--

"Hon, I'm going to make something to eat, do you want anything?"

I know, it sounds like a stupid question to put to a vampire, but the nice thing about a vampire like Angel, is he likes variety. He's really into steak, as long as it's very, very rare, meaning bloody. After a while, you get used to it.

He looked up from his table, where he was busy sharpening his knives.  For a minute I reflected on what a chaotic world I was living in. I was living with a vampire who spent his time sharpening his knives. And I thought  nothing of it. "What are you having?"

I shrugged. "Not sure, something small."

He thought for a minute, and shook his head. "I better not. Doyle's coming over later, we have to go investigate that death, I'd rather not on full stomach."

I smiled at the irony of the statement, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. "Whatever. We are running low on blood though. You might want to pick some up, or I can, tomorrow." I scrunched my nose at the thought, and he chuckled. He knew that going to a gross yucky slaughter house was SO not my idea of a good time. The things I did for love. And guilt.

"I'll get it."  He said. I shot him a grateful look. He really was amazing. I had an amazing lover. I didn't deserve him. My smile froze, and I turned away.

I really had to stop, if I kept thinking about it, about HIM, the other HIM, I knew eventually I would go crazy.

It was over. I wasn't seeing Xander again, ever. I would be fine. I was with Angel, and dammit, I was happy.  End of story.

And then the doorbell rang.

"That must be Doyle." He remarked, getting up and heading for the door. I nodded absently as I leaned  against the counter, my arms crossed, trying to decide how to get up the courage to tell him about Xander.

I had decided one night a while ago, that I would have to. If I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, I needed to tell him. I knew if I did, he would understand.

I just had never felt so scared about anything in my life.  I looked up as the door open, grabbing a coke, prepared as always for the caffiene addicted Doyle. We always had an ice cold one ready for him, and he took it as soon as he walked in the doorway.

"Hey, Doyle, here's your damn soda." I said absently, walking into the living room. Angel turned to me, his face odd and when Isaw who was behind him, I knew the reason why.

"Buffy." I breathed.

Ten minutes later, we were seated around the coffee table, and the awkwardness was killing all of us. In any normal situation, I would have been scared out of my mind. Buffy was Angel's true love, I knew that some where, deep down, he did love her just a little bit, even if he loved me now,  but I was so exhausted mentally and physically from the past few month's whirlwind of activities I merely sat there, like some sort of bump on a log.

She was talking about her divorce, apparently it was a cheery affair, the way she described it. She had Angel laughing at her stories, while I just sat there, a plastic smile on my face.  She was still very attractive, she wore this little skirt and blouse that accented her eyes and hair wonderfully. When Doyle came in, a few minutes after her, he couldn't take his eyes off of her.

She flirted, and I saw Angel's eyes move a little, but he leaned back, his hand on my knee, and gave me a supportive smile.

I knew what he was thinking, we were back to the whole "let's just get thorugh this" thing. I was glad. I never wanted to get through anything more in my life. In a way, I was glad to see Buffy, after all these years, I still considered her a friend, and yet I knew she didn't feel the same way about me. The glisten in her eyes when she gazed on Angel dimmed significantly when she looked at me, and was even replaced with a hardness, a glint that seemed to flash.

She really didn't like me anymore. Then why the hell was she here?

Finally, after an hour of sitting through Buffy's explanations, and catching up, she got up to leave. I felt a sigh of relief pass through Angel's body next to me, and I smiled inwardly. At least now he knew what it felt like to be so damn tense.

"I'll be in town for a while." she was saying to him. I winced. Oh, Goody, I thought to myself, then felt slightly guilty. This was the love of Angel's life, sort of, the savior of the world, I shouldn't be petty with her.

Right?

"Maybe I'll stop by." Please don't, I felt myself think, and I almost pinched myself. Stop it, bitch.

"Oh, by the way. I'm meeting Xander for lunch." The room suddenly got deadly quiet. I felt a chill go down my spine, and I whirled, my eyes wide as I looked at Buffy.

She was looking straight at me.

"Xander?" Angel looked curious as he came up behind me.

Buffy searched my eyes, and she seemed to find what she was looking for, because she nodded. "Yeah. He moved here. You didn't know?"

Angel was still behind me.  "No, we didn't know." He said slowly, I could feel his gaze on the back of my head, but I said nothing, I was simply staring at Buffy, stock still.

Buffy looked at me again, gave me a little wave.  "Well, it'll be fun to catch up on old times. Maybe I'll give him your number."

Angel's jaw tightened, but she only smiled sweetly and she left us.

A bomb might as well have gone off in my stomach.

"Xander's in town?"  Angel asked. I swallowed, closing my eyes, composing myself as I turned back.

"I guess so." I said airily, running a hand through my hair.

"Hmm. I wonder why he's here."

I purposely didn't meet his eyes. "I don't know, Angel. I'm kind of tired, I'm going to bed." I said quickly, squeezing his hand as I walked back to the bedroom and shut it behind me. I didn't care if I was being blatantly obvious, at that moment I needed to be alone,  even if it was just a few minutes.

He came to me an hour later, and his lovemaking was more desperate, more passionate, more consuming than before. I should have picked up on it, I DID pick up on it, but my mind was so feverish then, trying to desperately to lose myself as I often did with him, that I forgot everything.

Until I woke up the next day.

It was midday when I stepped out to do the errands, and I was gone most of the day, my mind a whirlwind of emotions.

I knew there was only one reason Buffy had come back. Rebound, that had to be it. She was newly divorced, feeling sentimental, and she had come by to see how closely Angel was attached, seeing if there was any chance. I knew that we wouldn't see the last of her.

Strangely, I wasn't jealous. I had gone through so much with Xander, that the thought of Buffy doing the same thing with Angel only filled my with sad resignation.

Sadness that a part of me still loved Xander, and the knowledget that then, a part of Angel probably still loved Buffy.

But I loved him, and I trusted him.  That would have to be enough. I know he had expected me to say something, but I hadn't. It may have surprised him, I wasn't sure.  I needed to tell him about Xander, but I decided to take things one thing at a time.

Buffy was something I would have to talk to him about, and I really wasn't looking forward to it.

I opened the door, closing it behind me. "Angel? I'm home." I turned, and then froze when I the way he was standing.

His eyes were so dark they were almost black, his form was tense, his face angry and hard. I was still, for a moment bewildered.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly, knowing better than trying to stroke the lines of anger from his face.

"You lied to me, Cordelia." My face froze at the venom in his voice.

"What?"

"Did you see Xander? Did you... " His face bunched up, and he spit the word out. "Kiss him?"

Oh, God. Time stopped for me right then, and I knew my face betrayed what I couldn't bring myself to tell him. He winced, one strong wince, and I saw his rage.

"It's not what you think, Angel." I said, and regretted those words immediately. How cliche could I get?

"You KISSED him, Cor?!" He roared, and his face immediately changed, his rage forcing the demon to surface.

And I wasn't scared. I barely saw it as I felt the tears in my eyes as I strode to him.  "Angel, you have to understand! I love you, and it was -"

"How could you lie to me!"He whispered, his eyes haunted as he looked at me. "You lied to me, Cordelia. I never lied to you. You lied to me."

I shook my head furiously. "I wanted to tell you, but -"

"BUT WHAT?!" He roared again, grabbing my arms  so hard I winced visibly.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I tried again. "I was scared."

"Scared?" He spit back. He shook me roughly. "Scared, Cordy?"

"Angel." I whispered, tears coursing down my cheeks. "You're hurting me."

And he looked down then, saw his fingers buried into my arms, and he growled, hauling himself away, and running out the door.

Oh, God. I didn't move for a second, trying to recover. In the silence that followed I heard the door squeak open. Half hoping it was Angel, I lifted my tear stained eyes to the doorway.

Buffy leaned against it, crossing her arms. "Wow, Cor, is that a bruise?"

I felt myself freeze, realization pouring in as I gazed at the self satistfied smirk on my former friends face.

"You told him."

Her smile left her face then, and I could have sworn her eyes welled up with tears.

"He didn't believe me at first. He was so sure you'd never cheat on him, Cordelia. What'd you do to him, Cordelia? He was never this whipped."

I was silent then, my entire form was shaking, so filled with rage at the woman who was responsible for saving my life so many times, responsible, in essence, for my whole way of life. I wanted to kill her then.

I turned to her, clenching my fists in an effort to stay under control. I wanted to yell and scream at her, I wanted to give her one of my cruel barbs that I was so good at giving.  But all I could say, when I opened my mouth, was one utterence.

"Why?"

"Why?" She responded immediately, her beautiful face murderous.  "Why?" She scoffed. "You actually have the gall to ask me that, Cordelia?" She moved forward, inches away from my face. "I talked to Xander, Cordelia, he's a mess because of you, you ruined his life. He's still so in love with you, he's talking about moving to Hong Kong, to get away from you!"

I didn't move, my face was immobile.

She shook her head, her eyes blazing. "I love Angel as much as the day I met him. I figured I could settle for a normal life, well, guess what? I can't.  Why the hell should I have to settle for anything? Because I was a Slayer? Hell, Cordy, you made my life a living hell while I saved your ass and the world, and that entitles you to HIM? To both of them? What the hell makes you so special?"

I had to fight to keep from hitting her, her face looking so angry, so bitter, and all the rage was directed at me. She blamed me for everything, I knew, everything that had gone wrong since we had left, I was suddenly responsible for. And suddenly it didn't matter if she had saved my life, she had taken it all away.

I began speaking slowly, my rage almost concealed, barely edging out in the slight trembling of my tone, "Get out of my house, Buffy. Get the hell out, right now, and don't ever, ever come back. You may still beat the crap out of me, but I swear, I'll take you down with me."

She gazed at me then, and then she smiled, as if what I had said amused her, and she wanted to reward me with a pat on my head.

She stepped away, grabbing her purse and her coat.  "That's great, Cordelia. Maybe now you'll feel just a little bit of what I've been feeling these past ten years." She said, heading to the door. "I'll see if I can find Angel, give him some comfort."

I closed my eyes as the door was shut loudly. Feeling suddenly weak, I lowered my trembling form to the couch, bringing up my knees to the couch, wrapping my arms around them and hugging them to my chest.

The bitch. Tears welled up in my eyes, and it was then I knew that although I hated her, I couldn't blame her.  Life had treated her like shit, but damn did she have to blame ME for it?

And Angel so got the wrong idea, or the right idea, hell I don't know. I loved him. I loved him so much.

What the hell was I going to do?

"Hey, guys,what are you doing-Cor what's wrong?" I looked up to see Doyle in the doorway, his eyes wide with concern when he saw my tearstained face.

"Doyle?" I whispered. He came forward immediately, wrapping me in a huge hug. That was all it took, suddenly I was sobbing, crying hysterically as I clung to him.

"Cordelia." He stroked my hair, his voice soft. "What is it? Tell me?"

And I did tell him, everything, starting with the dinner party. I don't know how long he let me talk, but when I finished, the moon was high in the sky.

He hadn't moved, Doyle, like the wonderful man he was, kept my head in his lap, his fingers in my hair as he listened to me vent.

"It'll be okay, Cor." He said finally.  "Angel loves you. You'll get past it."

I smiled through my pain at his hopeful tone. "What makes you think so?"

"Cause." His voice shook.  "You guys are all I've got. I can't lose you. You'se guys will be fine. You have to be."

I smiled bitterly through my tears, not moving. "I don't know, Doyle. I really don't know."

He didn't come home that night. I didn't really expect him to, but he worried me. When ever Angel and I got into fights, it was always a pattern, we'd scream and yell, and then I would run into my room, and he'd wait outside by the doorway, sitting on the floor until I was ready to talk again, until I was sane.  He had  never just taken off.  It scared me to think about what he might do to himself.

I fell asleep waiting for him, but when I heard the squeaking of the door, I woke up. I really needed to have those hinges fixed.

He came into the living room, and I watched him trepidly as he slowly removed his jacket. Something was wrong. I could feel it. He wasn't angry, not like he was.  Something had changed.

He didn't say a word to me as he put his hands in his pockets looked at me, I heard his black boots click on the wooden floor as he came to me, to stand a foot away from my sitting form.

We were silent for a while, neither of us looking at each other.

Finally, I spoke.  "Where'd did you go?" Iasked softly, my voice strangely even.

He shrugged.  "Out." His voice came out a rasp, and when I looked up, I saw his eyes were moist.

"What is it?" I asked softly, leaning up to touch his face. He moved away, but before I could get hurt by his gesture, my mind clicked on immediately what his expression had turned to.  I knew it, at that second I knew.

It was guilt.

"Oh, God." I breathed suddenly, horror filling me when I realized what had happened. "You slept with her."   He winced then, but kept his ground. I felt my eyes water as suddenly I pictured Angel, naked and entwinced with Buffy's form, kissing her like he kissed me.

Oh, God. I got up, moving away from him, not bothering to check my rage, or my sadness. He stood in the middle of the room.

"Cordy." He began heavily.

"No, don't." I spit. "I don't want to hear it." I was shaking then, my form trembling, and when I turned my wounded eyes on him, I knew that it was killing him, because he got defensive immediately, his eyes darkening.

"She came after me,she found me, Cordelia! She knew I needed to talk to someone-"

"She knew you'd be angry, Angel, she knew you'd be vulnerable." I whispered. "That's what she knew."

He shook his head.  "No, Cordelia."

I rolled my eyes, huffing through my tears. "Men are so damn easy." I whispered. He heard  the comment, because he stiffened.

"Like you're any better, Cor?" He whispered. "After Xander-"

"Dammit, I *KISSED* him!" I cried, so furious now tears were flowing from my eyes.  "I didn't FUCK him!"

"You might as well have!" He shouted back, raking a hand through his hair.  " God, Cor, by kissing him, just the thought that you did.... and you SAW him again, didn't even-"

I was still then, knowing I had changed modes then. I was no longer hysterical, I had changed to deadly calm,and he noticed it immediately, because he shut up.

"There is one major difference, Angel." I said, my voice low and angry.  "He came to *ME*.  I was his friend because he needed me for friendship. He wanted me to stay, but I came home to YOU. Because I kept thinking about how much I loved you. You didn't. You were thinking with your dick and your demon and your damn penchant for revenge."

And with that I whirled running to the bedroom and slamming the door behind me.  I leaned against it for a moment, then composed myself, and walked to my favorite armchair, settling in it trepidly, my heart beat pounding.

He rapped on the door.  "Cor? Don't do this, don't, come out, let's talk about this." His voice was pleading now, his anger gone.  "Cor, talk to me. Please,  I don't- I want to get past this. I don't want to lose you, I love you, Cor."

I almost choked with laughter.  He still wanted to be with me? Even now that Buffy had given herself to him so whole heartedly? Somehow I doubted it.

And yet he kept knocking.  "Cor." His voice was stained with tears, and need, and I looked at the closed door.  He really did love me.

But he had slept with Buffy, my beautiful Angel, who loved me so much, still lost control with the Slayer. Just like with me and Xander.

What was wrong with us?

After a while, the knocking stopped, and I was left alone.    I don't know how long I stayed in my room, I only know that somehow I had managed to get beyond the hurt and the rage, and somehow I had managed to pull myself from my body and examine the situation with a perceptive eye.

I knew that if he hadn't found out about Xander, he probably wouldn't have slept with Buffy.  Granted, he might have kissed her, but he still would have come home to  me. Because he loved me,as much as I loved him.

So what was wrong with us? Why wasn't that enough anymore?

I sat there, and then, after another line of thought, I began to cry.  I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it.

My body and mind was numb as I opened the door.  He was sitting on the floor. I looked at him, my face impassive as I motioned for him to move over, and settled next to him.  He did, and like kindergarteners, me and my fiance sat crosslegged side by side.  The anger was gone, there was no jealousy, the place was somehow void of those petty emotions. At that moment, we transcended it.

I was quiet for a moment, and thenI began to speak. "You still love her, don't you?"

He jumped, but he answered almost as soon as the question came out. "I love you."

I nodded.  "I know. But a part of you...  it still loves her, knows that she needs you. A little bit of you needs her too."  He was quiet then, and I sighed, feeling strangely seperated from my emotions as I sat next to him.

"I guess so." He answered, buried his head in his hands.  "Cor, I love you so much, but then she kissed me, and I still loved you, but-"

"But for one moment, for a while, you forgot about me, didn't you Angel? All you could think about was her, how good she felt, how -"

"Don't." He said immediately, wincing, one hand reaching for mind, clasping it in his.

I closed my eyes, leaning my head against his shoulder. "Angel, we have to talk about this.  You know what I'm saying is true."

He looked at me, his beautiful eyes searching mine. "How do you know it is?"

I closed mine to keep from looking at his when I answered, "because that's how I feel when I'm with Xander."

He sighed, and slid an arm around me, cradling me against him.  "I love you."

"I love you." I answered meekly.

He leaned his lips against my forehead.  "How are we going to get through this?" He whispered.

I almost cried right then, when I answered. "We aren't."

He froze.  "Cor?" He sounded scared. "What are you saying?"

"Buffy needs you, Angel. Xander needs me. And me and you, we love each other... and we need each other, but sometimes that's not enough. Because they need us MORE."

"Don't say that, Cor. " He breathed, almost pleading with me as he cradled my hand in his face.  "Don't say that I couldn't need you. Ican't imagine my life without you. I love you, Cor."

Tears were running freely down my face as I looked at him. "I know, Angel. I love you too. I love you so much.  But ... we love them too. Even if it's just a little bit. And they are dying inside."

The scariest thing that hung unsaid between us became blatantly obvious. We were happy together, but the scary possibility was that, we could be happy with them too.

The thought that we could be just as happy scared me so much I never even wanted to concieve it.

He hauled me up against him.  "I can't do it." He whispered in my ear. "I can't give you up. I can't lose you like that."

"Oh, Angel." I whispered softly. "That's the hardest thing to accept. You *CAN*."

He looked at me then, something gave in his beautiful eyes, and I almost cried right then, because I knew then he wasn't going to argue with me anymore, he knew I was right, just when I wished I had never been more wrong.

If I hadn't gone to that damn dinner party, if I had just never  gone to the damn dinner party.

I began to sob then, huge raking sobs, that sounded like I was dying,  and he pulled me close. I clung to him desperately.

"Oh, God, Angel." I whispered. "I'm so scared."

He looked at me, his tortured eyes searching mine, and I saw in them when I felt inside. We reached for each other, our mouths clinging, searing each other, branding each other as if we were trying to make up for a lifetime of seperation.

He pushed me back on the floor, landing on top of me so he could cover me completley, leaving his hands free to roam my body, burning every place he touched.

"Make love to me, Angel." I whimpered between kisses, my tears staining his cheeks. "We have tonight. Please."

And he was too choked up to say anything, his only responce was furious nod, and then I leaned up, opening my mouth as I kissed him harshly, pulling at his shirt as he picked me up, cradling me against him, kicking open the door to the bedroom.

Neither of us called it what it actually was.  We couldn't face it the truth. For ten years, we had been best friends, lovers, we had been the other half of ourselves.   Our lovemaking was consumed with need, furious passion that transcended anything we had done before. We loved each other as we knew we would never love each other again. That night, the past ten years became nothing to us, because the emotion that buried within us was released in such a torrent that had Angel been able to lose his soul, he would have lost it in the first two minutes.

We didn't sleep, not that night, our time was too precious. In the morning hours of dawn, he pulled me close to him, refusing to let me go.

As he fought the vestiges of sleep, the last thing he told me, was, "I love you."

He fell asleep then, and I knew it was time to go, because if he woke up, if we woke up like that, we would never let each other go.

But I couldn't say goodbye. Not yet, not when he was sleeping so soundly beside me. I didnt' have the strength. So I just left. I grabbed my clothes, and like a hooker, sneaked out of my own apartment, knowing that Buffy would come by later today, to claim the vampire that she had always considered hers, and for ten beautiful years, had been mine.

I knew where I was going. I had gotten the address from the agency that morning, and I drove, my heart in an odd place.

I didn't know what I was feeling them. I had the oddest sense of homecoming, and then I would picture Angel's face, breath in his scent, and I would almost lose it again.

I pulled up in front of his apartment.  For  a moment I just stared, feeling my heartbeat quicken, and then I slid out of the car, pulling off my sunglasses, taking a breath as I went to the door.

I knocked, waited a couple beats, and then the doorway opened.

I felt my heart skip a beat, and I felt relieved. I still loved him.

Xander looked so beautiful standing there, blinking in the sunlight as he gazed at me, his eyes wide and hopeful, and immediately wary.

"Cordy?"

"Hi, Xander." I said softly.  "Can I come in?'

He nodded, holding the door open as I went into his apartment.  My eyes stopped at a picture of me. I felt myself smile involuntarily.

He didn't mince words. "Why are you here?" He asked , his fists shoving into his pockets.

I turned, said breathlessly.  "Does it matter?"

He gazed at me, his words questioning, and then he got it, and his face betrayed a small expression of surprise, before the now cautious and wary Xander realized this was probably too good to be true.

"But you love Angel."

"And I  love you." I added, crossing my arms.

He swallowed, walking toward me,and just a foot away, pulling back.  "You were gong to marry him."

 I looked away then.  "I was. Now I'm here."

"He, he-"

I could only take so much disbelief. "Xander, if he needed me, would I be here right now?" I asked, a trace of annoyance in my face. I leaned forward, a hand on his bare arm. He stiffened, his beautiful dark brown eyes rested on the contact for a second before floating up to meet mine.

"How long are you here, Cor?"

I smiled sadly. "As long as you need me, want me. Days, weeks... months, years." And I pressed myself against him, feeling an unmistakable rush of pleasure as his hands involuntarily slid around my waist.

His eyes had darkened with desire and then I could discern it , with love, as he leaned down, and tenderly brushed his lips against mine. It wasn't anything like the last two kisses his had given me, this was warm, soft, full of love and of promise, and I closed my eyes and succumbed myself to it, allowing myself to forget, this time reveling in the emotions he was still bringing up inside of me.

He lifted his head, licked his lips, and I could feel his body trembling. "I love you, Cordelia." He said thickly.

I nodded, one hand caressing his face. "I know."  He nodded, reaffirming it as he pulled me closer.

"Cor." He croaked.  "I have to know... I have to know - If Buffy hadn't come back-"

I sighed quickly, shaking my head furiously. "Xander, don't ask me to answer that question. I'm here, I'm yours. That has to be enough."

His eyes widened for a second at the emotion in my voice, and he was smart, he just nodded, one finger moving up to trace my jawline.  "It is. For now."

I swallowed.  "No, Xander. Not just for now. It has to be enough. Forever." Something about the last word struck him then, because I could see in his face that he let it go immediately, sighing as he rested his foread against my bare shoulder, holding me as if I was his only lifeline.

"Alright then, Forever." He agreed, his voice shaking at the thought.  I slid my hands up his back, slowly entwining my hands in his hair, letting him hold me as he was unconsioustly trying to make up for those ten years I wasn't his as he kissed my throbbing vein just below my jaw.

I felt a shiver of pleasure, of love, and I knew then I would be okay. I would even be happy.

As I held my mortal lover in my arms, felt his warm lips on my neck, ever aware of the pulsing heartbeat, the beat that thumped rythymatically with mine, almost in sync, I became aware of just how complicated life really was.

In a perfect world, I would have stayed with this man. I would have married him long ago. I would have born his children and probably named one of them Buffy. Buffy and I would have been friends. She wouldn't hate me.

But instead, I had come here, given my heart to an angel of the night, a haunting killer whose caresses had been borrowed, just as I had given him refuge and unconditional love for a limited amount of time, only to return with eyes of love to the man who had hurt me more than I ever thought possible, who needed me now, who, as impossible as it seemed, I still loved.

I closed my eyes, I kissed him back and I finally allowed myself the one thing I hadn't done. In my mind, I was already saying goodbye to my demon lover.

And saying goodbye was the hardest thing.