.

She could feel his gaze on her back even as she ran up the stairs.

--

She knew him.

She knew he would follow.

She knew the moment he stepped into the abandoned hotel room, that had been converted into a nursery, that everything would change.

Because he knew. Because she knew. Because they both knew, and they knew the other person knew.

But only she knew the rest of it.

Only she knew that, in the long run, it made absolutely no difference at all.

She felt him when she leaned over, placing the now sleeping baby who had inherited Angel's dark intense eyes in his crib. The hitch in her breath, and immediate speeding up of her pulse, alerted her to his presence even before her eyes caught him leaning against the door, face hidden by the shadows of the darkened nursery.

But she knew him. Her eyes closed and she took a breath and straightened up, not wanting to face him, not wanting to care so much-

But her eyes sought his form out, the complete silence she was grateful for ever prevalent, and in contemplation, she just stared as he walked forward, into the nursery, into what little light there was.

Things she loved about him were so apparent: the unsure face, the dark eyes that held the world, every tear and every bit of pain, in the dark orbs. Large hands that never seemed so gentle as when he held her, strong jaw that clamped together during times where she knew they would have died had it not been for him, and the hair, spiky and unchanging.

This was the Angel she had always known.

The Angel she would always know.

And the pain resurfaced, a bitter reminder of what was said tonight, her fate foretold by an apologetic demon who spilled beans that should have been kept in the bag. Things about her, things about the visions... things about Angel.

A vampire who would descend into a hell dimension to save her life, who would make deals with devils, fling himself blindly into yet another hell dimension, who told her he needed her and knew her- a vampire who would live forever- how on earth had he loved her?

How on earth had she been so blind to it?

He was trying to talk, she could see, when she forced her focus back onto him as he came hesitantly forward, feet shifting weight as he swallowed.

"You... know... what they said... down there... they don't really..."

"Angel..." Tears filled her eyes and the word broke in raspy need for truth. He paused, eyes locked on her face.

Her head slowly shook and he stopped with the fumbling, with the explanations.

It had taken outsiders to break the veil they had placed over the friendship, and in truth, they could not go back to the lies...

The wound had been opened, raw and bleeding, and Cordelia, in her desperation, did the only thing she knew how.

Her eyes drifted from his eyes, to his lips, as he walked slowly forward. Her palms were soft, as they moved to skim one powerful forearm, then another. His body was inches away now, and her eyes continually gazed at the firm mouth, her own lips parted in invitation.

For once, her vampire wasn't completely clueless. Automatically, he leaned down, wrapping her into his embrace, before gently pressing his lips against hers.

A breathy sigh met the contact, her heart jolted within her and he responded with a low moan, hunger delineating her senses as her chin tilted, allowing him in further.

Surrender emancipated any other inhibitions at the first taste, his lips moved hungrily against hers, desperately, and her body, fevered with emotions, rejoiced in the contact. Colder touch soothed the warmed skin of her too tight body, Angel's hands curving around her waist to bring her in closer, chest pressed against chest.

Cordelia broke off the embrace with a gasp, giving herself a second to breathe before reaching up again, taking a long, searching kiss without remorse from Angel. Her hands began to move, no longer interested in chaste first kisses, exploring the body she had felt hundreds of times before, in training and patching up, now with new fingers, intent on owning, possessing... making her fingertips completely alive.

Muscles contracted under her palm, accompanied by a shuddering groan as Angel gave her lips one more lick with his tongue, before moving to her jaw. Tilting her head back with a sigh, Cordelia sagged slightly, Angel more than compensating for her weakness as his hands bunched the fabric of her blouse, wrinkling it behind her and pulling her further into him.

Warm suckles accompanied low growls, and each moan brought a shudder from her, as warm, wet heat now bathed the point just below her jaw.

In her mind warnings, conditioned from years of self admonishing, began to make themselves known with nagging thoughts, with each and every tremble, each jolt that came from Angel's suckles on her neck, on her jaw.

But Cordelia knew too much now to pay attention.

The signs had been there... if she had taken the time to look. To understand.

The large body was hard and heavy against her, leaving no room to breathe as she became achingly aware of the clothes between them, hindering and rough and scratchy-

"Cordelia..."

His breath was ragged, heavy. The voice was low, dark, fighting with need and bartering for control...

"Stop." She pulled back, breaking from his touch.

Yellow glazed eyes flashed as he reached for her again, before the soul caught the vampire and Angel froze, closing his eyes and clenching his fists.

"I'm sorry- I don't-"

"Angel." Cordelia didn't understand the sudden no nonsense approach to something that should have been intensely romantic, nor did she understand why this had to happen now, but she knew...

He looked guilty, face bordering on overly broody. "Cordelia, I know that-"

"We can't do this in front of the baby."

The words were exactly what he had not expected, she could tell, but she only gave the stunned glanced a shrug, before she tangled her fingers in his and pulled, moving him out of the nursery, away from the sleeping child.

Still surprised, too stunned to argue, Angel kept her pace, fingers tightening around hers as she moved into his bedroom, pulling him into it, closing the door, letting him go as she locked it with the dead bolt.

Eyes tainted with passion that once begun, seemed impossible to stop, Cordelia turned, regarding the unsure vampire with a fixed stare.

Suddenly he wasn't close enough.

In two steps, she was back in his arms, searching his lips hungrily for the consuming kiss she had experienced only seconds before, and he gave it gladly, wrapping her into him with a hold that left her breathless, living body constricting tightly against his dead, colder one, making her gasp.

The way she threw her head back was invitation enough for him to press his lips against the tip of her chin, moving below, to a spot that made her breath quicken and her body still, seconds before her hands buried into his hair, soft, silky strands despite the hair gel he liked so much.

His body was quickly hardening, pressed flush against every curve of her body. He held her tightly with a palm spread wide against her back, leaving another free to snake between them, curving around her waist, stretching up slowly against the satiny fabric of her dark blouse, and finally encasing one breast.
 
At the first squeeze, she broke off the kiss, giving a ragged sigh, body melting further into his embrace, pushing deeper into his palm.

The reaction seemed to jerk something awake within the vampire, because he began hoarsely, "We can't, oh God, Cordelia, we can't-" seconds before he jerked her up and savagely attacked her mouth yet again. She returned the kiss ravenously.

She knew about death. In every vision she had died every different way, and she knew what death felt like. The only death she had not experienced was her own.

To die in silent rapture in an effort to give this vampire everything – in a simple memory, that was the only way this could play out.

Because she knew.

Trembling fingers desperately tugged at his sweater, pulling up until it bunched just under his chin, and Cordelia spread fingers over the glorious bare chest, eyes filling with tears before she leaned forward, sucking hotly on one pectoral, no longer caring about being gentle-

The chest rumbled underneath her lips, and the grip on her upper arms became painful as fingers wrapped around them, tightly pushing back. "What are you DOING?!"

Cordelia, dazed slightly, had no time for explanations, didn't want to sit and explain every clue, every simple clue that came since Angel's dark period and beyond that added to Angel's lack of a problem.

Just a hurried explanation was all she could afford.

"You won't lose your soul."

He was terribly quiet, the look on his face almost dangerous as dark, intense eyes glittered with almost anger, hissing in a menacing tone, "I will."

"You won't." Her chest was heaving so badly, her words barely gave breath, hardly audible, but he heard this, this immense vampire who even now held her very life in her hands.

And she loved him. God, she loved him.

He stared, just stared, before blankness pervaded his features, followed just as quickly by numb realization. "You don't think I love you."

The absurdity of the statement made a small, pained chuckle come out, and she closed her eyes, shaking her head, before she said in a voice husky with passion, "How can I not know?"

"I don't understand."

"There's nothing to understand," she whispered, coming forward, palms gentle, smoothing at the rumpled sweater, pulling down slightly. "Trust me, Angel. You won't."

"I-"

"Trust me."

Her eyes, void of any pretense, large and dark and full of pain were what convinced him, because suddenly his own eyes were hot with tears and a voice equally raspy and painful forced out a butchered, "I love you," seconds before his lips were on hers and hands were under her shirt, pulling up.

Breaking off to pull it off herself, she returned to his embrace, mouth moving from his only a second to make way for his own sweater to be tossed away before pressing herself against him yet again, and this time there was only flesh against flesh.

Constrained now only by the black lace bra, Cordelia pushed against his chest, nipples erect, almost as if her body was longing to be closer to his any way it could.

His hands moved with urgency, mouth never lost its place on her, tongue sliding between her lips to mate with hers wildly, fingers deftly fussing with the clip before the bra snapped and straps spilled forward.

When her breasts tumbled free, his palms were there to catch them, and it was only then that Angel stilled, body glistening with sweat as he cupped each handful, thumbs gentle over the sensitized nubs, eyes flickering up to her face before he squeezed once, experimentally.

Her reaction was a ragged, drawn out breath. Knees already wobbly nearly gave out, and he held her close, relinquishing one bauble to wrap his hand around her waist before he sunk to the floor, stopping only to wrap firm lips around the firm breast he still held.

Her eyes closed and she whimpered, hands moving to his shoulders to steady herself when he suckled, opening wider to take more of her in.

She was sweating. She must have tasted salty, she decided, through a hazy, clouded mind, hands clenching at Angel's strong shoulders, closing her eyes, biting her lips against the assault on her senses.

His hands now at her waist, Angel held her in place, and already gasping, Cordelia could only whimper with helplessness at the pleasure pricked with the sensation of Angel's teeth scraping gently against the nipple.

"Angel..." came the ragged breath, full of need and want...

A low chuckle rumbled against her skin, before she felt the kiss pressed directly on her belly button, heard and felt the deep breath in the vampire took, inhaling her skin.

Cordelia, eyes glazed with fevered passion, watched as he tilted his head, bit gently on her abdomen, before raising his gaze to meet hers.

God. He was trembling just as much as she was.

But his hands were nothing but firm as they moved to the zipper of her jeans. Angel, now kneeling in front of her, undid her button and jerked down the denim, catching her as she lost her balance and slid forward, into his lap, mouth falling into a lustful kiss with his own.

His strength never failed to amaze her, as he scooped her up, never missing a movement with her mouth, stumbling toward the bed that had almost been forgotten.

She fell back onto the soft mattress, kicking off the jeans and her underwear with a furious gesture. It took her fingers on his waist, on his belt, inches above his very discernable erection that Cordelia finally understood what was so shocking about this.

Angel was in love with HER.

Angel was making love with HER.

Angel's baby loved HER.

Cordelia Chase – with a vampire lover who had morphed with a human soul, who had a human child, who loved her with dark eyes and a dark soul and a dark love that took her breath away – that Cordelia Chase- would die from the very thing, that had tied him to her in the first place.

 "Oh, God..."

Despair overtook lust, and the tears slipped down her cheeks, silent sobbing that made him freeze, pause, stare down at her in concern and crawl forward, over her body, cupping her face with his hands. "Cordy- Cordelia, baby what-"

Her mouth interrupted the question, desperation mingled with the sobs, as she kissed him, forcing her tongue in his mouth, desperate to make him respond, desperate to kiss him, desperate to love him and to be FUCKING ALIVE with him-

Her beautiful Angel, with his halo and demon.

Hands that were strong and gentle pulled her body under his, and the rock hard frame settled its weight on top of her, and holding tight, Cordelia swore she would do her damndest never to let him go, as she rocked her hips against his groin, the hardness rubbing against her making her shiver, closing her eyes and clamping her mouth on his shoulder, biting down in an effort to contain her out of control emotion.

"Cordelia-" It was barely a word. The rumble came from deep down within him, and her body, plastered against him, felt every word, rather than heard it.

"Please," she whispered, no demanded, in response.

But he wouldn't, not yet, instead he searched her face, cupping her cheeks and pressing his lips against hers briefly, before, ever so gently, the vampire laid kisses on the top of each breast, moving further down.

Slickness trailed between her legs, and forceful, a palm cupped at the mound. Cordelia's eyes jerked open when a thumb slid into her wet heat, swirling up. The invasion of his fingers inside her made her body jolt, and she bucked up, in time with him as he continued to move, thumb flicking over and over as two fingers came in and out and GOD-

Wanton, wild, pleading and crying and so overwhelmed she couldn't think and God- who the hell wanted to THINK NOW- Cordelia grasped onto one last thought-

It wasn't enough.

Her eyes must have been dark to almost brown in color, as they locked with his, and with strength she had no idea she even had, she grabbed his broad shoulders, pulled up, until his lips were slanting hungrily over hers, and fingers wet with her juices left streaks on her shoulders as he pulled her close, kissing and kissing and kissing her again.

"Oh, God, I love you, Angel," she whispered, barely audible, but again, he heard it. He heard it all.

She was on top now, legs straddled over his hips, and she felt the hard heat beneath her, rocking, bucking, riding – and God it really WAS like riding- and the thought almost made her laugh, had it not been for the beautifully tortured expression on Angel's face that made her once again aware there were too many clothes-

Fingers fumbled with inexperience and haste, as she pulled the belt out of the loop, jerking his hips up with it, sliding back to his knees as she jerked down the zipper.

His hands were hasty in helping her, pushing down at the waist, and she took over, fingers sliding into the loops and grabbing boxers, not caring what color they were, pulling down, eyes widening and throat suddenly parched, as Angel's shaft sprang, free, oh GOD-

With wonder- completely and utter fascination, her fingers reached forward, wrapping around it, and GOD how was it hot when he was supposed to be dead- and who the hell cared it was Angel-

He hissed at her hesitant touch, and the smile crossed her lips seemed almost mischievous as she continued to explore, probing fingers moving down, finding the nerve on the underside, following to the base.

She noticed the way his hands crumpled the sheets on either side of him, the look on his face as the squeak came from his mouth telling her he was either in heaven or hell.

And it was him her hand was curved around, large and hard and part of HIM- and it was alive, felt alive beneath her fingers and she loved him-

With her tongue, she licked him, felt him jolt underneath her and he grabbed her, taking her by surprise, forcing her to sprawl against him as his tongue parted her lips for a desperate, lustful kiss.

"Now," came the word he could barely eek out.

With that immense strength, he had pinned her, hands parting her thighs and suddenly he was there, at her entrance, full and demanding.

She couldn't move, pinned under the hard body, the weight on top sinking her deeper into the bed. Her fingers scratched at his forearms, as she bucked up, trying to get closer, but he wouldn't move.

She opened her eyes.

"Angel..."

His eyes were dark, curious, full of love and trust, and blatant wonder-

Was this real? Was this real- oh GOD it would have to be-

Her mouth sought his again, and with a whisper of love breathed against her lips he surged forward.

The cry was lost in his mouth, as she arched back, wrapping as much as she could against him, trying desperately to keep him right where he was.

"Oh, God, don't move, Angel, don't move-"

But he moved, his breath ragged, chest heaving as his mouth buried into her shoulder, pulling back, and GOD NO- come BACK-

He came back, pushing in deeper and she nearly cried with relief, arching up to meet his thrusts with more of her own, each a blatant, desperate attempt to keep him inside her.

He shifted, and came in again, and there was friction against her and it made her want to cry, clinging to him as his mouth buried into hers again, and again, and again-

It was too fast- too fast for the Seer's tired heart that was thumping away- too much to take and too much pleasure and it wasn't supposed to be this good-

It wasn't supposed to be, knowing it was borrowed time. It wasn't-

It wasn't supposed to be perfect.

But her muscles quivered, tightened around the invasion as she kept her thighs pressed against his hips, her legs wrapped around his strong, lean body, bringing him in closer, and closer and God she wanted all of him, just all of him-

His words floated around her like a haze, euphoria she wasn't sure she could believe- it would be too much.

"My heart, my love, my soul, Cordelia. My everything. Cordy-"

"Angel-"

The trembling became violent, things began to melt and her eyes snapped shut in an effort to contain it, as palms wrapped around her breasts and squeezed, hips continued to move in perfect motion against hers and she continued to rock, feeling the mouth of the vampire on her cheek, on her lips, on her neck, on her shoulder-

She exploded, and just like that, she died.

Her body arched up and her hands clawed at  his back in hopes for some sort of buoy, as her body splintered in the sweetest, most heartbreaking release Cordelia had experienced in all her too young years.

He trembled in her and around her, body crushing her close as he cried out above her, and she held him tightly, desperately trying to come back into herself as she kissed his naked shoulder, holding him so tightly- never letting him go.

She never wanted to let him go- GOD WHY did she have to let him GO?

Silence followed the shuddering of his body, collapsed on top of her, his body a dead weight, literally.

The thought made her smile despite her tear streaked face, and weak, she only stroked his back, nestling fingers into his ruffled hair, inhaling his scent as his cheek slid against hers.

He was still inside her, and she closed her eyes, trying to lock in the sensation, trying to hold him even as he moved.

He chuckled, weary weak, but happy.

"I'll crush you."

"I don't care."

But he moved back, out of her, and she felt the loss, but only for a second, because soon she was buried in his arms, Angel's finger tipping up her chin, before he gently kissed her.

Her eyes closed as she leaned into the caress, and she felt his body, rigid underneath her, fear taking over the previous peace.

"Angel." Her voice was firm, if weary.

"Cor-"

"You won't lose it," she whispered, keeping her face hidden against his chest, kissing the skin underneath her gently.

"How are you-"

"I'm sure. I'll... tell you later."

There was no easy way to explain it, and she knew that Angel would marvel with surprise once she did explain what had become completely apparent, but what had to be explained by an outsider, another member of the Powers that Be who was astounded that no one had mentioned the transition, that no one understood just what everything until now had meant.

Angel growing a sense of humor. Angel fathering a child. Angel actually spending money on clothes.

The soul was never the problem. Yes mortality had always been behind it, but Cordelia knew now that like all her relationships, it would only end in death.

Her own.

Odd, the bittersweet irony of love. Angel, with his beautiful future and horrible past, would continue to live, truly live- and she loved him every day for it.

He was facing his life.

She was facing her death.

Her eyes clouded with unshed tears, and she buried further into his embrace.

"Cordelia?"

"Hmmm."

Unsure. "I love you."

She closed her eyes against the words, wrapped her arms around him tightly and offered him a shaky smile. "I love you."

He kissed her again, and she leaned into it, praying that Angel's transformation would continue, that he would face his destiny just as she would have to face hers.

And knowing her only regret would be she would never be there to see it.

--

FIN