For you babe. Cause I love you!

~*~
Smile
by Lonestar

I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer breeze
Oh it lasted for a while

I could hold on a little tighter I know
But when you love someone
You gotta let them go

So I'm gonna smile, 'cause I wanna make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

Kiss me once for the good times
Kiss me twice for goodbye
You can't help how you don't feel
And it doesn't matter why

Give me a chance to bow out gracefully
Cause that how I want you to remember me

So I'm gonna smile, 'cause I wanna make you happy
Laugh, So you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

I'm gonna smile
So you can find the courage
Laugh, so you won't see me hurting
I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

~*~

He came back about four months after I had passed the darkest point in my life.

I had barely survived, the lure of the darkness of the powers of Sunnydale had taken over my life,
my consciousness.

Buffy and Giles had managed to get me out, slide me back into my former self, before I did anything too horrible, before I channeled the evil that would have used me-- my body, my mind -- to kill everyone that meant anything to me.

I was saved, thanks to the friends that never, ever gave up on me.

Tara wasn't so lucky.

My lover, my beautiful friend and lover, was taken completely, her love of magic throwing her completely beyond redemption, until I felt my own heart broken as I watched the darkness swirl around her, saw Buffy and Xander fall against her, and it had taken all my strength to put away the woman who had eased my broken heart.

I had saved Buffy, Xander, Giles, and Sunnydale. I had lost my heart.

And life went on. I didn't run... and I didn't mope, not this time. I dug in, trying to ease my grief with trying to redeem myself. I had failed my friends, I had failed my family, and I had failed Tara.

And I stopped smiling.

I don't know if they noticed, Buffy was trying to hard to lead this normal life, and I would offer her these simple grins that told her I was okay. Riley loved her, took  care of her, and I think she liked that. I know she did.

But I never smiled. Not for real.

Xander drifted from job to job, had the occasional run in with Anya, after she got her powers back, convinced that she would lure him back to her. And it hurt him. I think he loved her.

And he closed off, and I knew that if I didn't smile for him, he'd think it was his fault, that he wasn't being Xander enough for me, and so I smiled for him.

But never for real.

I would look at myself in the mirror and the red haired little witch would stair back, with the perky nose and the sad eyes, and the tight, drawn mouth.

I tried to smile. Once. It hurt too much.

Because that smile brought back so many memories. Of a boy who was a man with beautiful eyes
and a soft spoken voice who told me that it was the most beautiful he had ever seen. Of a girl with
sad eyes, uncertainty in her tone, telling me she wanted me to happy.

I wasn't happy.

But I tried. And I was almost okay.

I just couldn't smile.

And he came back four months after, and it was odd.

He didn't say he was back for me, didn't say that he missed me, just came to my dorm, knocked, and I could tell something had changed, as I stood frozen in the doorway, my heart beating wildly and my eyes wild, feeling such incredible relief at seeing his face I threw myself in his arms.

And he held me, with his beautiful voice whispering, "Hey," in that tone that I knew everything was going to be all right.

Because Oz was back. Oz was back, and I hoped that he could make me smile. Smile like I used to. If only for him.

But he was different. There wasn't that heartbreak in his face, in his eyes. And the wolf, the wolf inside him, was so calm, as he held my hand and listened to me, the love in his eyes changed somehow.

It didn't ease me at all. I was so glad to have him back, but Oz didn't act like Oz. At least not Oz to me. He acted like... well... an Oz to Buffy... very cool, and very Ozzy, but not... My OZ.

And I guess that was when I realized he really wasn't my Oz.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently, his eyes looking at me, his hand squeezing gently.

And I closed my eyes and saw the darkness that I had barely made it through, the shreds of it reaching for my sanity and I shivered, shaking my head.

"No," I answered unsteadily. My eyes opened, and I smiled at him. Not my real smile. Not his smile. But the smile I gave Buffy and Xander.

I don't know if he noticed. He just squeezed my hand and nodded. "Okay."

Taking a shaking breath, I asked, "Where've you been?"

And he shrugged his typical Oz shrug, before answering, "Around. Went back and forth for awhile, and then kinda ended up in LA."

"LA?"

And he smiled, a gentle smile that reminded me of how he used to be, so soft and gentle, unaware of the wolf that was brimming beneath the surface. He nodded.

"Yeah."

That's all he told me.

For a week, he came by everyday, and it was almost like the old times. He would sit on my bed smile at me with that gentle smile, squeeze my hand, and let me talk.

Oz was doing what he always did before. He was there for me, even when I was never there for him... even when I left him for someone else... even when he killed for me.

And the drop in my heart everytime I saw him made me realize how much I still loved him. And how much I wanted him to... do anything...

But he didn't. Oz and I had a new friendship... a closeness that he seemed to feel, that I didn't.

I didn't understand. I didn't want to understand.

And so I smiled. Not the smile from before, but just... a smile.

He just smiled back, squeezed my hand in that friendshippy way, and then his face.. turned into a
pensive face.

Oz rarely does a pensive face. He usually has an Oz face that only changed when I made him smile.

He's not smiling now.

"What?" I asked. "What's wrong?"

He took a breath, and then shrugged. "I have to go back to LA."

Something dropped inside of me, and I felt the fake smile falter. My heart  stopped beating, and I pushed the red hair out of my eyes and I know my voice trembled just a bit. I  just... I never realized he'd be going again. Oz was back. He was supposed to be back to  stay. That's... that's what he did.

"Um... When?"

"Soon..." He let go of my hand, and stood. "Now. Cordelia called right before  I came."

Cordelia. LA.
 
Somehow the connection had never made it into my head before. Cordelia lived in LA. Cordelia, the beautiful... Oz?

"Are you..."

"Angel kinda... hired me when I ended up there. It's... interesting."

"With Cordelia?"

"And Wesley." He nodded. "Both very cool, by the way."

"Oh." I hadn't talked on the phone with Cordelia since the night we found out she had been struck with those never ending visions. Wesley had called Giles, and we had found out that Angel's office had been blasted and they had all almost died.

Xander and Buffy had wanted to go out there, and Giles stopped them, saying  there was nothing they could do but pray.

I think Xander dropped to his knees right then. Buffy crossed her arms on her  face and that look in her eyes that told me she was hurting. Bad.

It was a long two days before we found out that Cordelia was out of the coma  and okay.

Xander had a smile on his face for days.

It was funny. The way our lives revolved around them for those few days. And I don't think they even knew it. Made me wonder... if that's how it must have felt like for them. When they were here. I think... somewhere... somehow, we all drove them off.

And they had found each other. In LA.

And they had found Oz. It made sense. Somehow.

"And... you're leaving?"

He was quiet for a minute. "They need me, Willow." The voice was soft, almost a question poised to me, and I found myself looking away, my hands tangled, wanting to say back that I needed him just as much.

But somehow I couldn't say it. I couldn't say it because of the peace in his eyes. The feelings that were no longer there. Oz loved me. But he wasn't in love with me. Not  anymore. It was in his eyes, in his face, in the almost smile that was never the same one he gave me.  So I smiled back. My fake smile. Never the real one. And I swallowed. And I  nodded.

"Okay, Oz."
 
His fists had dug into his pockets, and he stared at me, looking at me,  looking into my eyes, looking INTO me, and I felt myself looking away, feeling suddenly naked. For  a man who was told he never emoted, Oz was remarkable at knowing me.

He knew all my doubts, all my fears... and he had loved me for all of them.  He had come back to take care of me because he thought no one could. But he wasn't staying.  Because he no longer lived his life for me anymore.

He lived it for Los Angeles. For Angel. For Cordelia.

"I can... Willow I can stay if you-"

"No." I immediately stood, and gently wrapped my arms around him, drawing him close. His arms slipped around me and suddenly I whimpered at his intoxicating smell, my mouth trembling and my face burying into the nape of his neck.

God Oz. Don't leave me.

And I held him so desperately, wanting more than anything to tell him I loved  him.  Wanting him to tell me that he loved my smile. That it was the sweetest smile he had ever  seen.

Because I knew Cordelia had a beautiful smile.

And I knew he was happy.

And I wanted to hold on. I wanted to hold on to the only person who had ever really looked down inside and loved me for everything I was, not just what I could be.

He held me, not saying a word, his hands gently caressing my back, and he was  so stoic.

It was intoxicating. And I took a ragged breath and blinked back my tears and  with all my might, pulled back, and I smiled.

But never the real smile.

"Go to LA, Oz. They need you."
 
He looked unsure, but he stepped back, the wolf in him so perceptive as his eyes narrowed slightly, his nostrils flaring a bit, as if sniffing the air for a lie.

But I just swallowed, and smiled.

"Thank you Oz."

And he smiled back, finally. And then gently leaned forward, and my eyes closed as he gently brushed his lips on my cheek.

"I love you," he whispered, squeezing my arms. "If you need anything just let  me know. I'm crashing at Cordelia's."
 
I shuddered, but managed a smile that almost killed me.

I kept the smile on my face as he backed out of the door, waving slightly.

And I was keeping that smile on my face. I wasn't going to show him how much it was breaking my heart. It was Oz's turn to be happy.

I was going to smile.

Even if it killed me.

~*~

Two weeks had gone by and I hadn't heard a word.

The darker part of my mind, the part that had nearly killed my friends and my family was filled with not so nice thoughts of Cordelia. Thoughts that I felt guilty about because I knew that she had changed. That she was doing good for Angel in LA. I had never understood why Buffy sniped so much about her, until I saw her once, the way her and Angel were together.

They were friends. Real friends. Like he and Buffy never were. And they smiled when they were with each other. And I knew that when Oz was with them, he had had a good time. He had told me once about how he had helped them stop Spike when he was in LA before, how Cordelia had taken him to a bar and they had spent all night talking. How happy she was to see him.

And I know he must have smiled.

And I hated her then.

I stopped smiling. Even the fake smiles. It was odd to me, how empty my life seemed once again and Oz was only gone for two weeks. He had been gone for so much longer and then he had come back into my life and suddenly I needed him as much as before.

But he was happy. He had to be happy. I had caused him so much pain.
 
And I was crying now.

The tears that somehow never came before, not flooded down my face, in my room, alone.

Buffy had tried to help, but she didn't understand. How could she? She had Riley, and she was happy.

And Xander...

Xander missed Anya. I know he did. And he missed Cordelia. And he missed Buffy and he missed every woman he had loved and lost.

And then I realized he must have missed me.

I found myself knocking at his door one day, and when he opened it, it was like my eyes were suddenly opened.
 
And at the look of the boy that had become a man, my beautiful Xander who life had treated harshly, who hid behind quips and had only wanted to be loved, I suddenly found my eyes filled with tears.

"Xander, I'm so sorry," I whispered, and I threw my arms around him and held him close.

I think I caught him off guard, because for once he had no quip, no quick thinking break the tension kinda remark that would make me laugh and sniffle, because I don't think either of us COULD laugh. Not now.

It would hurt too much to laugh.

And so I sobbed in his arms, and he just held me, unsure of what to do, or say.

In the end, all he could do was whisper, "Oz?"

I nodded blindly.

I felt him sigh gently, and he let me go, seated me on the bed, and took my hands in his, squeezing lightly.

"Willow," he began, his boyish face looking so serene, so wise as I stared at  him. "Go talk to him. Please. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you need him."

My eyes widened.
 
My eyes widened, and I was about to say something when he cut me off, putting his palm on my lips.

"Just listen, please, Willow. You're making the same mistake that I did. And  I can't handle that. I can't watch you do that." He bit his lip, looking around his tattered room, and smiled tightly. "When Cordelia left, I loved her. I loved her, and because I had screwed up, I  decided that she deserved to be happy, that she didn't need me to get that. So I let her go to LA. I  never... I never realized that I just might have needed her." He swallowed. "I let her go, thinking I  was doing the right thing. Didn't want to confuse her. Just wished her well and I smiled. Just like  you're doing. A fake smile that she knew was fake, and you know what Willow?"

My throat was full, and I shook my head, too full of emotion and pain at the dark look of his eyes, the sadness that lay there, the regret.

"Willow I knew, that if I had held on. If I had given up all that pride and well-wishing, and just ASKED her, I knew that deep down...she would have stayed. She would have stayed for me. I'm not sure if she'd ever do that anymore. She's... happy, but Willow. I'm not. And I could have made her happy. And Willow, letting her leave... it almost killed me."

I swallowed, looking down, and then back up. "But don't you think she deserved it? Being let go? Being happy?"

He shrugged, pausing a bit, never letting my hands go. "Maybe. But Willow, I'm never going to forget that I let her go. And everytime I see her I have to smile that fake smile that kills me deep down inside. I can't have you handle that, Willow. Go to him."

I felt my heart stop beating for one full sentence, and suddenly I pulled on his arm, making get up. "Willow?"

"Come on."

"What are you doing?"

"We're going to LA."

"WE?!"

"If I'm going you're going too. And you're telling Cordelia."

"Willow I can't mess up her life-"

"Yes you can!" I paused, shaking I was so excited. "Xander, she LOVED you. You can't tell me she just can put that away and forget about it."

Xander swallowed. "But I hurt her. I almost got her killed."

And I swallowed, bit my lip, looked away. "I did the same to Oz."

"Yeah, but-"

"Yeah, but what, Xander? What makes you think I stand a chance and you don't?"

"Willow what if she doesn't want me?"

I paused, feeling the same fear slam into my head. I felt myself shudder at the fake smiles, at Oz's affection that seemed anything but the love we had once shared. "Then at least we'll know."

He was quiet for a minute, standing in the middle of his room as I grabbed his jacket, and pulled him up the stairs.

I don't think we could remember anything else, or thought of anything else, or breathed anything else.

Time passed miraculously, because before sundown, we were in LA.

I had gotten Cordelia's address from her last email, and feeling like felons, Xander and I tiptoed to the door.

"I can't do this."

My head whipped around and I grabbed his hand. "STAY, Xander!" That was a little louder than I expected because immediately he clamped his hand over my face and shhh'd me as loudly as I had yelled.

We were stock still for a moment, and then I crept to the window, looking up, and trying to see in.

I didn't' see anything at first, but I did notice that Cordelia has a really nice apartment.

And then I saw Angel.

I ducked, nearly falling on Xander.

"What?" he hissed.

"Angel's right by the window! With Wesley!"

Footsteps came to the door and with widened eyes, me and Xander jumped into the shrub.

"OW!"

"Quiet!" Holding our breaths, we heard Angel and Wesley's voices.

"I got it."

"Are you sure Oz can handle-"

"Cordelia'll be fine. Dennis knows the ropes."

"It's not Cordelia I'm worried about. Having to nurse Cordelia after one of her visions is harrowing work. One may even develop battle scars."

"Well everyone needs to get broken in once in a while, right?"

There was a chuckle and then Xander and I squeezed tighter into the brush as they walked past us and down the sidewalk.

I held my breath a second longer, before sighing with relief and crawling out of the brush.

"Oww." Xander pulled a twig out of his ear and grimaced. "That hurt."

"Shh, Xander." I motioned for him to keep quiet, and then looked up, feeling my heart jumpstart again. I had no idea why I was so nervous. Oh wait. Yes I did. I came to LA to try and get back the man I loved and had brought my best friend who was still in love with the woman who might possibly be in love with the guy I love who might love her back.

Woo.

God, Oz. If you're happy, I'll turn around and walk away. I promise.

I blinked, and then leaned up against the windsill, trying to peek in.

"See anything?"

I bit my lip, and peered further. And what I saw made my heart stop.

"What?!" Xander hissed, but I barely heard him.

Oz had Cordelia's head in his lap, and he was running his fingers through her hair, as Cordelia's eyes were closed, and he held an ice pack to her face.

Oh God.

I didn't think I had said that out loud, I was too busy feeling my heart drop down into my stomach, to see Xander push up beside me, his face suddenly frozen at the sight.

"No way," he whispered. "No. Not my Cordy."

"Xander." My voice was dead, silent, and full of tears as I pulled at his sleeves. "Let's just go."

"Willow-"

"I can't see anymore.  LOOK at them, Xander. They're... they're happy. They deserve to be happy."

Xander was frozen, his dark eyes looking in on the picture perfect sight, and he swallowed.

And then he slipped.

"XANDER!" I screamed, and suddenly he tripped me and we both went flying, making a huge racket.

We scrambled up, Xander holding a bleeding cheek, and tried to run, our panic over taking us, when suddenly this invisible force pulled me back onto my butt and started dragging me.

"Okay, something's got me!" Xander said, scrambling beside me. "It's got me and it.. it's dragging us into the house!"

THE APARTMENT!

I turned, and then shrieked when I looked at who was in the doorway.

Oz's face was placid as usual, but Cordelia's eyes were wide, and her face was shocked.

"XANDER?! Willow?!"

"Umm.. Hi." I offered meekly.

Xander was still too busy trying to struggle with the invisible thing.

"Hiya, Cor!" he said sheepishly. "Would like to chat and all but I'm kinda getting dragged here."

At that statement, she finally seemed to shake herself out of whatever daze she was in because she shook her head, groaned, put the ice pack back on her face, and then said in this really non chalant voice, "Dennis, let them go. They're friends. Sort of."

Oz looked down at me, and his voice was odd. "Willow? Are you okay?"

I felt incredibly stupid, sitting there on my butt, while my beautiful Oz stood next to the beautiful Cordelia Chase, who kinda looked in pain now that I think about it, and me with twigs in my hair and scratches all over me.

"I'm fine Oz. In fact, I was just leaving, so... bye!"

"Yeah me too! Nice seeing you, we'll do it again real soon!" Xander and I turned around hastily.

"HOLD IT."  We froze as Cordelia barked her command. When we didn't turn, she continued, "Do I have to get Dennis out here again?"

I turned around.

Oz was studying me, his head cocked.

Wow. Cordelia really did look in pain.

"Hey, Cor, you okay?" Xander asked.

"Well aside from this incredible migraine and just witnessing a flaying? I'm fine," she grumbled her eyes closed as suddenly the ice pack floated again, and landed on her temple. "Thanks, Dennis." She sighed for a minute and then opened her eyes again and looked at me. "Okay, something tells me you're not here to see little ole' me." She pushed at Oz. "Go take her for a walk."

Oz gave her a quick glance, and she shrugged. "Just do it. Dennis will follow. Keep you safe. And that leaves you." Cordelia raised an eyebrow to Xander. "You. In here. You'll explain why you were playing stalker boy with my bushes and nearly gave me a heart attack, and then you will make me tea."

Xander gave me a bewildered look, but I just shrugged.

It looked like Cordelia. It sounded like Cordelia.

But ... but...

Oz came forward, stopping my train of thought when he took my hand and smiled gently. "Hey."

And I felt the plastic smile on my face, as I said, almost a whimper. "Hey."

Xander followed Cordelia inside, but I barely noticed, instead I saw only Oz's beautiful face, that gorgeous smile and those beautiful, animal eyes.

GOD, I had missed him.

And I felt my heart beating so fast, and so I mumbled, "Who's Dennis?" in the most give away voice I had ever had.

"Her ghost."

"Oh." Somehow that made sense. And I still have no idea why Cordelia would have a ghost, but... she had a vampire, a watcher and a werewolf, why not a ghost? And why was I rambling about Cordelia when Oz was right in front of me and I couldn't even smile?

"Come on." He took my hand, and we walked, and I don't know where we walked to until I realized that we were in a park.

I swallowed as he sat me down in a swing, and then gently began to swing me.

"You came to LA," he said without preamble.

I was shivering, and the shivering didn't stop, not even when he put his jacket that smelled so much like him around my shoulders and kept pushing me on the swing.

"Yeah..." I managed.

He paused, and then turned, sitting on the swing next to me, turning mine so I was facing him.

"Tell me why," he said simply.

And I swallowed, looking at him, and felt my heart splinter at his beautiful face. "Oz..." I began softly. "Oh, Oz I... I ..."

"What?"

There was a breeze, and it played through his hair, and suddenly my fingers followed it, drifting through his bangs. He froze, and I could tell I had somehow freaked him out, and immediately I felt my stomach sink, even if his face showed nothing.

I pulled my hand away, stuck it in my legs.

"I know what you're thinking," I mumbled.

"You do?"

"Uh huh. You're thinking that you don't love me the way I still love you, and I know that you don't want this to be hard on me so you're being nice and perfect and Oz about it. And all I can think about is your smile, and my smile and how you made me smile, and how I haven't smiled like that in years. And I know that I've been terrible to you and I don't deserve you and I knew that even if you did love me you wouldn't' come back to me because I hurt you too much and... well.... I don't' blame you. But Oz... All I want is a kiss. Just one kiss goodbye, before I break down anymore, and I look like even more of a loser, so-"

And with tears in my eyes I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. Softly, gently, tenderly.

He was still, and when I pulled away, not daring to look at him, I put my arms around my body and jumped away from the swing, running from him as fast as I could.

"DENNIS!"

Suddenly I had my legs scooped out from under me, and turned.

And my eyes widened, and I looked back, and what I saw made my heart skip three beats. I'm serious. Three.

Because Oz was smiling.

And it was this gorgeous smile that I hadn't seen in years.

It was the smile that he gave every time he told me he loved me.

"You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen," he whispered. And time stopped, and my heart beat harder and my skin flushed, and I began to cry.

I cried so hard, and the invisible body against me held me tighter, until suddenly a warm body that loved me and had loved me always pulled me into his arms, and then I clung to him.
 
I sobbed against Oz's chest, the tears of pain, relief, agony, ecstasy. Of memories of Tara and my lost love, and of Buffy and Xander and Cordelia, and everyone that had died, and the darkness that I had almost let succumb me.

And suddenly it was all going to be okay. I was going to be okay.

Because despite all that. Oz loved me. He loved me for all that.

He had never stopped.

"Oz..."

"Shh," he pressed his lips against my forehead, a soft brush of pure love. "It's okay, Willow. It's okay. It's all going to be okay now."

And the trembling continued, my whole body shook as I clung to him, so grateful and thankful, and so... happy.

"Willow, do me a favor," was his soft voice.

I swallowed, trying to calm my hiccups, raising my head and looking at him with tear stained eyes. He thumbed the tears away carefully, his eyes dangerously wet.

"Anything," I managed.

And he grinned, a beautiful, loving smile as he leaned forward, and gently brushed his lips against mine, my beautiful werewolf.

"Smile for me."

And looking at him in the sparkling moonlight, the beautiful face illuminated, his hands holding my body, I knew the truth. That I loved him. That I would always love him. That I could be happy. That I could be forgiven. That anyone could be forgiven if I could. That anyone could find love if I had my Oz returned to me.

That destiny did exist, even if it wasn't the way you expected it.

That there was a reason to smile.

"I will," I whispered. "I will. As soon as I see one thing."

He cocked an eyebrow, but nodded, and then I grabbed his hand, and then held my hand out to the air.

A ghostly shiver slid into mine, and I walked back to Cordelia's house, my soul trembling, my theory about to be tested, hoping against hope that what I knew was true for everyone, even for my beautiful Xander.

And I walked in the doorway, and I stopped.

And I felt my heart leap.

Xander was holding Cordelia in his arms, her eyes were stained with tears, and his voice was hoarse, his forehead leaning against hers, whispering words of love and regret and never forgetting.

And she was crying, holding him, and saying she loved him, mixed in with a few insults, and then their faces tipped, and suddenly they were kissing.

"Willow." I turned, my throat full with unshed tears, my heart soaring, to Oz. On his face was wonder. "You're smiling. Really smiling."

And I laughed, pulling him toward me and hugging him tightly, thankful, so very thankful, and so very happy.

"I know Oz. I know."

FIN