Title: The Smile
Author: Melissa Flores
Email: mistyjox@hotmail.com

Summary: Oz contemplates the one thing that has affected him most in his life.
Notes: Ah well... just go with me. No mention of Cordy anywhere. Proud, aren't ya? :-)
Spoilers: Wild at Heart
Dedication : For Karen. I owed her one.

That was when I  knew, I knew that I couldn't live without her. When I was staring at her, and she was smiling, and talking in that way of hers, and I knew then, because she smiled and my heart did that flip flop thing, and it really moved.

Oz's heart doesn't move. Everyone knows this.  I'm placid guy, I don't get affected by everything. It's part of the innate coolness. But she made me feel, she made me feel so many things.

Anger, love... pure love. And all because of that smile.

I never questioned it, I never thought I would. But here I am, sitting on top of this moment, my shirt torn and ragged, the blood seeping from me as I wake up and look at the world, and what I've become, and all I can think of, is her smile.

It tames me.

The animal instinct, it had to be the animal instinct. Wolves follow the pack, they aren't solitary animals, they never were.  They lick each other's wounds, they stay together.

I can feel it in me, the need, the need to see her the need to curl up in her lap, and to sob, to cry like I never have before me.

I can feel the need to see that smile.

Because it heals me.

I don't know who I am anymore. I left because I wanted to know myself, the find out who I was.

All I'm finding out is that I need that smile.

It scares me, the fervor that the need is, in my heart. It's animal, the tameness leaving and the only thing that is still there is this ardor, this burning need. And I can't go back, I can't go see that smile that I love so much because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid for her.

I look at my body, torn and bloody, I feel the bloody stains on my mouth, and I look at the body of that rabbit that I bitten the hell out of.

I feel my body, smooth and soft, and all I can think of as I rise, and I walk naked through the woods the five miles where I know my van is waiting is that I need that smile, that if I ever see that smile again I'm going to hold on to her and never, ever let go.

I won't be able to . I'll hold on to her with a primeval roar and I'll snap with animal instinct at anyone that tries to take her away from me.

Because it's not just the smile anymore.  It's her hair, and it's her eyes, is the way she speaks, and the way she sits, it's the way she kisses, and the way she strokes her fingers through my hair.

It's need.  But is started with the smile.

And I feel nothing.  I feel nothing as I climb into the van, and I pick up the shirt and the pants that had lain discarded and pull them on, as I sit in my car, turn on my radio and break the stillness with the music that is just a part of me now, and I pull out onto the road and I drive.

The only thing I think of is that smile. And I feel nothing but need.  I'm going to break soon, I know it. I have to stop because I'm going to break soon, and I'm going to go back and I'm going to hold her and never let her go.

I can't do that. Not when I know what I am.

I'm an animal. Pure and simple.  And I've become wild. She tamed me. That smile tamed me. but without, I've lost the control  that I thought I had.

I pull into the mountain lodge parking lot, slide out of the car, and walk into the building. I do nothing but stare.

"Oz! Hey." I nod to the patrons and walk to my usual spot on the stage.  I say nothing as I sit at the stage, and I pick up my guitar, and I see nothing when the early morning resort crowd quiets.

All I do is close my eyes and picture that smile, I feel my need coming, raw and rampant, and I feel a growl emerge.

Then my fingers fly, like they never did before.  I lose myself, thinking about that smile, and I revel in it, my face revealing nothing.

And time stops for me, as I think about it, and suddenly I'm with her, and I'm breathing in her scent, and I'm crying, sobbing in her arms, and for one second, I feel the tameness within me, the wildness held at bay by the comfort of her arms, by the feel of my tears against her skin, by her smile.

I imagine going to her door, knocking and watching it open, watching her smile when she sees, that beautiful smile, and I can feel  my heart beating wildly, feeling it move inside of me, literally thump, and I'm in her arms, I hear her voice and I feel my heart beating faster and faster as I hold on for dear life and for once, my wildness is abated.

Then I'm holding her too tight and she's telling me to let go, telling me that I'm hurting her., and I can't let go. I can't let her go because I need her to much. And she starts to cry, and I feel her fear.

I tear myself away, because I'm not seeing that smile I need so much, I don't even see her.

My eyes are open and I'm in the lodge, and suddenly thundering applause fills the air around me.  Closing my eyes, I breathe, and walk off the stage, ignoring the claps and hollers and thumps on the back.

All I can think of is the smile

"That was wild." Scott the bartender tells me, his voice full of awe.  "I'm serious man."

I close my eyes and I breathe, and once again I find my mind thinking about that smile. "I know." I responded.  "Yeah. I know."

And it's all cause of that smile.