Guilt filled her core when she was with Xander, guilt she had never quite been able to shake when she would accidentally catch Oz's eyes in the hallways, when she'd see Cordelia's stone cold face, immobile, uncaring, and utterly unreachable. Cordelia and her had been friends once, they were friends now, but in that period after graduation, when Willow had finally attained the one thing that for most of her life she had wanted so badly, they weren't. Not really, Cordelia stuck around for Buffy's sake, for Giles, and as soon as graduation happened, she was gone.
But the guilt remained, when she would close her eyes and think of Oz, when she would look at Xander, and the betraying sentiment of the werewolf would pervade her and for one moment, she felt evil, she never shook it off.
It wasn't fair, to anyone really, what had happened, to Cordelia, to Giles, to Xander. She had come off scott free. She was married to a beautiful man, a man she loved, a man she knew loved her. She had a wonderful career, and for the first time, Willow was perfectly happy, there wasn't someone or something else she secretly wanted, someone she secretly envied, she had everything.
And it included the guilt. Watching Xander's eyes furrow in pain when Cordelia asked Giles to marry her, seeing Cordelia's stonecold face that she now knew meant she was in terrible face, watching the terrible agony in Giles's eyes as he watched his reason for living go storming out of the door.
All this time, Willow was on Oz's lap, feeling his gentle stroking, his love. She had no reason she couldn't be with him, no reservations.
And Giles and Cordelia's life was on the brink of insanity. Fear curdled in Willow's heart, along with the guilt that for six years had been in her heart.
A call to action seized her, and from the minute she had left Giles' apartment, hearing the details of the horrid Eyghon that continued to haunt her older mentor since the day he tampered, she began to delve back into a world she hadnt' touched since she had left, except for one occasion when all she managed to do was throw everyone in a love spell, cause havoc and almost get everybody killed.
But she needed to take action, to take this guilt away, to make the wrongs right and the unfair fair, for her sanity, for everyone's sanity, she needed it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Cordelia?” Giles called out as he entered his apartment. He threw his keys on the desk and closed the door behind him. Looking around the room his eyes stopped at the bottom of the stairs where one of her overnight bags sat.
“Cor?” he breathed. His eyes quickly flickered up to meet hers as she stood at the top of the stairs.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” she said softly. He looked her over carefully, his eyes darkening as he noticed her hand and then stopping on her face. She had been crying. He felt his chest constrict at how haggard she appeared, how pale. She looked as if she were having the life sucked out of her.
“I just walked in,” he murmured. He stood in the doorway, unable to move from the spot. ‘What’s going on?” he asked eyeing the bag.
“My mother had another attack.” She moved down the stairs and towards her bag. “She’s in the hospital.”
“What?” Giles looked at her in shock. “Is she all right?” he moved towards her now, instinctively wanting to comfort her.
“Uh, not sure. My father called me and summoned me back to LA. So I just dropped by to get a few things.’ She fondled the shoulder strap of her bag and turned to look at him.
“I…Let me pack a bag and I’ll-“
“No, that’s okay. She’s my mother, my problem. Besides you have a lot to deal with here-“
“Cordelia you are what’s important to me. I want to be there for you.”
“I know,” she smiled sadly, touching him gently on his arm. She looked up in his eyes, “I know, but there’s so much going on here. Buffy and Angel need your help in kicking Price’s ass out of town. This thing with my mother isn’t anything new. I’ll deal I’ll be fine.”
“Stop saying that.” He said loudly and she jumped. “Do you think you’re fooling me by saying ‘I’ll be fine?’ Stop pushing me away. Stop trying to avoid me. Dammit I want to be here for you. I need to be here for you, but you’re not letting me,” he said tightly.
“Rupert, I-,” she looked down and covered her mouth with her hand as the tears seeped from her eyes. He quickly pulled her close to him, resting his chin on her head as she began to quietly sob. “I have to go. I need to go and you need to stay here.” She pulled back from his embrace and he gently cupped her face in his hands lifting her eyes to meet his. The anguish he saw there left him speechless.
After a moment a ragged sigh fell from his lips and he nodded slightly, knowing that it was what she needed. Bowing her head down, she kissed his palms before gently pulling his hands away from her face. Stooping down to pick up her bag, she nervously took out her keys, hesitating before walking hurriedly past him over to the door.
“I’ll call you, when I get there,” he heard her say. A moment later the door closed.
He remained where he stood, telling himself to just keep breathing, forcing himself to simply keep breathing. But it was so hard. So damn hard. At the moment, he felt it would be easier to just stop trying.
He finally turned towards the door, a heaviness filling him, as his eyes fixed themselves on the closed door.
“I love you,” he whispered.