Teaser - A jealous confrontation and a need for answers prompts Cordelia to go to Xander with questions, and unexpectedly opens a torrent of emotions.

Disclaimer - Nope, not mine. Josses.

Author's notes- Realized I haven't written a C/X fic in a while, and decided I had to. This is a short fic, angst ridden, maybe I'll do a sequel if people want me to. The idea for it was after listening to the song "never Ever", but All Saints, which I think, aside from My Favorite Mistake, but Sheryl Crow, and "push", by Matchbox 20, is perfect for describing post lover walk angst.

Spoilers- Ahh.... Dopplegangland, what's up with crackhead Joss' (stole the name from Courtney - love ya girl. :-) ) characterization of Cordelia?!?!?! Augh.

Prologue

She sat by herself in the quad. Fingering her folder lazily, she didn't bother to look up or even pretend to care when Harmony and her sheep walked by giggling and pointing. It was almost as if she didn't see them. And she hadn't, not really. Her mind was on Wesley.

Guilt filled her for what she had done. A year ago, she wouldn't have hesitated to use a guy because she needed someone. Back then, she thought she was on top of the world. It was only when she hooked up with a nameless jerk did she realize how empty she had really been.

She cringed, remembering the scene. She knew she could wrap him around her finger with no problem, the guy was practically salivating. And he was cute, and she needed someone, anyone. Desperately. She needed to know she could still have a guy that nut over her. And an older guy was all the better. But she shouldn't have used him. When Giles caught them, he had been livid, furious. She knew Giles had been protective of "his" children, and Cordelia guessed she still sort of fell in that category, cause even though she didn't want anything to do with the Scooby Gang as HE called them, she still liked Giles. She still saw Giles. And she saw the disappointment in his face when he walked in on the scene. The aftermath had been incredible.

And now poor ignorant Wesley had been shipped off to England. She remembered when he left, the way, because she had felt guilty for using him, she had gone to see him off. He had held her closely, kissed her tenderly, telling her that nothing in the world could come between them. His eyes were adoring as he tenderly stroked her face, his smile trembling. He would write her all the time, he promised. He loved her, and so it was worth losing his job, worth being shipped back to England. The dolt. She wasn't worth crap. She grimaced. Her head was swimming when he poured his heart out to her. She knew that a while ago, she wouldn't have care, but her heart froze as she listened, feeling the guilt and sorrow encompass her. Because he really loved her. And Cordelia actually cared because suddenly once, she had grown a conscious. Dammit.

He had actually liked her. For who she was. Wesley was a refreshing change. He told her she was cheeky, whatever that meant (she didn't want to think he could be THAT perverse), he didn't see her as a bitch, and so, she didn't act like one. He cared about her, the adoration in his eyes as he held her close. And all she could do was smile tightly, peck him once, and then crossed her arms as she watch him stumble over the door hatch in an attempt to look behind him to see her one last time. She should have loved him. And she didn't. Dammit. Why? Cause he wasn't HIM.

When he held her all she could think about was HIM. And his kisses were good, but not great, not like-, the nameless jerk. The loser. The Zeppo. She had to keep telling herself that. She was furious at herself for allowing herself to fall for him.

Why had she? Xander Harris? Augh. Her entire world had been thrown upside down by that bastard and yet she still felt weak every time she saw him.

Not that she wasn't doing a hell of a job keeping up pretenses that she hated him. No one argued that. Of course, her anger helped. Sometimes she felt consumed by it. Where the hell did he get off? She'd given up everything that was important to her to hang out with him and his friends. Her friends. They had been her friends. For a time, she felt she had truly belonged with them. She had loved being with the losers. Of course, that was before she got impaled for her trouble. God, what the hell? He was the one that cheated on HER, had broken her heart, and what did he get? An understanding Buffy, a meek whipped Oz who didn't care that his girlfriend had treated him like dirt, and probably would again, an adoring Willow, who all took his side because Cordelia got angry.

She was hurt by that, she knew. Buffy had tried to understand, but Cordelia's bitter barbs had only to take about two weeks to repel her before Buffy had dismissed her as a lost cause. And maybe that's what she was. A lost cause. If they could give up on her so easily, if she could treat Wesley like this, if she could still be so hung up on Xander Harris, then maybe she was a lost cause, like her mother said.

She got up, smoothing down her gray skirt and fixing the top so it draped just right before she cradled her folder against her chest, and walked into the school, tastefully ignoring the leers of the freshman geeks that gaped at her as she walked by them. God, she was going nuts. She had never felt so low. So out of control. And she felt like she would crack under the pressure.

I bit my lip as I turned the corner, my mind reeling as I fought to control exactly how I felt about this whole Wesley situation. My mind was occupied, and I walked lazily through the corridors, only half aware that I had inadvertently decided NOT to go to class, and because of this, the halls were empty. Well, almost. Turning a corner, I almost shrieked when a blonde whiz flew by and almost knocked me over.

"Oomph. Cordelia! Hi!" Buffy said, fixing a wisp of hair that had fallen out of place. I sighed. Figured. Buffy was becoming a legend for the amount of times she could skip class. Her gaze was friendly, and I guess I didn't really feel in the mood to put anyone down, I was feeling too much like garbage myself, because I only regarded her, and then greeted her calmly.

"Buffy."

She paused, looking at me then, inspecting me with those unnerving blue eyes of those. I tried to look away, straightening up and setting my jaw firmly. I knew that Buffy still considered me a friend. Sort of. She was always civil to me, even when I went out of my way to be mean to her. It was hard to keep up defenses with someone like that.

"You look tired, Cor." She said after a minute, her head cocked as she nodded back.

I shrugged. "Homework, that sort of thing," I lied, shrugging it off. "What's going on?" Despite my better judgement, I couldn't help but be curious. Knowing what I knew about Sunnydale, I had this feeling, this gut feeling that we were on the verge of something big. It scared me. Buffy raised an eyebrow, indicating she was surprised but my question. "I mean, you almost bulldozed me, so I assumed it's something Hellmouthy." I explained.

"Oh, right!" Buffy chirped, tapping her forehead, "Ex-Scooby member, I forget."

I rolled my eyes at the hidden meaning in her words. I didn't need this. She didn't' have to rub things in. Turning, I was about to leave when Buffy caught my arm. Damn, her grip was firm. Did she know how strong she was? I was gonna have a bruise!

"Hey, Cordy. I was just kidding. Really." Her voice was softer, repentant. "How've you been?"

I looked away at the sincerity in her voice. Forcing a smile, I stood straighter. "Better than ever!"

"Well, I mean... with Wesley-"

"I'm fine, trust me. I've been through worse."

"I know." Buffy said softly. Suddenly an image of Xander and Willow came into my mind, the gut wrenching pain in my heart that was soon followed by the literal stab as I lay on my back, in a fog of agony, as Xander's tear filled voice and trembling hands stroked my face, pleading with me to hold on. I felt myself start shaking, feeling the pain in my stomach come alive again, and I shook my head, willing the tears not to come back.

"You know, Buffy." I began coldly. "I appreciate this concern for my well being, really, but you don't have to feel sorry for me. I hate that. It makes me say mean things." I stopped. I had no idea why those particular words just streamed out. I had meant to say something a little more cold, a little more hurtful. What I was telling Miss Sunnydale Freak was actually genuine. And I never did that. But Buffy didn't seem surprised.

"I know." She grinned suddenly. "You don't think I'm on to you, Cordy?" I felt my heart freeze and I listened to her continue, her eyes always gazing at me as if she could see into my soul.. "Act the bitch, say hurtful things, make everyone assume you're back to sophomore year form." Buffy shook her head, leaning in meaningfully. "I don't buy it, Cordy. You forget, you and I are a lot alike. Cept for me being a "freak" as so indelicately like to call me. You can't play that way with me. I don't' buy it."

I felt my jaw almost dropped, and for a moment, I felt real fear, suddenly aware that Buffy saw through me. That like… never happened. No one cared enough.. And god help me, I was gonna cry again. Damn! What was happening to me. I quickly looked down, to avoid letting Buffy see the tears that threatened to flood over.
Buffy was silent, looking carefully down the hallway to make sure no one was looking. "Why don't you let me try to be a friend, huh? I want to Cordy, really. You just wont' let me."

"I'll be fine." The tone was harsh. I felt myself wince. She didn't deserve that. I mean, how many people actually cared enough.... I felt my eyes float upward, and I looked at Buffy, my eyes softening. "Thank you." I finally said, simply and unsteadily. "Besides Wesley and maybe Giles, you were the only one that tried to understand."

Buffy smiled tightly. "You're welcome, Cor." There was silence, and then Buffy cleared her throat. "Listen… you wanna do lunch one day? You know, just you and me? On a day that the world doesn't end , I mean?"

Okay. This was getting weird. Buffy was asking me to do something? With her? Friends like? Alarms began to go off in my head. "Why are you being so nice, all of a sudden, Buff?" I asked suspiciously.

The blonde's eyes grew clouded, and her mouth drew downward. "Not everyone is what they seem, ya know. Sometimes they surprise you. I guess... lately, I've been figuring that out."

"Sure." I said dryly. "Silly me. Like I thought Xander actually cared."

"He did." She said.

"Uh-huh." The retort was dismissive. Biting my lip, I suddenly took a breath. I couldn't be on the outs anymore. I knew that. As much as I tried to pretend I didn't care about Buffy and Giles, and the whole Hellmouth, I knew that I had gone to far to keep myself out. I needed to help. For my own sanity. " Um… sure."

"Sure, what?"

"Sure to the … lunch thing. I'm not saying we'll be the next Romy and Michelle, but… I… I wanna help Buffy."

Buffy cocked her head sideways. "Come again?"

"Yeah. Like I used to, you, I mean, the research thing. I was getting pretty good at it. Just… not with Xander and Willow around. I wanna help Giles… and you."

I could tell I surprised her. She was stock still for a moment, studying my face, and then her face got all goofy. She gave me this huge grin, like one Mom would give me if I brought home some particularly cute and rich guy, and then she scared the daylights out of me when she lunged forward and grabbed my shoulders. I jumped, my face registering my shock.

"Cordelia! Of Course!" Her grin was bordering on Kool-Aid. And I blushed, glad there was no one else in the hall. I felt good too. I was finally doing something. That didn't…. didn't involve me.

"Uh.. Enough with the clinging already. No mush scene necessary." I said hastily. Buffy just grinned.

"No! See you couldn't have offered your services at a better time."

"Oh, God, I don't' have to be bait again, do I?" My stomach plummeted.

"Oh, no, this is purely tedious book work."

"Oh, fun." I answered dryly.

She motioned to me, and we began to walk in the direction of the library, Buffy beginning this huge explanation on the way.

"No see, Giles is back in as a Watcher, but he's still in hot water with the council, and they told him that he had to compile this HUGE database with all the demons and baddies we've encountered, with drawings, and detailed descriptions and stuff. And I remember you were quite the artist."

I suddenly had a mental picture of drawing demons late into the night with Giles insisting they were the wrong shape, that British voice of his going on and on about tact and other things. "God, what did I get myself into."

"Willow and me's would help, but what with the Mayor being this evil ascension guy and Faith turning sides and -"

"Woah, waih, what?!" I stopped Buffy with a hand to her arm. "Faith is bad? Like evil?" I suddenly felt a sunny smile float on my face, which froze when I saw Buffy's expression.

Her face softened, and sad lines formed themselves in her face. "Stuff's happened, Cordy. Lotsa stuff."

"Tell me about it. I thought Willow had turned into a vampire. Did I tell you she almost killed me?" Buffy looked surprised.

"Who saved you?"

"Wesley."

"Oh." Buffy was quiet, and then, "She was a vampire, but it was another Willow."

I frowned, now utterly confused. "Another Willow?" I repeated. Buffy nodded, and was about to go into a whole nother explanation when I waved her to silence. "You know what? I'll figure it out later. Chances are, Giles will let me know."

Buffy nodded, and with a shrug, she opened the door, letting me into the library. I felt my heart hammering as my eyes rested on Giles. His tie was loosened, and his glasses were off, his face a mask of visible frustration. I almost smiled. Nothing was a cuter site than seeing a flustered Giles.

"Hey, Giles, how's it goin'?" Buffy cracked. He looked up sighing.

"Perhaps you can kill me now?" He responded. His eyes rested on me and his expression became unreadable.

"Uh... Cordy's gonna help, Giles!" Buffy chirped, patting me on the shoulder. "With the drawing and stuff." I took a breath, remembering the last time he saw me he had gone red with rage at my compromising situation, and gave him a soft smile.

"S'Okay with you, G-man?" I asked, a little haltingly. He put his hands in his pockets, and then, slowly, he gave me a smile.

"Cordelia, your help is always appreciated." I felt my heart flood with relief, and casting a grin at Buffy, I walked to the old wooden desk, and like I was so used to doing, threw my bags on the table.

"So, the boring book reading, where do I start?" I asked, my voice chirpy.

Giles handed me a particularly thick book. I glanced at it, and grimaced. I knew this book. I hated this book. It wasn't even in English. This was the most loathed book in the library, and yet, I smiled when I took it. Buffy must have noticed my expression, because she gave me an amused smile, and then sat down next to me, pulling out a Latin to English translation text.

Giles was uncommonly quiet, and after a minute, I looked up, seeing his eyes looking at me thoughtfully.

"What?" I asked, aware of his scrutiny. He looked slightly embarrassed, but he began speaking after a minute.

"Cordelia... about Wesley." I felt my heart heave, and I sat up, breathing a little faster.

"Look, Giles... About Wesley." I took a deep breath, "I don't want you to think bad about him. He was a good guy. Even if he was kind of like a dufus."

Giles shook his head. "He should have known better, he-"

Glancing at Buffy, I cut in. "No, Giles. I should have known better. He didn't use me." I looked away, and continued, a little softer. "I used him." Giles looked a little stunned, and he grew quiet. Without another word, I buried my face in my boring non English book, and began my research. After a minute, I felt the pressure of Giles' hand on my shoulder. As I looked up, I saw his face, it was a mixture of pride, sympathy, and love. It was a look he had usually reserved for Willow and Buffy. Never for me. He had never really cared enough. My heart began to beat, and my eyes grew moist, as I smiled weakly at him, and then at Buffy and not trusting myself to speak, went back to work, feeling finally at home.

"She WHAT?!" It came out a little loud, because the other kids in the cafeteria looked at our table. Getting a little red, I gave them all a little wave, and a grin, before turning back to Buffy.

"Yup." She popped a grape into her mouth before reaching for her bottled water. "All day yesterday."

I couldn't quite comprehend what I was hearing. Cordelia Chase, Miss Snob, the chick who had made it her personal goal and inspiration to humiliate and torture me ever since we had broken up, that Cordelia Chase, had spent all day yesterday helping Giles in what had to be the most boring and tedious job since... well... since... anything? "Please tell me your kidding."

Buffy gave me a look. "I'm not kidding, Xander. She was nice to me, didn't insult me or anything." Willow and Oz gave each other confused looks. I didn't exactly know how to feel about this.

"Any idea what wrought this change?" Oz asked, a hand lazily covering Willow's.
Buffy looked a little strange, her face closed up for a second.

"Well.. yeah.. but ... I don't think it's my place to say, ya know?" Willow looked lost in thought, her red hair falling into her face as she leaned forward.

"You think, maybe, she's over this whole animosity thing she's got going?"

"Well, she's still none too happy about uh... Xand and you... but I don't know, but you know, for a sec it seemed like I was talking with Cordy, not Cordelia Chase. Cordy, ya know, when she was still with Xand-" Buffy trailed off and I felt heads swiveled toward me. I shuffled uncomfortably. When she was still with me. When she was my girl. That seemed like ages ago. But you know, sometimes it seemed like only yesterday I saw those pictures in her locker of me and her at the pier. That was a great day, I remembered. It was one of those few days I could remember when all I thought about was Cordelia. No Buffy, no Willow, just Cordelia. I wondered briefly what she had done with those pictures. "When she was still hangin' with us." she finished.

"So she's mellowed?" Willow cocked an eyebrow. "I wonder what caused the change."

The table got silent, but I knew what they were thinking. Wesley. Jail bait Wesley. It had been a shock to everyone when we heard about them. I didn't even know what to feel when I found out. Faith was still around then, we didn't she had gotten THAT maniacal, and one day, when we were hanging out, she just blurted it out. About how Giles had been furious, how he had reported Wesley to the Watchers, how Wesley had lost his job, refusing to lose Cordelia, because, as he told them over and over again, he loved her.

I felt numb when I heard. No one really seemed to look at me then, I think they all assumed I wouldn't care. I mean, I had lost my virginity to Faith, which was a pretty big rebound step for me, so they thought I had moved on. Hell, even I thought I had moved on. I mean, her pretty much treating me like crap really didn't do much for me as far as caring for her. I guess... cause Faith had jumped me like that... that we had a connection. Turns out we didn't. Turns out Faith used me. And tried to kill me. A connection with someone. I had always thought that maybe... maybe I'd have that with Cordelia. I always thought it would be me and her. But it wasn't. My first time... it was with a homicidal maniac. Somehow I felt... torn up inside when I thought about it. Cause it was good with Faith, but with Cordy, or even Willow... it would have been amazing. But I hadn't thought about that in ages. Cordelia, I mean.

But when I heard... I don't know... I suddenly felt furious. I felt... sick. I think I knew I was jealous. All I could ever think about was his hands on her. I knew what she felt like. I knew how she kissed. And I guess I had gotten used to me being the only one able to do that. I thought I was over her, I really did. But why, Wesley? why?

I mean, sure, he was older, and he was good-looking, I guess... for an older guy. But he was such a wimp! A coward!!

Buffy had looked at me then, she saw the rage in my face, the ... the mixed feelings, because she immediately changed the subject. But it was too late. For the next twenty four hours, the only thing that raced through my mind was Faith repeating over and over and over again how he loved her. It haunted my memories. I would dream about Cordelia, those times when we were alone, and her mask would be completely gone, and she would kiss me, oh so sweetly, her luscious body that I knew every guy in school, with the exception of maybe Oz, wanted, pressed against me, as she murmured these cute little insults that I knew were adorations. And then she's pull away and I'd see Wesley holding her, and she was hanging on to him like she'd hang on to me, and she was telling HIM those things, and he'd be telling her he loved her.

And I got angry. And something else. I don't know what it was , exactly, but it was more of a longing.... cause I knew that the Cordelia that was around now, the mean one, wasn't the real Cordy. I had seen the real Cordy. She had trusted me enough to show herself to me.... until.... that night. I thought that Cordy was gone for good.

Until I had gone to the airport a couple days ago. I was dropping somebody off for my uncle. I've had to do some favors in exchange for the car, and this was one of them. This guy was going to Europe or something, anyway, I was walking through the airport, and then I saw them. Just like in my dreams. Wesley was holding her in his arms, holding her close to him. He kissed softly once on the forehead, said something to her, and I know he was close to crying. And then he reached down and kissed her once on the lips. I felt my throat close up when I saw that. I was absolutely still as I watched her kiss him back softly and then give him a small smile. Her eyes were moist, and on her face, a look of sadness mixed with tenderness. Wesley smiled bravely at her, and then, finally letting her go, picked up his bag and walked backwards, waving at her. And then I heard it. He reached the gate, stumbling because he wasn't watching and he called out, "I love you!"

Everyone in the airport heard it, they all turned,and as I looked around, I saw people smiling at the scene. Everyone was, except Cordy. She had crossed her arms, and she gave him a wave, her smiling disappearing as he exited. I watched her then, my heart full. She was pensive, sad, thoughtful, and then dangerously close to tears, she turned, and walked away.

I realized then that I wasn't as over her as I thought. The look of gentle longing and tenderness that had caressed my features saddened me, made realize just what it was I had lost. Because I realized that Cordy is still in there. And I miss her terribly.

"Xand? Hullo!" I jumped when a hand waved itself in my face, and looking up, I saw Buffy, Willow and Oz all looking at me.
"Huh?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Tonight. Library? I need to figure this ascension thing out, I know it's happening on graduation, but that's all I know."

"Sure." She nodded, and the trio kept talking about the Mayor, and the ascension, and stuff like that. I only half heard. My mind was on Cordelia. Wondering when, if I would ever see the real her again.

Buffy had been right about one thing. This cataloguing was boring, and tedious. I got cranky, but one look from Giles, who was the KING of cranky, and I would shut up, and just keep drawing. It felt good to be doing this again. It felt a little weird, doing this alone. Buffy dropped in once in a while, to fill Giles in the latest goings on with Faith. She kept her word. No one came in the library when I was in there. I found myself looking for them sometimes. But then I came to my senses, realizing I was mad at them, and turned back to my work.

Faith was evil. That was so...weird. I mean, I never really liked her, but to know she was downright evil, a chick who I thought was our friend, it was weird. And I knew it hurt Buffy. Her and Faith had had some connection. They understood each other. I think that was why she came to me, she was so eager to be all chummy with me. I think she feels like she's got something like that with me. And I'm not evil. Not like Faith. Willow and Amy have this whole "we're witches" connection going on with each other, now that Amy's not a rat anymore. And Buffy feels a little out in the cold. And I guess cause of the whole Homecoming incident, I guess me and her have a bond. Not that I feel comfortable having a bond with Buffy, I mean, she is a Slayer, which is extremely freaky, but I kind of know how she feels.

"How's it coming along?" I looked to see Giles peering at me. I shrugged. "Good, I guess. Did I get him right?" Giles pursed his lips at my picture of the bugman. I looked at him too, remembering that it was actually this bugman that made me kiss Xander. God I hate this bugman. Feeling my cheeks flush as I thought of that first amazing kiss, I waited for Giles' approval.

"Very good, Cordelia." he said, patting my shoulder. "Perhaps you could start on a sketch of Drusilla?"

I nodded, concentrating for a minute on that crazy vamp's features before getting started. Giles looked haggard, and I didn't blame him. He was overloaded, what with the Mayor AND the cataloguing. Sometimes I think the Council are the stupidest people on earth. Why Cataloging NOW? And why did they fire Wes when he could have helped, at least he could have done this cataloguing, leaving Giles to deal with Faith fulltime. Wesley could have been a useful guy. I winced again, guilt again in my heart. If I hadn't pursued him like I did, he'd still be around.

The door opened, and Oz and Buffy walked in. I sat up, feeling suddenly self conscious, but Buffy only smiled at me, and Oz gave me a little wave, as if I hadn't completely ignored him for the past two months.

"Hey, Cor." He said casually, digging his hands in his pockets as he walked over to me.

"Hey, Oz." I said, almost guardedly. He walked over to me, looking over my shoulder at my picture of Dru.

"Nice," he commented, looking at me. "I never knew you were the artist."

"It's a talent she keeps pretty well hidden," Buffy kidded, wiping a tired hand over her eyes as she sat down next to Giles.

"I only draw once in a while." I corrected. "Cause Giles needs it." Oz nodded, and then grinned.

"You just never told me you drew."

"I thought you knew." I defended myself. His grin grew wider. I squinted my eyes at him. He was gazing at me weird, giving me this smirk like he knew something I didn't.

"What?" I finally asked. "why are you looking at me like you've got something up your sleeve."

He just shrugged. "You draw. That's art. I play music. That's art. We do art. We have something in common. And Hell hasn't frozen over."

Getting the joke, I finally grinned at Oz, realizing he still considered me a friend. He accepted me back. It felt good. I had always liked Oz. "Well, not yet. Around here, you never know." He chuckled. "What are you two doing here, anyway?"

Buffy cocked an eyebrow, her eyes growing a little more sad. "Angel just told me Faith has been ... hanging around him lately. Oz and me are just gonna grab some books and then head over to his place to hear him out."

"Oh." I said, aware of the hidden meaning. So Faith was jocking Angel. Yet another thing Faith and I did together. Yet I hadn't really succeeded. "Buffy?"

She looked at me. "Yeah?"

"If I didn't get him, Slut-Oh-Rama doesn't stand a chance." Buffy gave a small look, and then slowly, a smile spread onto her features. "Thanks, Cor."

I grinned back "Yeah, well, anyone that pays attention to Trailer Trash really needs to get their head checked." There was silence, and when I looked up, I saw Giles and Buffy give each other a look. Knitting my eyebrows, I looked at them curiously, but they just smiled their haggard smiles at me. Shrugging it off, I got up, stretching once.

"I'm gonna get a coke, anyone wants?"

Buffy shook her head. "nah, we'll be leaving in a few. See you tomorrow?" I looked quizzically at Giles, wondering if my services would indeed be needed. Giles nodded, and I shrugged.

"I guess so. Do I get to draw Spike tomorrow?" I winked. "He was a hottie." Buffy chuckled, and I walked out, mulling over my thoughts. I felt better than I had in weeks. Somehow, doing this, even though it was boring, and boring, and heck, even more boring than that, made me feel like I was making up for all that I had done wrong. I shouldn't have left the group, even if Xander was a jerk, even if Willow betrayed me. Cause we were kind of above that. The Hellmouth... it didn't care whether or not Xander was a lying cheat. For once, I knew... it wasn't about me.

I dawdled a little getting back to the library, wondering if Xander ever really thought about me anymore. I grimaced, I shouldn't be thinking about him, the pain in my stomach every time I thought of him, the welt of emotions, the flood of images of his lips on Willow's, the stab in my back... it was too... too painful for me. But I kept doing it. I still loved him. God help me, was I stupid or what ?

I had gotten a letter from Wesley. As I walked back to the library, I read it over again. Boy that guy wrote a lot. Five pages, back and forth. It took a whole class period just to read it. He talked a lot. Mostly about how he missed me, and stuff. He still loved me. I felt my heart heave. I was such a coward. If I had any spine, I'd have to guts to tell Wesley that I didn't. feel the same way. But I had done so much to that guy. Because of me, he had lost his Watcher career. Then again, I chuckled, I had probably done him a favor. According to the letter, he was now curator of some big museum, making good money. He'd probably be dead right now if he had stayed in Sunnyhell. I smiled, feeling a little better, realizing that he was actually happy, or so he said. Knowing, Giles still felt a little bad about Wesley, I decided he'd be happy to know he was doing okay. Looking at the letter, I pushed the door open.

"Hey, Giles! I got a letter from Wesl-" My voice trailed off when I looked up. Giles was nowhere to be found, and Xander Harris was sitting in his place.

Buffy had told me I shouldn't have come. She said that Cordy was still uncomfortable with seeing me. She had said that Cordelia needed time to get used to hanging around me and Willow again. I hadn't listened. I wanted to see her. And I immediately regretted it.

She walked in, her face was flushed, her eyes bright, her expression accented by a genuine smile that dazzled as only Cordelia Chase can do it. She was wearing this skirt that swished just so, her legs just.... beautiful. Oh, God. My heart began to beat faster. And then she had said those words. Wesley.

She saw me then, her eyes widened with surprise, and then, suddenly her face hardened, her mouth came down into a tight line, her stance became defense. I bit my lip, Cordelia had closed herself off to me. As usual.

"Cordy, hi." I said, trying to control my anger when I saw a letter in her hand, that I knew had to be from HIM.

She crossed her arms, her back straight and tall as she glared at me. "What are you doing here, Xander?"

Her question was deliberate. "Hey, I've got more right to be here, than you do, Cor." I reminded her.

She winced then, the wince that I knew only I ever notice, because only the things I say make her do it. I guess I can still hurt her, and, today, strangely, I wanted to. She was putting me through way too much.

She had no comeback, she simply ignored me, walking past me to the desk where her half finished drawing of Drusilla stared back. I allowed myself a small smile. She was good at that. But something was wrong. She hadn't insulted me since she had walked in. I was puzzled by that. I wanted her to. I was itching for a good fight, and maybe if she said those things that hurt me like only she could, then maybe I could believe again that I hated her. Cause I didn't believe it right now. Not the way I felt when I saw her. It was something completely different.

"Where's Giles?" She asked suddenly, gathering her things.

"He'll be back, said he needed some books, or something." She nodded shortly, and we were silent as she gathered her things. I watched her, the way her body moved, the way her hair just seemed like satin, moving like liquid with every movement. Warmth flooded me, and I shivered. And then I looked at the letter that she was carefully put in her folder, and was suddenly filled with some rush of anger that I suddenly blurted out,

"So, lover boy wrote ya, huh?"

She whirled, looking at me with those bright eyes of her, her jawline hard. "None of your business, asshole." she bit, grabbing her bag.

Watching her walk to the door, I remarked tightly, "You should have kept your hormones in check, Cordy." She froze. "You made him lose his job, everything." I bit off my words, but couldn't take them back. I don't think I wanted to. I was too confused to understand how to feel about Wesley, except maybe... angry. She turned back to me, and my throat grew dry when I realized that a slow, burning rage had started in her eyes. They were blazing. She rarely got this angry, I knew. And I knew then I had gone too far.

"Do you think you have ANY right to judge me?" Her voice was quiet, yet I could almost read the emotion in her voice as she gazed up at me.

I swallowed, forcing myself to look away. I was overreacting, I know that.

"All Wesley lost was a job," She bit at me, the meaning more in what she didn't say that what she actually said. "You ... bastard." The words came out unsteady, in a half whisper, and suddenly her eyes seemed to fill with tears, and closing her eyes, she turned around, and stalked out of the library.

I blew out the breath I hadn't even realized I had been holding. I had hardly never seen her so full of emotion before. I closed my eyes, musing over her last two sentences. All Wesley lost was a job... what had she lost? Her friends, her popularity, everything that meant anything to her. For me. She had given that up for me. And how did I repay her?

Sometimes I think I'm the biggest bastard on this earth.

The door opened, and Giles, wandered in, looking back after him thoughtfully.

"Xander.... what was Cordelia so upset about?"

I sat up, forcing myself to chuckle. "You know, Giles, how she is. I just said something about Wesley and she flipped out."

Giles face froze. "You what?" He asked, breathing hard. My smile froze.

"Giles, relax, we just had an argument. Like usual." He didn't' relax, he came straight toward me, with his angry Giles face. I gulped.

"Xander, do not EVER, EVER pester her about Wesley." He bit at me, his voice furious. "She feels bad enough about it as it is."

I nodded, my mind only half registering what he said. It was only later at night, when I was lying in bed, mulling over what happened, when I realized what he had meant. Feels bad? Cordelia feels bad about Wesley? Huh? Wha?

Buffy didn't help much, at least not at first. When I asked her about it the next day at school, she suddenly had this thing where she decided that she was becoming Cordelia's loyal buddy.

"Xander," she began heavily. "What Cor told me, she told me in confidence, okay? I can't just blurt stuff out."

"Sure, you can."

Buffy shook her head, standing firm, even when I gave her my sulky frown. Sighing, she slung an arm around my shoulder. "Nope, not budging."

"Damn." She grinned. "Why are you two so chummy lately?" I suddenly asked. Buffy's face grew grim, and then she gave me a soft smile.

"Cause I understand her."

"What? And from whence did this sudden clarity come?" I asked her, now completely bewildered.

"From Faith, believe it or not."

"Faith?!" She nodded. Her face suddenly became pensive.

"I realized that people have masks. Like Faith. And me. And Cordy. I just..... that whole thing with Wesley." I grimaced. I seemed to be allergic to his name. "I always thought she was just a bitch just cause she's a bitch, but she's not. She's different, than that, Xand." Buffy gave me a grim smile. "She has this little bubble that she hides in from everyone. She doesn't wanna get hurt. She knows what that feels like"

I grimaced, the guilt seeping through. And suddenly I pictured her face when she caught me with Willow, her eyes had grown wide, her whole body was trembling, the horror and pain in her movements were so frank and open, and I knew then I had broken her heart. Hell, I didn't even know I could do that! and then she ran... and she fell... I felt my stomach plummet, closing my eyes against the scene. The way I knelt down next to her, trying to say something, anything, but having so much to tell her that I couldn't utter a word. I wanted to tell her I was so sorry, I wanted to tell her that I loved her, I wanted to take away that pain in her face and in her body that I was responsible for. And I couldn't utter anything like that, I could only ask her to hold on. And her voice was so weak, as she asked for me, saying she couldn't see me. And then when she took that breath, and I thought she had left me for good... Oh, God, Cordy. I'm so sorry. I never told you,but I am. And you did leave me. You left me then.

"Hey." My eyes looked up at Buffy, who was gazing at me with concern. "You okay?"

I shrugged. "I guess. Just thinking', ya know?" She nodded, her arm on my back absently.

"Hey, Xand?"

"Mmm."

"If worst comes to worst, I mean, with Cordy, and you two end up going at it, like a real fight, don't tell her about you and Faith, okay?" Seeing my questioning glance, she shook her head. "Just don't. You'll hurt her more than you'd ever want to." And with that, she gave me a squeeze, and walked away, leaving me more confused and bewildered than before. Me hurt Cordy? Absolutely impossible. That would imply that she still had feelings for me. And that was quite obviously not true.

I could have killed him. Only he was able to do this to me, to get me so worked up that I couldn't see straight, think straight, couldn't' utter one word back. I didn't go to sleep that night. I lay awake in my bed, my eyes staring up at the ceiling wondering. He had seemed so angry, so deliberately wanting to hurt me. And I hated him for it.

I closed my eyes, the tears brimming underneath my eyelids. Oh, God, why did he do this to me? It was months ago, and just the sight of him .... oh, God. Why? Every time he says those horrid things, every time I see him, and I try to say something mean, something hurtful, all I can see, all I remember is his face looking down me, his hands caressing my hair, the tears in his eyes and the unsteadiness of his voice, the way he called to me, pleaded with me- DAMMIT! Why was I still so in love with him?! He hurt me so much, and I, like a half wit loser, still love him. Augh.

I was in a daze, the next day at school, even though all these weird things started happening. First off, Harmony was actually nice to me in class, but I barely paid attention to that. I'm so over her little barbs. What got me was that Willow said hi to me in the hallways, gave me a genuine smile, and I actually said hi back, and I smiled back. I think we surprised each other with that. I mean, I definitely surprised me. And next period, where it's just me and Oz, he sat next to me, talking to me like we were best friends. But I barely registered all of this, causing I was dreading Study Hall. Where it would be Xander, Willow and Buffy. Usually, I could walk in and completely ignore them, but ... I couldn't anymore. Cause Buffy and I were on ... sort of good terms, and Willow was nice to me, and I knew I couldn't see Xander and not react. I almost skipped that period, but I didn't . Gawd, why was I such a coward? I was Cordelia Chase dammit, suck it up and just do it. So I did. After walking back and forth outside the hallways, I finally just bit my lip and walked in.

And weirdness happened. Buffy recognized me, and began to wave wildly.

"Cor! Hey, over here." Willow gave me a small smile and motioned for me to come, rearranging her self so I fit on the other side of Buffy. I hesitated, cause then I noticed Xander. He had looked up when they had called me, but when he saw me, he just nodded. And god, the asshole looked good. Shaking myself, I took a deep breath, realizing it was now or never. I needed to deal with him, with them, cause I had come back. There was no backing out now.

So I walked over. Good old Buffy. She sensed the tension, because she immediately sat up.

"Okay, truce, okay? Xander promises not to be a jerk if you promise not to treat each other like crap." Willow grinned, and nodded, pulling me down and taking my books.

"Hey, Cordy." she chirped, flipping her red hair back. Looking at her, I realized I'm not mad at her anymore. It's just weird. I mean, I think I understand Willow enough to know she would never really intentionally hurt me. Well, maybe before, but not .. not when we were friends. She had been in love with Xander for years. I still think she owes me an apology, but I'm over being angry at her. I don't know if Willow knows how much she's blossomed this year. Her whole personality is different, she's confident, self assured, and her hair looks SO much better the way it is now instead of being all flat and stuff. She's got this inner vibrancy that even Buffy doesn't have. I mean, everything about Willow is real. It's deep.And guys notice. Xander noticed. They can't help but drown in the depth of her. Me? What they see is pretty much what they get. What's the mystery. The only guy who saw below that was Xander. And even him... he rather preferred Willow's deepness. I guess mine isn't that deep. Once again, that pain in my stomach resurfaced.

"So, I heard, you had an adventure with my vampy gay counterpart."Willow remarked, grinning wickedly.

I rolled my eyes. "If you call her almost having me for dinner an adventure, yeah I guess."

Willow and Buffy laughed, and then leaning forward, kept talking until Giles came in, and shut everyone up.

It was quiet during study hall, Willow and Buffy passed each other notes over me, nudging me every now and then, acting like I was one of them again. And it felt good. But something was missing. Xander had been strangely quiet all period. I hadn't given him one look, last night's fight still in my memory, making me almost broil with anger everytime I thought about it. I pretended to look at my books, and yet all I could concentrate on was him, the whole period. Finally, I couldn't stand it, I looked up, and then froze.

He realized I had caught him staring,and yet, he didn't seem to care. We locked eyes and then time just froze. I couldn't tear myself aware from his eyes. They were different than I had ever seen them, they looked haunted, full of hunger. I felt myself shiver at that look. He had never given me that look before.

And the bell rang, shaking me out of my trance. Feeling heat begin to sear my cheeks, I immediately reached down and began to gather my things, not looking at him. Buffy patted my shoulder, telling me she'd see me in the library, Willow waved goodbye, and I breathed a sigh of relief, until I felt a warm hand on my arm. I froze, forcing myself to breath. It had been so long since I felt him touch me. And the contact still filled me with shivers.

"Not now, Xander." I bit, trying to move past him. He held his grip firm.

"Cordy, please, I just want to talk."

Oh, no. I had found out I couldn't talk with this guy. It usually ended up in compromising situations, and right now, the way I feeling, I just didn't' trust myself with him.

"Xander, there is NOTHING to talk about." I said quickly, not looking at him.

"Yes, there is. We've needed to talk since, you know." He bit his lip, averted his eyes, and I felt a rush of anger. He had no right to feel bad. Anger at the situation that I was so helplessly out of control over filled me, and I felt myself blindly nod.

"Good, after school? In the library?"

I closed my eyes. "Okay." Xander took a breath, and nodded, before turning away. I watched as he walked away, and then suddenly, he wavered, turning back.

"Hey Cordy?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry. About last night." I shook my head as he left the classroom. Last night didn't matter. It was what happened three months ago that I was still having nightmares about.

When I walked into the library after class, my heart was pounding, I knew that Xander and I had never really had a real conversation since that night I had caught him with Willow. I had never given him a chance to explain. Of course, what happened really needed no explanation. I don't think even Xander can explain why I wake up at nights screaming, when sometimes I double over in agony from a wound that still is sore, even after all these months, that never healed completely. Oh, God, what was I doing?

"Oh, Cordelia!" Giles walked out of his office, smiling at me brightly. "Thank goodness you're here!" He told me, handing me a pad and paper.

"Giles, I-"

"Thank you for coming in, you don't know how harried I've been lately." I opened my mouth to speak, but when I saw his tired face, I couldn't bring myself to tell him I wasn't there for him.

Sighing, I put down my bags, and readied my pencil. "What do I draw?" I asked, sighing.

I didn't' say a word when Xander walked in twenty minutes later, though I did have to suppress a grin when Giles planted him with a book almost as soon as he stepped foot in the door. Fifteen minutes later, the whole gang was there. Despite the awkward circumstances, I felt almost good. Buffy tremendous thumps against punching bag, Giles constant complaining, Willow's clicking away the computer, Xander's wisecracks, and Oz's calm presence were things I had sorely missed. I almost smiled at my situation. I was happy to be back with the losers. And I think I know why. I had missed them. God forbid, but I had. All of them.

It was late when by some miracle everyone left the library. Willow had an assignment, Oz had a gig, Buffy had gone patrolling with Angel. I noticed that every half second Xander kept looking up, stealing glances at me. And I knew I was getting flushed. Awareness of him started to cause my hand to tremble, and I sighed heavily when my lines started to become shaky.

"Cordelia is something wrong?" Giles asked.

I shrugged, pointing at my drawing.

"Look," I motioned to the drawing of Spike. He gazed at it thoughtfully. Xander looked up from his books.

"It's definitely not up to par." Giles agreed. "Are you feeling alright?"

I took a breath, averting my eyes when Xander sat up.

"I'm actually a little tired." I confessed.

Giles stared at me for a minute, and then smiled softly. "Xander and I can wrap up, here. Why don't' you go home and get some sleep?"

I nodded gratefully, standing up and stretching. Xander saw me get up and stood as well. "Actually, G-man, I'm kind of tired, too."

Giles turned up an eyebrow. "Don't be silly, Xander. You don't look a bit tired."

I stifled a smirk as Xander began to shift his feet, searching desperately for an excuse to get out.

Finally deciding to take pity on him, I suddenly spoke up. "Giles, I'm kind of driving him home."

They both whirled.

"You are?" They both asked at the same time. I shrugged, raising a hand when they both motioned to speak.

"Don't make ANY comments." I warned. "I'm not turning soft." Xander grinned, and Giles just raised an eyebrow.

"Of course. Very well, then, Xander, you are free to go."

He nodded, gathering his things, and then waiting for me to pick up my books. We walked to of the library in silence, neither of us knowing exactly what to say. Finally he sighed, and turned to me in the abandoned halls.

"Cordy," he began heavily. I felt my heart well up.

"Xander, look, before, we begin this… I want to warn you about something." He cocked his head.

"What?"

"I'm extremely bitter about this whole thing,okay? I've gone through tremendous shit these past through three months, and therefore I'm not going to apologize for acting like a bitch."

Xander looked slightly taken aback, but he gulped and nodded. "So why don't' you tell me about it," He said evenly. I gave him a confused look. Xander was usually never this sensitive, and it almost undid me. I felt my lower lip tremble, and I looked away, crossing my arms to bar myself from him as much as I could.

Finally composing myself, I looked up.

"I just want to know why." I was shaking, but I looked at him in the eyes. "What did I do that was so wrong, Xander, that you went behind my back and then didn't even have the decency to tell me about it. I need to know WHY. Because if I don't find out, I swear I'm going to go crazy."

And there it was. There was no way around it, the question was direct, simple, and there was nothing I could to do avoid it. I saw her, her arms crossed, her eyes wounded, her stance tight as she waited for my answer. I closed my eyes,blowing my breath out. She wanted to know why… how could I tell her? I don't think I even knew myself.

"What it me?" She pressed, pointing to her chest for emphasis. "Did I do something wrong, Xander?"

"No!" I said, leaning toward her, grabbing her arms with my hands. She jerked away from my touch, her eyes suddenly blazing.

"Then, what?"
I swallowed, looking at the veiled emotion in her face, and I licked my lips before finally I just blurted out.

"I guess I got scared."

She froze, her eyebrow raising high as she looked at me.

"You got scared." She repeated. I nodded, my heart hammering. "You GOT SCARED!?!" She suddenly said, more forcefully. "Dammit Xander, that is SUCH a twinkie defense!"

She whirled around, and quickly I grabbed her, trying to turn her to me. She wouldn't budge.

"Cordy, please, just hear me out."

"Why the hell should I?" She hissed.

"Because I need you to."

And she turned again, and my heart rose in my throat when I saw that her tears had begun to run unchecked down her cheeks. "You need me to? You selfish bastard. I give everything that I was, everything that was inside of me to you, I love you with all my heart, I change everything for you, and you treat me like shit because you got scared?" She pulled her shirt up, to reveal her stomach, and then grabbed my hand and placed it over her stomach. "Look at it, Xander" She pressed, "Look at it. Can you tell me why this still hurts? Why my heart hurts even more?" I had no words as I looked down at Cordelia's beautiful abdomen. The skin was smooth, except right to the side of her belly button. There on it, was a scar, it was small, but the way the pain was just painted there, like a picture… I felt my heart heave as I laid eyes on it. Oh God. My whole body began to tremble, and I raised my eyes to hers, to find she was still staring at me defiantly, not bothering to stop the tears that had begun to freefall.

"Now if you can explain that away, Xander." She said. "You are more than welcome to try."

My throat closed up. "Cor- I…" I trailed off, and then looking up at her, the emotion so vivid in her face, I knew. "I love you." I whispered. "I loved you, and it scared me. I didn't know I could feel like that."
The answer was probably what she didn't expect to hear, because she looked startled. Her face was still for half a second, and then she just started shaking her head.

"No, Xander, no you didn't."

"Yes, I did. I do." I was insistent now, now that I knew it, I had to let her know. She had to believe me.

"Xander, NO!" And suddenly she sank to the ground and began to sob. My eyes widened, and felt tears sliding down my cheeks as I looked down at her.

"Oh, Cordy." I whispered, my voice thick as I saw Cordelia Chase break down before my eyes. Her shoulders slumped, face hidden in her hands, sobbing, completely broken. It was that moment that I realized that I had never known my girlfriend of nine months at all. Because, if I had known this person, this scared girl, there was no way even Buffy could have taken me from her. I kneeled down, gathering her to me. "Cor, please." I grabbed her gently around the shoulders, pulling her to me.

She jerked away. "No," She said, shaking her head fervently. "No,Xander."

"Cordy, I love you." She kept shaking her head. "Yes, Cordy, I do." I pressed, pulling her in, my whole being devoted to making the hurt less.

She struggled, but she was too weak in her emotion to put up much of a fight. "no, Xander, please." She pleaded. "Don't' do this to me, don't-"

"I have to, Cor. God, I was such a coward. I was such a cowar-Oh, Cor." I pulled her close, my own throat closing up as I held her shaking form to me as tight as I could. She still sobbed, but after a minute, her arms slid around my waist and buried her head in the nape of my neck, her salty tears wetting my skin. I held close, my lips on her forehead as I let her take comfort in me, the person who had caused all of this to happen, the one who had helped contribute to all this pain.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered against her ear, pressing my lips against her lobe. She shivered, but said nothing, too full of sadness, of fear, of guilt to do anything but hold me. "I love you." I whispered again, so relieved that I was finally able to tell her, to let her know. "I love you. I do, Cor. I'm always gonna love you."

"How touching." The voice came out of the stillness, and I jerked up, startled. For a moment I had thought that the only two people that had existed in this world were me and Cor. But as I looked up, I knew that wasn't true, cause I looked up, and saw Faith.

I barely heard her voice, I only noticed her presence when Xander froze, and releasing me, put himself behind me and her.

Faith just smirked, her arms crossed as she stood in front of the trio of vampires that each smirked at the scene, each huge, and each in their game face

"That was just lovely." She commented, pretending to wipe tears from her eyes. "I just..I never thought I see something so horribly sappy." She chuckled.

Xander was rigid, hands behind him, holding me in place so that I could barely see what was going on. "What do you want, Faith?" He said quickly.

She sighed, looking up and musing. "Well, I was looking for a … connection."

Xander flinched, and I could only looked at him, slightly confused, my mind a haze I still felt the tears in my eyes. Faith must have noticed, because as I hurriedly tried to wipe them away, she grinned.

"Pretty pathetic sight." She said. "This boy's a jerk, Cor. No reason to cry over."

Xander stiffened. "Shut up, Faith." He hissed, closing his hands around mine tighter.

"Don't listen to her, Cor." He whispered to me, I was bewildered as I looked at his face, he was so earnest, so desperate for me to listen to him. So I just nodded. I was frightened, but I think more confused than anything. Faith and I never really talked or anything. I never really liked her, but Xander knew her more than I did. And he was scared. Really scared, of something. The way he held on to me, his grip as tight, so tight I knew I was going to have a bruise later. Yet I knew that I didn't want him to let me go.

"Just get out of here." He whispered. "Go. I won't let them get you."

"Xander, what in that pee wee head of yours makes you think I'm going to leave you with vampy slut over there?" I said, my voice steadier by the minute.

Faith just smiled at the scene. "Xander, you really do get around, doncha?" She drawled. Finally, I guess she was over with the frivolities, because she just nodded. "Grab them."

We both tried to run, but I didn't even get three feet. Burly arms grabbed me and muffled my shriek, and I whimpered, my fear real and raw as I felt the cold terrifying skin of the vampire that held me. He growled low, my terror only feeding his hunger. "Hiya, beauty." He purred, and I shrieked again when I felt his fangs graze across the nape of my neck.

"CORDY!" I only vaguely heard Xander's cries, and I opened my eyes long enough to see him get punched by a vampire who held him. I closed my eyes, gulping as the vampire kissed my neck, his fangs protruding over it.

And suddenly he flew away, and Faith grabbed me by the arm.

"Can you please stop your hormones?" She spat at him. "She's not THAT hot."

Huh? My eyes flew open,and I forgot my fear for just a sec as the anger took over. Where the hell did SHE get off? I opened my mouth to retort, but couldn't' when she suddenly slapped me.

"Don't even start, Ms. Thing." She bit. "We've got an appointment."

"What's going on?" Xander said, pushing against the vampires.

Faith winked at him. "Ascension, babe you guys get to be a part of it. Come on."

I tried to struggled, I really did, but Faith the freak was so much stronger than me. Finally I kicked her in her shins. She whirled, her patience lost, and my eyes widened as I saw her fist loomed toward my head.

I only vaguely heard Xander's voice crying for me when the pain loomed brightly. And everything went dark.

"Cordy." Xander's voice seemed to bring me out of a painful fog. I felt fingers touching me, and the one thing I recognized about his voice was that there was fear in it. Instantly I was brought back to a time when I was in a similar position, my heart had been broken, and a piece of rebar had taken the opportunity to stick itself in me. I felt my heart heave.

And my eyes opened. Xander had me on his lap, caressing my face as he looked down at me, desperately looking to see if I was okay.

"Xander?" I whispered, wincing as I felt my head explode.

"Cor!" His voice slipped just a little as he held me closer. "I thought you... Are you okay?"

I narrowed my eyes, attempting to sit up and reaching up to feel a welt on my forehead.

"Oww. God, what did that slut hit me with?"

"She had a ring on." Xander said, tenderly brushing my hair away from my wound.

I sat up, looking at my surroundings. We were in a small library, a room or something. "Where are we?"

"In the mayor's house." Xander said, looking around with me. "We're locked in."

For the first time since I had woken up, I felt scared. "Xander, what do they want with us?"

He bit his lip, shrugging, "I don't know, Cor. You thank maybe we're bait?"

I was too overwhelmed and scared to notice that Xander was holding me as tight as he could against his chest. "Why the hell am I always the damn bait?" I muttered to myself.

Xander was quiet for a moment, before he turned me toward him. I felt my heart go into my throat when I saw him. He looked scared, his eyes were almost black with emotion. "Cordy, please... whatever Faith tells you, don't... "

I gazed at him, not sure of what Xander was talking about. "Xander, what would Faith possibly say to me?" I asked him warily. "She and I never exactly had a relationship or anything."

"Yeah, but..." He looked at me, and suddenly a finger came tenderly up to my cheek. "Cordy, I love you, okay? No matter what happens, remember that?"

And looking at him, the way his beautiful eyes searched mine, I finally believed him. Not that it would do either of us any good, but I finally believed him. I gave him a shaky smile, in spite of the dire circumstances.

"I know, Xander." He sighed, and pulled me toward him, before cupping my chin and moving his lips over mine in a gentle, loving way. I closed my eyes, forgetting the danger we were in as Xander's mouth possessed mine. Warmth invaded me, and I sighed. I don't know what kind of power this guy has over me, but sometimes it scares me. It makes me forget. And I don't want to forget. When I forget, I get hurt.

"Will you two quit it?" We both looked up, me a little slower than Xander, due to the huge headache I had. We both stared up at Faith, who had her arms crossed who was looking down at us, annoyance in her eyes. Xander pulled me closer, and stared defiantly up at Faith.

The way the two looked at each other, I felt a small sore gnaw itself into the pit of my stomach, but in my fear, quickly forced myself to dismiss it. Something was wrong, I could feel it... but now wasn't the time to dwell on it.

"Faith, what the hell do you want with us?" I demanded. She gave me an amused look, like I was some sort of cat she wanted to pet, and shrugged.

"I don't want anything to do with you, Queen C." She said stiffly. "But my Mayor has other plans.

With that, two vampires grabbed Xander and me, and tore us apart. Immediately, Xander began to struggle, trying to get to me. In my pain, my headache getting worse by the second, I could do nothing but let them drag me.

"Cordy!" Xander pushed at me, as Faith rolled her eyes.

"Dammit Xander, for someone who cares so much about a girl, you'd think you'd have waited."

Again, the pit in my stomach grew painful, but I couldn't look back as the vampire who held me took me through a dark house, into what appeared to be the basement. Some where along the line, I lost my ability to stand, Faith must have hit me harder than I thought, because my feet buckled beneath me. Again I heard Xander's terrified voice, and I could only cry softly, as the vampire cursed at me and picked me up, cradling me close to his chest.

The nausea almost hit me, and I had to wince to keep it down. This close to a beast, fear for Xander and for myself, and that pit in my stomach every time I looked at Faith's smirking face, I felt so helpless, so out of control. And even the knowledge that Xander loved me didn't do anything to comfort .

And I finally met the mayor, when the vampire set me down an ordinary looking man's feet.

He kneeled down inspecting my face. "She's a little, weak, isn't she?"

Faith walked to his side, and shrugged. "She got impaled a couple months ago, after catching him cheating on her with Willow. She's not up at full strength."

I closed my eyes. Faith was so... so cold. "Bitch." I muttered under my breath. The Mayor chuckled, and Faith's face was stunned, and a second later I was flung back by the force of her blow across my cheek.

"Don't YOU TOUCH HER!" Faith and the Mayor looked up and I could barely register Xander's voice.

"Faith, you're upsetting him." The Mayor said mildly, his hand in his pockets.

"Who, him?" Faith smiled. "Nah, we had a connection."

There it was again. What connection? What were they talking about? "Faith, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stop physically abusing our guest. You're getting her upset. And I'm afraid that pretty face of hers isn't quite used to this harsh treatment."

Faith chuckled. "That and you need her alive."

"That too." He grinned back at her, and then stepped around me to Xander.

I didn't hear their conversation, I only felt Faith's hands pulling me up to a sitting position.

"Come on, Queen C, you can't hurt THAT much. I mean, if I remember correctly, Wesley said you were frisky."

I shot her a look, mixed with hate. She just grinned. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"I don't believe a word you'd ever say to me, Faith."

Her grin grew wider. "Something's you have to believe, cause they're true." Kneeling down in front of me, she cast a look at Xander and the Mayor, before turning back to me. "Call you me a bitch?" She mocked, her voice suddenly turning Shakespearean. "That's fair again unsay. Oh tell me with what art, you sway the motion of Xander's heart." Now completely bewildered, I could only gaze at her.

"You've really lost it, haven't you?"

She cocked eyebrow. "Nope, I finally got smart." She sat down next to me. "You know, Cor, you and me, we've got a lot in common."

"I find that extremely hard to believe."

"I don't, think about. We both trusted people, the same people, they betrayed us... we both have the same taste in men-"

"Cordy don't listen to her!"

I looked to Xander, my eyes wide and confused as I looked back at Faith.

"What she doesn't know?" Faith asked, a grin emerged. "Xander you ARE a dog."

"Cor, don't listen to her, please!"

"What the hell are you two talking about!" I erupted, wincing as my headache grew bigger, but still managing to sound angered and annoyed. Xander gave me a desperate look, and I couldn't read him, I felt my heart beating rapidly.

"Faith, whatever happened to this Angelus fellow?" The Mayor asked mildly.

She rolled her eyes in disgust, getting up and looking at him. "No go."

He pouted, lost in thought. "That's two bad isn't it? I must admit I'm a little disappointed."

"Why do you need him?"

"It's a triumvirate. We need three."

"Well just take one of these guys." She pointed to the vampires that were around them. He studied them, and shook his head.

"No, it has to be a friend of the Slayer. It's hard enough to kill you, but something tells me she'll have a much harder time doing it to one of them.

Both eyes turned to me and Xander, and I felt my stomach plummet.

"Oh, no," Xander shook his head furiously, "There's no way-"

"Not him. I don't like him," the Mayor said absently, he turned to me. "What about her? We'll have to get another sacrifice, but that' won't be a problem, we'll just grab another one. The librarian, perhaps?"

Faith's face got clouded. "Nah, no good. Willow? I can get you Willow. I never really liked her anyway."

Xander cried out, pushing against the two vampires until one punched him the stomach, hard. I felt my heart close up in my chest. Not Willow.

They both kneeled over me. I knew I must have looked horrible. My face was still bleeding, and Faith's hits were still imprinted on my cheeks. They continued to talk over me placidly.

"Wait, don't they have to agree?"

He nodded. "I'll leave you to convince her." Faith grinned, casting a look at Xander.

"I don't think it'll be too hard. Her friends are exactly the loyal type."

I felt my stomach get nauseous, and then I knew that there was something that Faith wasn't telling me. She knew something that I didn't. And it scared me to know what. But I managed to feign disinterest in whatever she had to tell me, I sounded bold, instead of scared stiff.

"Faith, I have absolutely no idea what you two tweakos want with me, but I'm telling your right now, if you think I'm joining your End of the World Carnival, you are serious deluded."

Faith just smiled at me. "I always liked you, Cordy. You were the only one out of all them that was honest."

I scoffed, not daring to look at Xander, because I knew that in a sense, she was right.

"I can't exactly say the feeling was mutual, Faith."

Dammit, everything I said just amused her. Augh. I really hate this bitch.

"Look,Cordy, I'll make it easy on you. You join us or we kill Xander."

I felt my throat go dry, but my mind was whirling. Oh, God. Xander. Suddenly I remembered something in the recesses of my mind and I grabbed on to that thought.

"You'll kill him anyway."

She gave me a slow grin, and nodded. "But HOW he dies… well… it can be painful or not."

I tried to look back at Xander, but Faith grabbed my face roughly by the chin and pulled it back to her.

"Listen, you pretty bitch." She suddenly hissed, her eyes filled with rage. I felt my heart grow still when I realized she was fuming. "You may think you have it all, you may think that you just have to twist your little fingers and you can have any guy you want. Well, that's not true. Because I have something of Xander's that you'll never have."

I felt my heart stop. Fear coursed through my veins at record speed and I felt my stomach plummet, my whole body still in dread at what she was going to say.

"Faith! Cordy-, no"

Suddenly feeling void of emotion, I turned to Xander, and gave him one look that shut him up. With that, I turned back to Faith, my glare an icy one.

Standing up slowly, I looked at her, my eyes cold, and my voice steady.

"Faith, you damn better stopped insinuating and tell me what the hell you're talking about."

Her smile grew broad as she leaned in an wrapped an arm around me.

"Don't you get it, Cordy? I screwed Xander."

I felt my heart stop. This all seemed like some horrifying nightmare. Cordelia had absolutely frozen. Even the vampires that before had their grip tight on me just let me go, and as I looked up at them in desperation, I saw they were grinning at Faith like they loved her.

Faith was watching me, saw the agony in my face, and slowly, a grin spread widely on her face. Oh, she was enjoying this. I felt nauseous knowing I was inside her. I had that memory in my life for the rest of my life, knowing that she was always my first… knowing that Cordelia would always know that.

I felt a lone tear fall, my heart beating furiously. Slowly, my throat closed up, I walked slowly to her. She didn't look at me, though I'm sure she must have heard me, I was almost gasping for breath in my anxiousness.

I never wanted to hurt her, and yet I knew… I knew that this was the worst possible thing I could have done. I might as well have taken that rebar and stuck it back through her.

Gently, I placed my hands on her shoulders. "Cor?" I asked softly.

Suddenly she jerked, as if even my touch disgusted her.

"Don't you DARE touch me!" She roared suddenly, and turning toward me, I felt my heart drop. Her eyes… her eyes were so cold. She looked at me, as if she couldn't see me, as if she was trying to look into me, and I suddenly felt naked.

"I trusted you." Her voice suddenly got soft and shaky, as her eyes filled with tears. "I can't believe-"

I gulped, suddenly forgetting everyone else was there, concerned only for her. Moving forward I tried to grab her.

"DON'T!" she cried again, moving back in spite of the pain I knew she was in.

"Cor, please let me explain."

"How could you!"

Faith leaned in. "Yeah, Xander. You didn't put up much a fight, you know." Hate filled me, and I turned to her, my eyes flashing.

"you-"

"Xander, leave her alone. She didn't rape you." Cordelia's words were edged with ice.

And I turned, swallowing. "Cordy! I don't' know why- Cor, if I can just expl-"

"No, Xander!" She cried suddenly. "You don't get to explain! Okay? YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS BETTER!"

Faith had her arms crossed as she marveled at Cordelia's grief.

"She's really on the drama trip, isn't' she? What you two never did it?"

And I gulped. We had waited. Because she was a virgin. And Because I was a virgin. We had waited. And I had stopped waiting. Apparently she hadn't.

Faith's eyes grew wide, and she chuckled. "You didn't did you? Xander, you dog!"

My fists clenched, and I snapped. I lunged to her, but she was after all, the Slayer, and before I knew it, I was on the ground, my hands on my stomach, the wind knocked out of me.

Faith looked down at me in amusement. I paid her no heed, instead turning my eyes to Cordelia. She gazed down at me, the blood blazing red, her eyes bright with emotion. Her mouth was trembling, but she kept staring at me, something in her eyes looking for something from me, waiting for something. And I couldn't do anything. Because I didn't know what she needed. What she wanted from me. Even though, right now, I would have done everything for her. I would have done anything.

And there was nothing I could do. I had hurt her irreparably. Despair filled me as her eyes grew hollow, and without a word, she turned from me. And then I could nothing but pull my legs up, and stay utterly still.

Faith walked over to me, nudging me with her foot. "Thanks, Xand." She whispered. "You did more than I ever could."

"So, Cordy? Everything you believed in, everything you trusted, it's all gone." She turned toward her, and whispered in her ear, still loud enough for me to hear. "And I'll never betray you. You have nothing. But with us, you'll have it all, Queen C."

"You're wrong, Faith." I sat up, suddenly aware that Cordelia's voice had gone steady.

Faith chuckled. "About what? Little witchy Willow takes your boyfriend, Buffy takes their side, Xander loses his virginity to someone else a few weeks after you break up without putting up much of a fight, and you've got a scar on that tummy that will remind you of it the rest of your life." She poked at the exact place, and I felt anger rise in me as Cordelia flinched, but thank God, stood her ground.

She closed her eyes, breathing for a minute, and when she opened them, they were bright.

"I still believe in one thing, Faith."

"What?"

"Me. I still believe in me. I finally believe in me." She smiled through her pain. "I never believed in myself. I needed other to make me believe in me, but I finally do. And Faith, darling, you'll never take that from me."
She smiled at Faith, who was too stunned to come with a retort. "Oh, and Faith? About Xander over there? You may have rutted like a dog with him, but who has his heart huh?"

Faith's eyes blazed and her hand reeled back to strike Cordelia. And then time stopped when Cordelia calmly reached up and blocked the blow.

"I watch good." She responded. And I had never been prouder and more in love than at that moment.

The vampires that had held me now were around the two of them, and I sat up, in pain, but able to walk nevertheless.

Faith in her anger, didn't notice me. "You bitch." She growled. "I don't give a damn if he wants you or not, and to hell with the triumvarent, I want you dead."

And my heart pounded. Without thinking, I sprinted and barreled through the vampires, tackling Faith and taking her down with me.

Cordelia screamed, but I barely heard her, I was trying to keep Faith off of me. I knew I was no match for her, but I also knew I had to try.

"Cordy! Go on, get out of here!" I cried.

Faith just laughed before punching me off of her. "How the hell is she going to do that?" she asked me. And I looked as saw the three vampires holding her between them. My heart froze. I didn't watch Faith for a second, and regretted it right after, as I heard Cordelia scream again and felt the most blinding pain strike me right in the head.

It was an iron, I think. And it hurt like hell. I fell immediately, but fought so hard to stay conscious, aware that it was falling on me a second time.

But it never came. I opened my eyes against the pain and saw the most beautiful scene in the world. Buffy was holding the tire iron back, maybe two inches from my face. And murder was in her eyes.

"Faith, I've taken a lot." She bit. "but this just cuts the cheese."

I sighed in relief, and lay my head down.

I could barely see, I had to close my eyes to keep the blood from getting in, and Buffy's voice was above me, crying out for Angel to help her.

She moved from above me. I squinted my eyes, trying desperately to stay conscious and avoid the pain as I looked to make sure Cordelia was alright. In my haze of tears and blood, a blurry Giles was holding her, while she was fighting as hard as she could to get to something that was in my direction.

"Xander!" Cordelia's voice was shrill above the din, and I was only vaguely aware of Willow and Oz pulling at me, and dragging me. All I heard was Cordelia.

She was still screaming when I blanked out.

Soft hands caressed my body, and I felt lofty. Out of it. I felt pain, but was only mildly aware of it, as these hands and fingers kept sending rushes of pleasure throughout my body. My brain was only slightly aware of it. The rest of it was trying to recognize the voice that was speaking to me from above somewhere. It was a beautiful voice, but it was crying. And I couldn't figure out why.

And I tried to reach for it, and couldn't, and finally in frustration I jerked.

And suddenly the voice became much louder, and I felt those soft hands grab my body.

"Xander?"

Cordelia. I opened my eyes, wincing as the light above me hit me full force, but I didn't move, I was too busy trying to find her. She was hovering over me, her face cradling my hands as she gazed down at me, on her face a mixture of worry and love.

And there was no hate. Relief flooded my body.

"Cordelia!" Even though I still felt weak, I pulled her to me, not daring to let go. She was surprised, but recovered quickly, and hugged me back briefly before pulling back.

"Xander, you're hurt." She said firmly. Her hands on my chest, she pushed me back on the bed.

I could only smile at her in relief. "Are you okay?" I asked, my eyes roving to her forehead, where a Band-Aid covered the left half. Her eyes glistened as she carefully pointing to the bandages on my head, her fingers tenderly grazing my cheek.

"It's not me we're all worried about." she responded. And as if on cue the door opened and Buffy poked her head through.

"Hey Cor. How's he-" She trailed off when she saw me looking at her in bewilderment. "Xand! You're awake! He's awake guys!"

And the door opened and in stormed Oz, Angel, Giles and Willow. Buffy came forward and hugged me so hard I gasped in pain.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" She winced, for a moment forgetting my wounds.

"What's wrong with me?"

"Broken ribs, concussion, the usual." Willow quipped, leaning over and kissing me on the cheek. Oz and

Cordelia both raised an eyebrow, but one look at Cordelia caused Oz to smile. I knew I was gazing at her in adoration. She only swallowed, and looked away. I bit my lip, but was forced to return my attention to my other friends, as Buffy began to chatter away about how she had managed to save me and usurp the end of the world, yet again. And I wish I could tell you how she did it. I'm sure it was something great. But you know what? I barely heard a word of it. I didn't listen, instead I kept my gaze on Cordelia. She was silent, as she sat slightly apart from the group, her legs and arms crossed, her body still. A bruise where Faith had hit her was going purple. Her clothes were dirty, unchanged from the previous events. Her eyes had sags around them, her hair was pulled haphazardly into a pony tail and she gazed at everyone with an unreadable expression.

And I thought she never looked more beautiful.

"Hey... Buffy?" Buffy stopped midsentence, and looked at me.

"What?"

I swallowed, and smiled sheepishly from the hospital bed. "Can I talk to Cordy alone?" The room grew silent. All eyes turned to Cordelia.

Cordelia turned her head, meeting my gaze, her eyes narrowing, and she was still silent.

Buffy gazed at her, as if asking for something, and after a moment, Cordelia nodded.

"Sure, come on, guys." Buffy pushed everyone out, even Willow, who was still going on and on about how my IV wasn't on the right side of the bed, according to medical procedures or something.

We were silent for a minute.

I took a breath, and let it out slowly, aware I was still in pain. I had no idea what I was going to say to her. I didn't know how to start this. But thank, God. She did.

"You know, you're an idiot."

My head shot up. "huh?"

She nodded, keeping her arms crossed as she stood up slowly and made her way to the side of my bed. "I could have kept resisting. I knew Buffy was coming."

I was completely bewildered. "Huh? How did you know that?"

She cocked an eyebrow. "Buffy came through the fireplace. She was signaling to me right after I found about you and Faith."

"Oh." So that was why she had gone all self control on Faith.

"You didn't have to do that."

I nodded furiously. "Cordy, I HAD to."

"Because you're a man?"

"No, because I love you."

She looked away, and walked slowly to the window, staring out of it for a moment. "You have a funny way of showing it."

I almost grinned at the irony of the statement. "So do you."

"Xander, if we tried to psychoanalyze me, we'd be here all winter break." She turned and looked at me. "You know, you're not the only reason I went ballistic."

I swallowed, and nodded, remembering all she had lost.

"And yet.... none of that meant anything yesterday." She continued. "When I thought I might lose you. For good."

My entire body went still. "Cor?"

"Okay, first of all. Faith? Just eww. Okay? The thought, just the picture of you two *DOING It-" She trailed off, shuddering. "Xander... I feel sorry for you. You're first time is with ... that.... homicidal-" She trailed off, apparently not be able to find a word graphic enough to describe her. "And that's your problem, not mine. We weren't together when it happened. And frankly, I never, ever want to hear about it." She sighed, and then sat on the bed, facing me.

"You can be such an asshole," She breathed, looking up and then back at me, smiling shakily. "but so can I. And I think that sorta makes us perfect for each other. You hurt me, more than anyone can, Xander, and it'll be a long time before I really trust you completely, but I also know you love me. And you really know me. And you still love me."

I nodded, breathless. She gave me a soft, tired smile. "And I still love you."

I felt my heart skip a beat. "Cor? What are you saying?"

"I want to start over. Me and you. Together." Seeing my stunned face, she rolled her eyes, finally allowing herself to give one, small grin. "Isn't it obvious, geekboy?"

And it was, and so I gulp, my heart full, not quite believing she really meant it. But she did, because she lifted a shaky hand and placed it over mine, and then leaned over, and gently placed a tender kiss on my lips. And I finally dared to believe her.

And I held her as close as I could, a tightly as I dared. The knowledge that it would take her a long time to learn to trust me completely raced through me, but I only held her closer, loving the way she felt against me. It didn't matter. Because I loved her, because I would always love her, it didn't matter. Because as far as I was concerned, I could wait forever. Afterall, if that was the case, I had all the time in the world.

And in the meantime, I knew that we would have our battles, but we would fight them together. We had passed the harshest test any people could pass, we wounded each other, and we still loved. And that made all the difference. We were gonna be together, me and Cor. And I would never leave her again. I love her. Forever, ever and Always.