"Sometimes, when I'm alone, in the still of the night, when there's nothing going on, and I'm bone tired from another long shift in engineering, I finally get to really sit down and examine myself.. and in the end, I can only come up with one thing
Just what the Hell happened to me?
I mean, I used to be so strong, so independent so full of myself. Okay, I mean, that sounds bad, but in a way, I was proud of myself. I didn't need anyone. I could stand on my own. If a relationship didn't work out , well then , that was his loss, not mine.
But then again, I had never really fallen in love, I mean, not the type of love that you dream about as a kid. Yeah, even a Klingon can dream about love and knights in shining armor, and I guess, if I really think about it, that's what Tom was. It's not to say that I didn't love guys, I did, I think. I loved my father, but I don't really think he ever truly loved me. I mean he left me And I think I loved Reggie, back in those hell on earth days at the Academy. But he was so into his perfect Academy record that when I got kicked out he didn't give a damn about me. And I do love Chakotay, and for a while I thought it was the real thing where your palms sweat and you think about holding hands on the beach and watching the sunset when you two kiss, but it's not. It's more of a daughterly thing. I mean, the guy scolds me more than my own father did. And you know, I think I even love Harry. I mean , I truly do. But, it was never in a romantic sense. <pause> No, I'm lying to myself. It was. I remember the first day I had met him, the green ensign, when his eyes were paralyzed with fear at the thought of being God knows where with a little spitfire like me, and he STILL managed to come up a sarcastic reply and the guts to try and calm me down. That was when I realized that this guy was special. And for a while, there times when there was this sexual tension between us like a wire shooting sparks, and we really grew closer, so close, in fact, it scared me to go even closer. I mean we were truly friends before everything else. He was the guy I could count on to be there. And I had never wanted us to go further, but secretly I was hoping that he would bring up this thing there was between us. But he never did, and I realized that it was better that way. This way, he could be the one guy that would never leave me, never hurt me that way, he became good old Harry. And I fooled myself into believing that that's all he was to me, even until now.
So what the hell happened to me?
And then, Tom started showing interest. Tom, with his piercing blue eyes and sandy blond hair, tall and lean, with a great smile and that gruff voice. I had always considered him a pig when it came to woman. He was the guys in all my life that had hurt me, had left me. But the spark in his eyes when he looked at me was real, and he really did like me for me. And I guess I was flattered. And I still do love him. I mean he's a great guy. He's brave, he's stoic, and he loves me or loved me but you know what I realized? He's never once told me that he loves me too. Never, and because I thought I loved him and he loved me, I would take all his flirting (though thank goodness he had the decency never to do it in front of me) even though he never acted on it, and his disinterest in the relationship, because he was trying. And then one day it hit me he never told me he loves me too. What the hell? So I asked him, and he evaded the question. The piss off couldn't answer me. And I thought
What the hell happened to me?
A year, two years ago, I wouldn't have taken this! What the hell happened to my ideals, my ethics? The best he could do was that he CARED for me? Come on! What happened to that Klingon fire that I had inside of me? Did Tom blow it out? Before him, even when I thought that me and Harry could have had something, there was always this fire inside of me, this spark, a spitfire in me, that everyone commented on. Why the hell was I even with Tom? Here I was, reduced to the type of woman that I've always despised. I remember how much I looked down on Kes for being with Neelix even when he was so domineering of her. I thought it was great when they broke up, because then Kes got a fire inside of her. Where's my fire? Even Seven of Nine has a fire, and now Harry's ga-ga over her. But where's mine?
What the hell happened to me?
I deserve more. I know that. I need it. And I know that Tom can't give it to me. Oh, I know he loves me, but he doesn't appreciate me. And I need more, that's it. For my own self respect.
I mean, the thing was, I always thought that Love was what I had with Tom. When you think about him all the time, when the love is passionate and hot, when you face danger together that brings you closer, when it's you that can tame the savage beast inside his heart. Damn Klingon phrases. But you know? Maybe not. I still feel that's something missing. Maybe that's not what real love is at allThat's just faery tale romance crap that dissallusions you. Because when you take all that away, you have nothing inside that makes you a better person.
Maybe that's what love is. It's supposed to make you a better person, to bring out the best in you. That's what Harry told me, those years ago when used to really talk. I miss that. Because although we didn't have romance, we had love. Mutual love, that made both of us better people.
But now he's in lust over Seven, and I'm in lust with Tom Some heroes we turned out to be, right?"
"She hasn't left his side in three days. She barely eats, and the only time she even turns away is to make sure Annika is okay. We don't know how much longer Harry is going to remain like this, and she doesn't show any inclination of leaving. Frankly, Captain, I'm worried about her."
Captain Kathryn Janeway remained silent when Chakotay finished his speech. Finally she looked up and smiled grimly at him.
"Can you blame her, Chakotay?"
Chakotay shrugged. "No, I guess not. But I'm still worried."
"Chakotay, if the one person you really loved had died, and then suddenly reappeared, how would you react?" Chakotay smiled sheepishly.
"I don't know, Captain. You tell me."
"Ha, ha, commander. B'Elanna's on leave until Harry wakes up, and then we'll give her a few. Seven has valiantly offered to help Carey with engineering, so until then I see no problems."
"Seven's really grown, hasn't she?"
Janeway had to smile. "You mean from the stone cold Borg she was before? Yes. Funny, I don't know how she did it, but B'Elanna actually seems calmer."
"Tell me about it," Chakotay agreed. "Seven's not known for her tact."
"Neither is B'Elanna." Janeway bantered.
"True, True. Alright, Captain,"the first officer said with a smile. "I take my leave. See you for dinner?"
"Of course."
************************
It felt like a bubble, a white bubble, or maybe a dark one, Harry wasn't sure. It was like it was a transparent sheild that he could pop if he could just reach out and touch it. He could hear voices, but because of the damn bubble he couldn't tell whose they belonged to. He was desperate to reach it, and one day, after what seemed like an eternity, he was able to, all he had to do, and it took all his energy to do it, was reach out and touch and, and when he did, it popped, just like that.
The light that hit his temples when he opened his eyes was like a blast to his head. It really didn't feel good. He groaned, and felt his arms raise immediately to cover his eyes. Suddenly there was a flurry of activity and what felt like two pairs of arms touching him, grabbing him. Touch... The feel of someone touching him was an experience so alien to him he jerked his arm and forced his eyes open again.
"Nice to see you too, Mr. Kim." The Doctor said dryly when the young man's eyes focused on him. "Welcome back. I must say it has been a pleasure."
Harry only stared speechless at him. The doctor could see him. He had done it, they had done it.
"You can see me?"
The doctor rolled his eyes. "Quite obviously the trauma that you've been put through has damaged some brain cells. There is no need to restate the obvious, Mr. Kim. Yes I can see you-" The doctor was cut off when Harry wrapped his arms around him and squeezed him tightly.
"That was unnesicary." the doctor said testily, not allowing Harry to see the smile that had come involunarily to his lips.
"Where's B'Elanna and Annika?" Harry said, beaming.
"They'll be here soon, I've alerted them that you've regained consiousness. Thank goodness. Torres hasn't given me a moment's peace, she all but moved in here." The doors slid open when Annika barged in, followed by B'Elanna, walking almost shyly.
"Daddy!" Harry was still weak, but his fatigue left him as soon as he saw the smile on his daughters face.
"Annika!" he cried, opening his arms to her. She ran into them, and Harry held her closely, his eyes closed tightly.
Only B'Elanna noticed the tear that escaped his eyelid when he hugged his child, and dammitall, if she didn't control herself she'd cry too. God he looked so beautiful. So damned beautiful and so alive. It had taken her the week he was unconsious to train herself not to burst into tears every time she saw him, but now.. now he was alive, looking and speaking. He was truly alive.
Harry held on to his daughter, but looked up at his wife with an earnestness and love that scared her deep down in her core. The same vibrant passion, the love he felt that was deeper than anything she had experienced was still there, in his smile, in the way he looked at her, and before, she had believed in it, clung to it. But now, it terrified her. And she knew why. Because she felt the same way back. Far more than she had before. And it had almost destroyed her the first time.
Harry Kim was too busy staring in wonderment at his wife to notice her inner torment at seeing him. His face creased into a smile that defied any god's as he walked forward and gathered her to him slowly, tightly.
"Hi." he whispered softly. To feel his arms around her was too much. For what seemed to be the umpteenth time, B'Elanna began to sob, clinging to him as if for life. Harry Kim held her tightly, not wanting to let go anymore than she did.
"Shh." he soothed. "It' s all going to be okay now. I promise."
But was it? B'Elanna heard his words and somehow, she couldn't believe him anymore. Nothing was okay. This torrid emotions that swept throught her and made her never want to leave his side also made her want to run from him. Guilt mingled with anger and a love she herself was so fearful of giving . A fear of desolation. He had left her once before. . . She wasn't sure she could take it again. And look at what she had done... She had kissed, even agreed to marry another man, even attempted to seduce him, and Harry was saying it was okay? Nothing was okay, nothing.
But the reassuring warmth of his presence, the scent that he held and the love in his words were more powerful than all of that.
"Oh, Harry I missed you." she whispered, and with that kissed him harshly, tears mingling with each other, as Harry kissed her back passionatly, wishing desperatly to make up for the year that he had been gone.
The doctor waited patiently for a few minutes before he realized that the lovers were crushing the happily oblivoius child in between them, and then he stepped in.
"I'm sorry, B'Elanna, but Harry needs to rest now. " B'Elanna realized the truth in his words, Harry could barely stand up. With the doctor's help, they disengaged Annika, and led Harry back to his biobed. Harry stepped up willingly enough, but as B'Elanna gave him a small smile and turned to leave, saying "We'll talk later.", he grabbed her hand and pulled her to him again, this time kissing her once gently and slowly.
"I'm back, B'elanna. I'm back for good." B'Elanna froze, and quietly stepped out of his arms, lying him back down.
"Get some rest, Harry. We'll talk later." And because she couldn't resist, she gave him another kiss , and finally left with her daughter.
That man that B'Elanna lived for was back. But that wasn't the happy ending Harry wanted. It was the beginning of feelings, emotions and actions that would change the lives of everyone involved forever.
Tom Paris took a deep breath before the closed door of sickbay. He wasn't sure how Harry would react to him being there. But something in his mentality told him that he had to come in and see him. Even if he didn't even want to even talk to him, something in Tom Paris made him need to see his best friend. He needed to see him alive. And so after a while of staring at the closed doors, he finally stepped forward, allowing them to open before him.
Harry Kim looked up as the doors open and his heart was in his throat, for he thought it was B'Elanna. She had come only twice to see him, and both times she had been rather uncomfortable. But it wasn't B'Elanna that came in. It was Tom. Harry instinctively felt his heart harden, and he immediatlely fought against it. His first initial reaction when he began to witness Tom's eager friendship with B'Elanna was pure rage, but time had let Kim mellow, and he realized that despite the obvious, Tom had proved to be nothing but the best of friends.
Tom ventured a tentative smile and without hesitation Harry returned it.
"Hey Tom." He said with a grin. "Took you long enough." The sincerity in his words eased Tom's anxious heart and he finally let himself relax.
Letting his breath out in a big rush, Tom said, " You sure made this tense moment easy to over come."
Harry shrugged. "Well. I thought about hating you. It just wasn't worth it."
Tom stared at Harry thoughtfully. "Harry, about that-"
"Look Tom, you thought I was dead. You were willing to take care of my daughter , and marry B'Elanna even if she didn't love you -" Tom looked up, and Harry trailed off. He saw the pain in Tom's eyes, and realized how much Tom loved his wife. It caused a jealous boiling in Harry's blood, but he stilled it quickly, reminding himself that B'Elanna was his.
"Wait a minute, how do you know she didn't love me?" Tom asked, looking at Harry through sad aqua blue eyes. Harry shrugged.
"Simple deduction. Within hours after they found out I was still alive-"
"No more engagement, yeah I know." Tom said, the hurt clear in his voice.
Harry stayed silent, but layed a hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Tom, this is going to be hard for me to say, but... if anything had happened to me, or will ever, I would want you to be with her and Annika. You're the only one I trust with them."
Tom smiled. "Thanks Harry. But now you've got me looking forward to your death." Harry rolled his eyes.
"Nah, deep down man, you care."
"I'll never admit it."
*********
"Captain can I talk to you?" Kathryn Janeway looked up at a very agitated B'Elanna hovering at the front of her doorway.
"Come right in B'Elanna." She said warmly patting the area next to her on the couch. "What seems to be the problem?" she asked, when B'Elanna sat down.
It took a while for B'Elanna to form the words that she wanted to say. "Captain, I understand that you've instructed Harry to move into his old quarters as soon as he's discharged in a couple of days."
"That's right, I didn't think you would mind." Janeway responded flippantly before resuming to her padd.
"Well, that's the thing, Captain. I do." Janeway stopped her movements and stared for the first time at B'Elanna.
"Oh. I see." she said quietly, putting down her padd. "Would you mind telling me why?"
B'Elanna licked her lips nervously, looking down at her wringing hands before replying, "It's very complicated, captain. I'm not sure I know myself...... I mean.. a year I thought he was dead. And I fixed my life around that. I tried to get around his death, and for a while, I almost succeeded. Having him back... Don't get me wrong, captain," she said quickly when a worried look came into the captain's eyes. " I still love Harry. I love him so much it hurts... but I don't quite think I'm ready to live with them." Her brown eyes met Kathryn's blue troubled ones, and Captain Janeway saw all the emotions that words could not express.
"Oh." Kathryn laid a hand on B'Elanna and smiled wanly. "Very well. We have some extra quarters. But you have to tell him. He won't understand if it doesn't come from you."
"I will, captain." B'Elanna took a deep breath. "I don't know how, but I will. Thank you, captain." B'Elanna smiled grimly and walked out of the room.
Janeway stayed where she was, and watched her go. Oh, No. I don't even want to think about what comes now.
"So what do you think, Seven? Fit as a fiddle?" Harry Kim asked, walking beside the Borg to his quarters. Seven's eyebrow rose.
"Fiddle?"
"Yeah, a fiddle, you know, instrument's that's wood? You know?"
Seven's face was blank.
"Oh, nevermind." Harry said, and he suddenly smiled, and pulled the stunned Borg to him in a crushing hug. The hug took the Borg completley by surprise, and her startled face showed it as it turned crimson as soon as he released her.
"You seem rather pleased today, Mr. Kim." She said, attempting to straighten out her now rumpled uniform.
"Are you kidding? I'm alive! I can feel you! When people look in my direction, they see me! They hear me! Do you realize how great it is to be alive, to have a wife and daughter to go home to! To have friends?"
"You do not expect me to answer that, I hope." she said quickly.
Harry let out a deep hearted chuckle and began to walk down the hallway.
"Come on, let's go home."
Seven just shook her head and followed him to his quarters. She hid a smile from him. It was good to have Harry back.
"Honey, I'm home!" Harry's jubilant cry brought Annika rushing from her room into his waiting arms. The force of the blow caused him to fall back on the couch, but he clung to his daughter just the same.
"You're back! "
"Yes, I am, my little spitfire!" He said, motioning for Seven to come in as she waited hesitantly at the doorway. As Seven entered the quarters, B'Elanna emerged quietly from her bedroom, watching the scene before her.
"Hi, Harry." She said quietly, and the tone in her voice caused him to raise his head and look at her searchingly.
"B'Elanna? What's wrong?" he asked, his voice full of concern. Torres looked away from his gentle stare, turning her attention instead to little Annika, whose dark chocalate eyes looked troubled.
"Seven, do you think you could take Annika for a walk?"
Seven, who had looked positively uncomfortable since she had stepped in the doorway, cast a glance from parent to parent, and agreed quickly. Striding forward, she clasped the child's hand, and walked her quickly out of the quarters, even as Annika was complaining very loudly. B'Elanna allowed herself a small smile at the way Seven handled her namesake. She pulled her out the doorway, even as the little girl dug her heels in the ground... and the strangest thing? Annika seemed to like it.
When the door had closed, B'Elanna looked at Harry silently, and unconsioucly crossed her arms, attempting to shield herself from his alarming presence. Harry caught this action immediatly, and looked at B'Elanna in concern.
"What is it?" he asked her straightforwardly. B'Elanna almost laughed in remorse. B'Elanna and Harry had always fought two ways, either they were yelling at each other at the top of their lungs (which incidently always ended up with them making furious passionate love) or this way, in low, tones, no emotion shown at all from their voices. Harry had had no problem reverting back to the old style. It made it even harder. Her mouth went dry as she looked at her husband of eight years. She had rehearsed what she was about to say in the mirror at least twenty times, but now, looking at him, she couldn't bring herself to say it. And yet she had to. She was too torn up inside not to do anything but hurt the man she loved, and so she said it as curtly as she could.
"I don't think you should move back in."
The statement was short, but completley effective. Harry Kim's face changed from gentle concern to confused anger.
"Exscuse me?" He sputtered, stepping forward until his body was mere inches from hers. "Can I ask you why not? These are my quarter's too, you know."
"I know, Harry. And I'm sorry, but either you move out, or I will."
Harry stared at her searchingly for a minute, and turned his back to her, pacing the room violently, his heart beating quickly. What was she saying? His wife was kicking him out of his quarters, but why? Why?
"Why?" he spun around, facing his wife with moist eyes full of hurt. "Why?"
B'Elanna forced herself to breath, and tried to figure what to tell her husband. She knew he deserved the truth, but how could she explain what even she didn't know?
"Harry.... You... I.. . I need time, okay? "
"Do you still love me?"
B'Elanna lifted her startled eyes to his and bit her lip. "You know I do, but that's not enough. You were dead, Harry. I never I was gonna see you again, and now here you are, and I don't what I'm feeling, I don't know what I'm' doing, but I can't just let you back in, okay? I need time, to sort myself out. Look at me, Harry, Look at my eyes, I'm a mess, and the fact that you look so damn real and wonderful and understanding, is just not helping. I know it's not fair, and I know you have every right to be angry... but I need to be by myself, and dammit I sound so selfish but Harry..." she was on the verge of tears when she forced herself to stop rambling and look at her husband, who was staring at her in shock. "Annika might want to stay with you. Janeway's arranged something for you in Neelix's old quarters." she finished, her tone more controlled and calmer.
Harry stared at his wife for a few long minutes.
"Is it Tom?" he asked suddenly.
"What? No, it's not Tom!" B'Elanna looked positively annoyed that Kim would even suggest that, so Harry dismissed the theory. He sighed. Months of waiting and watching had taught him to read him wife very carefully. He had studied every curve, every wrinkle, every lovely part of her face, and he knew that look in her eyes. She still loved him, and for that, he would forgive her anything. Time, fine he would give her time. Enough to sweep her off her feet and feel safe again. And if staying away from her would do it, well fine then.
"Okay. I'll leave." he said slowly forcing himself not to feel angry as he looked at her obvious relief. "On two conditions: One, I can come here to see my daughter anytime I want to, and two that you promise me that we will try to work this thing out, together."
B'Elanna bit her lip, but nodded, thus sealing her fate. Harry knew that her promises were cemented. She would never go back on them. He smiled. Eight years of marriage to the tempermental Klingon had taught him a thing or two about getting her to agree on things. But his one fine art was knowing how to get her to stop being mad. And the seduce B'Elanna back to him plan was just about to start phase one.
"Fine then, it's a deal, shall we seal it with a kiss?"
B'Elanna's eyes grew wide. "A kiss?"
Harry looked so calm it was infuriating. "Yes a kiss, you're still my wife B'Elanna, and if I don't get to touch you, kiss you or anything else for a while, then I think I deserve one last kiss before you kick me out. I'm being very understanding, B'Elanna." he pointed out. "It's the least I deserve."
B'Elanna felt her pulse quicken as she looked at the blatant hunger for her on his face. It was the same hunger she felt, but would she be able to stop with just one kiss? When she knew all the joys and rapture and pleasure that came with doing more?
She sighed loudly, and nodded, walking to him, closing her eyes and raising her mouth expectantly. She waited for a minute, and finally opened her eyes to see Harry staring down at her, his arms crossed and his face disgruntled.
"Well, if I kiss all that bad maybe I won't do it." he said, a little angry at her hesitation.
"Oh, for heaven's sake, come here." she demanded, pulling his face down and meeting her lips with his. Their mouths moved with each other with easy familarity, but the hunger was overwhelming, and B'Elanna felt Harry groan as she used to her teeth to pull at his lower lip, and nibble at the side. He took the hint whole heartedly, and pulled B'Elanna to him harshly, pressing her body to his, loving the way she felt against him. His scent, and touch was pure heaven to B'Elanna, and she opened her mouth to her, inviting him in fully. Their kisses became furious and hotter by the touch, and soon Harry released her mouth and used his lips to travel down the side of her face to her neck, nestling his face in the crook of her neck before returning his attention to her lips, which parted in anticipation of his waiting caresses.
There was no telling what could have happened if the door chime hadn't rung at that time, but it was sufficeint for the two officers to regain their control and looked at each other in surprise at the response they still evoked in each other's touch.
B'Elanna looked positively red when she stepped out of Harry's arms, forcing herself to walk away from him before calling for the intruder to come in.
Little Annika skipped into the room, Seven trailing behind her, her face one of frusteration and agitation.
"She refused to stay out longer." Seven informed the two quiet parents, before nodding to them and leaving.
B'Elanna quickly wiped the wetness from her lips and her neck and motioned for Harry to do the same.
"Daddy!" Annika jumped into her father's arms and kissed him soundly on the cheek. "Will you put me to sleep?" she asked hopefully. Harry cast an agonized glance at B'Elanna who shrugged. She hadn't the nerve to break the news to Annika, but now she had to.
Considering the rather tumultous event that the last year had placed on her young mind, Annika Kim took the news rather well. A fullblown tantrum emerged, and her little eyes narrowed on her mother vindictively. Her poor emotions had been taxed too often for poor Annika to even attempt to understand why now, of all times, after all they had been through, her mother was tossing her father out when she had just gotten them back. And like the child that she was, she looked for a scapegoat. And at that moment, her mind remembered Uncle Tom, and her mother.
"It's your fault!" she said, her eyes wet from unchecked tears, as she gazed on her mother. "Yours and Uncle Tom's!" Her eyes were full of anger and confusion, and Harry was unsure how to calm his overwraught child, and wrestled between his own conflicting emotions, the horrified hurt and guilt on B'Elanna's face, and the tear stained face on Annika's. Finally, he took a deep breath, and deciding he needed to calm his daughter down more than anything, gave her a firm but loving frown, and carried her without a word into her room, even as she was kicking and screaming. There he proceeded to give her a long guilt inducing lecture, filled with sorrow and when he had gotten the desired guilty look from her face, let Annika know how bad she was making her mother feel. And then, because Harry Kim couldn't bear his daughter feeling any more pain, told her daughter that it was only for a while, that his mommy and him would be back together soon, and that they were doing this only because they needed to.
Annika reduced to sniffling during the talk, and when Harry Kim was finished, felt about as big as a pin. She nodded meekly when he asked her if she understood, even though she still didn't.
"But, Daddy... can I still see you?"
Harry smiled his most winning grin. "What do you mean, silly? Of course you can still see me! You're my girl, remember? We'll be together all the time! Now remember," he leaned toward her conspiratively, his voice lowering, and his eyes twinkling, " you have to be good to Mommy. She's had it rougher than both of us you know. She didn't know anything was happening, and you and I, we did. Right soldier?"
"Right!"
Harry smiled. "And do me a favor, hon. Put in a few good words for good old Dad, okay?" She leaned her forehead against his and smiled.
"Understood." she mimicked the Starfleet order.
"Good answer, officer. Now can the ensign give her old dad a hug?" Annika immediatly complied, and Harry allowed himself to hold his daughter viciously tight. He took a deep breath, and let her go, smiling and kissing her ridged forehead.
"You're going to be beautiful young lady." he whispered. "Just like your Mom." With that he smiled, and backed out the doorway. "See you soon." The door slid closed and Harry turned to see B'Elanna watching him, her face worn and haggard, and her arms crossed nervously. Looking at her face, Harry finally realized the pain and suffering his wife was going through at this moment. He longed to take her into his arms, to comfort her, but that would have to wait. Until she could sort things out. Until she could let him back in.
"She'll be fine." Harry told her softly. "But you should go talk to her"
"Thanks, Harry." The answer came out strained, but Harry smiled at the sincerity.
"Yeah, no problem. I'll... I'll pick her up tommorrow." He walked slowly to the doorway, and picked up his bags, before stopping to look back at the slim form of his wife staring at him from the doorway of their bedroom. He turned his head and walked out of his quarters, letting the door slide shut behind him.
"Mom?" Torres shook herself out of the daze that she was in, and turned to look at her daughter, who just ten minutes ago had looked at her with murderious eyes.
"Yes, darling?"
"Mommy..." Annika kicked at the ground. "Mom, I'm sorry." B'Elanna let out a sigh of relief, and opened her arms. When Annika jumped into them, she closed them around her and held her tight.
"Oh, it's alright, honey. I'm the one that should be sorry. This is hard for you." Annika gazed at her.
"Mommy, why?"
"Oh, honey I wish I knew." Annika stared at the uncertainty in her mother's eyes and shrugged.
"I love you Mom." she said simply.
B'Elanna let a tear fall from her eyes and hugged her tight again.
"Listen to me, Annika. There's nothing going on with Uncle Tom. He's not bad. He loves you, you remember that. And I love your father. A lot."
Annika cocked her head, and scrunched her nose.
"You know what, Mom?"
"What, hon?"
"Grown ups are screwed up."
And it was that statement that made B'Elanna laugh out loud for the first time in what seemed forever.
Torres never understood life's twists and turns. Just when she thought that life should have been perfect, it felt that her life was in shambles. It seemed that everywhere she went, she left behind unresolved issues, broken relationships. She needed to piece her life back together, to work things out.
It wasn't until she saw the look in Annika's eyes that she realized how selfish she had been. Her daughter had no idea how complex things had become, and her confusion at the situation only hurt B'Elanna more. Despite everything, her daughter meant more to her than any unresolved feelings, anything in the universe. And that knowledge led B'Elanna to one of the most difficult descisions she had to force herself to make. Her daughter's happiness was everything, and if that meant letting Harry back into his quarters, and consequently, her life, then so be it. But first, she had to take care of another broken heart. Tom's.
Through the months of Harry's death he had done nothing but be there for her. He had done nothing but love her and Annika, and yet, she had tossed him aside without a second glance. She didn't even want to think about the damage she had done to his heart, to his pride, and she knew that he deserved at the very least an apology, an explanation for her behavior.
So, after a week of muddling through routines and shifts, custody shifts, and averting glances with the two men that dominated her thoughts, she realized that she had two missions: one, to ask Harry to move back in, and two, to apologize to Tom. She resolved to deal with Tom first, for some reason, it seemed easier.
And so, the morning that she knew he was off, she walked briskly with a beating heart to his chambers, and rang the chime after moments of hesitating. His face when he opened the door was a mask of surprise, and almost dumbly, he moved aside so that she could enter.
"Hi." she said, after a moment of silence.
"Hi." was his answer. Realizing that she was doing nothing but creating an akward moment, B'Elanna decided to dive right in.
"Listen, Tom... I don't know exactly how to say this... and I know that I'm probably the last person you want to see right now, but ... but... I'm sorry. For everything. I know it's not good enough, but I am... I'm so sorry." She almost broke down, but Tom's hand on hers stopped her tears from flowing, and instead forced her head to look up at his.
"B'Elanna, it's okay. Really. It was stupid of me to think that I could of competed with Harry. I mean, we both thought he was dead, but I shouldn't have rushed you." Seeing B'Elanna so close on the verge of tears, Tom suddenly felt calm and collected. He realized that he had to be big about this, no matter how much it hurt him. Because it was B'Elanna that had the dark circles around her eyes, and the haggard face, not him.
"No, I ... I shouldn't have accepted. It was only using you, and... and I looked back, and I think, how the hell could I have even done that? To, me, to you, to Harry?"
"B'Elanna." Paris' voice was filled with gentle concern. "You're not feeling guilty, are you? B'Elanna, we didn't do anything wrong. Okay? Nothing that can't be fixed. And Harry doesn't blame you, hell he doesn't even blame me for moving in on his wife-"
"That's right, he doesn't." Torres broke in, tears welling in her eyes, as she suddenly began voicing her doubts to the man who had become her confidante. "He doesn't blame me, why? I mean, if he forgives me, why the hell do I feel so guilty, when I see him? I mean, he was watching us Tom! And he just brushed it off. That's how much he loves me... and... I ... oh, god, I love him so much, and it scares me. Because when I lost him, I almost died too.... and I don't think I could go through that again-"
"B'Elanna, what your scared? What? You don't think you deserve him? Listen to yourself, Lanna, you've never been a scaredy cat. You were never scared of anything. Not ever. B'Elanna don't let this destroy you. You love him, B'Elanna, I see it in your eyes. I see it in the way look at him, the way you don't look at me. This is it for you, and you know it. And B'Elanna, you more than deserve any man. But don't be scared...That's not like you." He raised a slow hand and carressed her tearstreaked face gently. "If you don't give in to this, you're gonna live your life like a zombie. And letting go's the only way your gonna get through this! Come on, take a chance. Take it. Because I'm not going to be able to take this beautiful face suffering so much, not when the happiness she's so desperatly seeking is right in her face. Take it. Take it, Lanna." his last words ended in a whisper, and B'Elanna reached in and hugged him feircely.
"Thank you," she whispered softly. "Thank you so much." He smiled through his tight face, and slowly brought her up and led her to the doorway. If he held her any longer he'd give in to the temptation he had been battling since she had walked through the door. And dammit, he'd be a friend, he would be.
The door swished open, and he gently pushed her out.
"Go find him. Tell him." She smiled, and hugged him once more, kissing him on the cheek quickly, before walking down the hallway. Tom stared after her silently, then slid his hands back into the pocket of his robe and walked back inside.
Neither of them noticed Harry Kim standing thunderstruck, watching them not ten feet away.
Jealousy coursed through Harry's vein's as he worked, and anger filled his heart, causing him to seethe. It ran so rampant on his face, that Seven of Nine twice asked him bluntly if anything was wrong, to which he very rudely told her to mind her own business. She did, not because Harry intimidated her, but because experience had taught to let Harry's temper tantrums work themselves out, and this one seemed especially bad. So she worked silently at his side, minding nothing but the work.
Harry on the other had, couldn't concentrate on anything but the scene he had witnessed on his way over to the cargo bay. Tom Paris, that damn pilot, and his wife, kissing and hugging in the doorway of his apartment, in his robe. His anger blinded him to nothing but the notion that he had been a fool. B'Elanna didn't love him, she was in love with Tom, had always been in love with him, and for all he knew had been carrying on this affair even before his death. Betrayel fill his senses, and hurt and anger filled him with such emotion he was shaking. His wife, the woman he worshiped, the woman he loved, the woman he-
"Harry, can I talk to you?" He snapped around. The woman standing in front of him. "Alone?"
For once, Seven of Nine seemed to take the hint, and without a word, gathered her tools and walked out of the cargobay, leaving him with his wife. Harry stared at her silently. So, here she was, to tell him, like Tom told her. Hurt and dread at the words she would tell him broke his heart, and he forced himself to freeze any emotion inside of him.
"What?" his voice was curt, and B'Elanna was taken back by the meanness in his tone. In their earlier encounters, he had at least been civil. She took a deep breath anyways, determinded to get out her words, no matter how hard it was.
"There's something I want to tell you." she began shakily. She trailed off when she saw Harry's face go hard.
"There's no need. I already know." he said harshly, turning his back to her.
"Know what?"
"That my wife is a whore." He turned around, staring at her accusingly. The words stung her face like a slap, and had Harry not been through all that he had, he would have taken that back immediatly, or never had said them, but everyone has a mean streak inside of them, and there's a hidden truth, that we hurt those that we love the most. And Harry Kim was hurting, hurting badly, and not understanding at all. He felt used, beaten, and bruised, and the woman who had his heart in her hands had just crushed him, and dammit all if he wasn't going to hurt her too.
"What?" her voice was small, stunned.
"You heard me. So you don't have to tell me. I already know.But thank you." He stepped right up to her, until his face was mere inches from hers.
B'Elanna's breast was heaving. Never, in all her years with Harry, had he ever degraded her, had ever deliberatly hurt her. Her eyes filled with tears, and she shook with unspoken anger and hurt. And then he added more to the pain. He reached over and grabbed her, kissing her so harshly that it hurt. With a move as quick as lightening, she slapped him solidly, the force in the gesture causing him to stumble back.
"You asshole." she whispered, and then turned and left the cargo bay running. Harry Kim felt his heart break when she saw her leave, but he forced himself to harden his heart and continue to work. He still loved her, he would always adore her, but she would never know that. But even then, he felt the sting of her hand imprinted on his cheek the pressure of her lips on his, and the arrow setting a bleeding in his heart.
"Mommy?" Annika looked scared, her mother was rolled up on the bed, shaking, and little Annika had no idea what to do. Her class with Samantha Wildman, Neelix's widow, had ended early, and she had come home, hoping to convince her mother to go with her and her father for a picnic. She wanted to surprise the both of them. But here was her mother, her eyes wide and unseeing, rolled up on her bed. Annika crept up on the bed, and shook her mother solidly, desperatly.
"Mom?" Annika was near tears now, she shook harder. Finally B'Elanna looked up to see her daughter gazing down at her with concern. "Mom!"
B'Elanna swallowed her tears. "Hi, honey... you're early."
"Mom, are you okay?"
"Sure, honey, I'm fine." B'Elanna forced a smile for her daughter's benefit, and then kissed her forehead softly, holding her to her in a vicious hug, before letting her go. "Don't you have a meeting with your father later on?"
Annika was unsure what to do. Her mother was lying to her, she knew that. And her mother never, ever lied to her. This revelation was painful for Annika to meet. Her mother was not fine... her mother was hurting.
"Mom?" she almost whimpered the word.
" I'm, fine, hon. Really I am." B'Elanna whispered, wiping her tears away, forcing herself to breathe.
"You're going to be late, you know."
"Mommy, come with me."
"Oh, I don't think so." B'Elanna said, and something in her voice, a hardness that wasn't there before made Annika looked at her searchingly.
"Please?"
"No, honey, this is you and your dad's, special time. No mommy's allowed." She answered firmly. "Now give me a hug and a kiss and go meet him, he's probably waiting for you." she commented.
Annika complied, giving her mother a fierce hug and a loving kiss, before crawling off the bed and out the door. Dad would know what to do.
B'Elanna sat on the bed, wiping her damp hair from her forehead as she forced herself to take a long breath, until she heard the doors close. Annika was going to meet her father... Harry. She focused on the mask of rage that he had on his face, the look of hate that was in his eyes when he looked at her that morning. And then she allowed herself to resume sobbing.
Annika was walking trepidly down the hallway when she ran into Tom Paris walking the other direction. Upon seeing her, his face broke into a smile and he swung her up to give her a hug.
"Hey! How's my girl!" Despite her promise to remain civil to Tom, Annika was stiff.
"I'm NOT your girl." she informed him crisply. Tom stared at her, his face frozen, and then he broke into a smile.
"Well, alright then. You're not my girl, what are you then?" He said, in a mock stern tone. Annika attempted to remain mad at him, but couldn't resist the urge to smile when he tickled her.
"I can be your girl for a little while." she relented.
"Well, now, that's more like it!" Tom said, a smile on his face. "I was just going to see you and your mom! She home?" At the look on Annika's face, Tom frowned. "No, just friends, like, Annika." he said quickly, and she smiled.
"Okay, I believe you. She's at home."
"Do I have your permission to see her?"
"Long as you don't kiss her." Annika told him bluntly, and Tom laughed.
"I promise. Can I kiss you?" She nodded, and Tom pecked her cheek.
"Okay, you spitfire, see you later." he added, putting her down, smiling as she skipped away.
*******************
"Hey! Look who it is!" Harry smiled widely as his daughter skipped into the holodeck.
"Hi Daddy!" She hugged him tightly.
"Look what I've got set up for us! A picnic!" Annika smiled at the basket and the red checkered blanket as she settled down with her father.
After a couple of munches, she looked up.
"Dad?"
"Yeah, hon?"
"Something's wrong with Mom." Harry froze, and looked up at his daughter.
"What do you mean?" he asked quickly.
"I think she was crying. She looked sad." Harry couldn't look at his daughter as he fiddled with his bowl.
"Oh?" he said nonchalantly.
"Do you think you could go talk to her, do something?" Annika pressed.
"Oh, honey, I think I've done enough." the words escaped Harry before he could stop them, and he shut his mouth promptly. "I'll try." he said afterwards. Doubts began to enter his mind. Maybe he had jumped to conclusions. The picture of B'Elanna crying over something he said didn't sit well in his stomach.
"I ran into Uncle Tom on his way over. Maybe he'll help."
Harry's stomach suddenly twisted. Tom had gone to see B'Elanna. Something tore at Harry's heart. Maybe he hadn't jumped to conclusions.
"Well, why don't we let him take care of it." he bit. His daughter looked hurt at his curt manner, and he smiled to soften the words.
"I'm sure she'll be fine." he said quickly. Her and her lover. The words made him sick to his stomach, and he had to stop himself from completly shaking with anger.
****************************************
One hour later, he was shaking alright, but from himself.
"What the hell did you do to her?" Tom had Harry against the wall, shaking him solidly. "What the hell did you do?" Harry hadn't expected Tom to come assault him when he opened the doors to his quarters, but upon seeing his wife's lover he shook with contempt.
"What did I do to her?" he hissed back. He flipped Tom's arms away and pushed him back. "What did I do to her?"
Tom didn't push for a fight, he merely stood a few feet away. He had gone to visit B'Elanna, expecting to hear of a tearful happy reunion, and instead found her sobbing in her room. As he gazed on his former best friend in anger, he suddenly realized that his eyes were filled with the same thing that was in B'Elanna's eyes. Rage.. hurt.. betrayal.
"You don't even know why she went to see you, do you?" he asked directly.
"I dont' want to know, Tom, so get the hell out." The anger and yes, there it was, the hate directed at Tom was suddenly a light in the darkness. Dammit, Harry was a fool.
"What, me? Dammit, Harry I thought we went over that! There's nothing going on between me and B'Elanna! Not now, not ever!" Confusion nettled the dark haired man's brow .
"What do you mean?"
Anger at the ways things were proceeding made Tom seethe. Why was it that he was only person on the damn ship that knew what was going on, and he was the only one that was alone? Everyone else was either hurting someone or being hurt, and dammit, it was infuriating that Harry was in on the loop too.
"God, Harry you are such an asshole, you know that?" he hissed, determinded to make his friend see what a jerk he was being. "Do you know why your wife was going to see you? Do you? Did that small mind of yours even fathom the possibility that she was coming to tell you that she loved you and wanted you back?"
The words hit Harry like a slap on the face, and his face suddenly filled with self contempt and bitterness. Suddenly the pieces began to fall together, and Harry Kim wanted to die. The words, those horrying words that bit like a whip that he had told her.... he sunk to the floor. He couldn't believe it. He had deliberatly cut down the woman he loved, he had called the one thing he knew she was afraid of being called, he had hurt her the worst way he knew how. And she had been coming to tell him she loved him. Harry, you really are a bastard.
Tom watched the hurt and anguish fill his younger friend's eyes, and slowly shook his head. He must had truly hurt B'Elanna, and he knew it, and the look in his eyes... that's when Tom knew that he loved B'Elanna more than he ever could. Because right now, Tom knew that Harry truly wanted to die for the biting words he told his wife.
"Harry..." Tom sighed. He had no comforting words for his friend, who sat on the floor , tears forming. He wanted this. He wanted Harry to hurt badly. He wanted Harry to taste a little bit of what B'Elanna was going through, of what Tom himself had experienced. "Go talk to her." With that he turned his back and left the room. He had been the bigger man long enough.
Harry lay in a pile on the floor, holding his head with his hands. Suddenly, he jerked up, and stumbled out of his room. He had to see her.... he had to explain... he had to tell her .... he didn't mean it... he didn't. Suddenly his breath started heaving, and he began to sweat. He ran blindly through the corridor, oblivious to the crewman who stood and watched him pass incredoulously. He didn't stop until he reached his old quarters, and punching in the security override, ran inside. His heart was beating rapidly as he searched the room, and finally spotted her, huddled on the couch, looking up in surprise, and then hurt and anger.
Harry could hardly breathe, but he dropped to his knees in front of her and looked up at her beseechingly.
He gasped for breath, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it." B'Elanna stayed a few feet away from him, watching the torture that ran rampant in her husbands face, the self inflicting hurt and anguish in his face. It was a mirror of her own. But he had hurt her, he had hurt her so much..
He licked his lips as he saw his wife battling for her emotions, and he suddenly felt light headed. "I'm so sorry. I love-" he trailed off, fighting for breath. "I love ..." He couldn't finish, he lost the battle for his breath, and fell back as the world went dark.
"Harry!" the words tore themselves from B'Elanna's throat, as she rushed to the figure who lay unconscious before her. She threw herself beside him and felt blindly for his pulse. "It's okay, I love you, I loveyou." she whispered in his ear quickly.
"Daddy!" Annika rushed from her room and flung herself on her father. "Daddy!" her voice was filled with tears as she desperatly began to shake her father's still form.
Torres tapped her commbadge with shaking fingers. "Torres to sickbay. I have an emergency."
B'Elanna sat silently next to her husband's still form. How many times had she sat like this, lately. How many times had she worried over this man? How many times had she felt this pain run through her?
She glanced quickly at Annika, who was curled up on the next biobed, sound asleep. When did life get so complicated? What had happened to those happy years that now seemed nothing more that a dream? Half of what Annika had experience, B'Elanna had hoped she would have never had to seen. She tore her gaze from her daughter and back to Harry. His eyes were closed, and he was barely breathing. But he was breathing, and that was all that mattered. She recalled the doctor's words.
"He had a breakdown. Nothing serious. Just a little too much stress a little too soon." The doctor's voice was purposely calm as he sat in his office, with B'Elanna.
"So? He'll be okay?"
The doctor smiled supportively. "He'll be fine."
Those three words were all it took to erase the lines of worry from the young wife and mother's face. She looked out the window of the office to sickbay, where her daughter was standing next to her father's still form, holding his hand tightly.
He would be fine. That was all that mattered. She smiled grimly, and ran a cool hand gently over his forehead.
An affair with Tom.... that's what he thought. She shook her head slightly. And so he had hurt her, because she had hurt him in what he thought the worst way possible. They had betrayed each other because they couldn't believe the other still loved. A tear fell from B'Elanna's eyes.
"I do love you, Starfleet." she whispered softly, pressing her lips gently against his forehead. "Even if you can be a jerk. Now we just wait and see what happens." The door opened and the doctor and Seven of Nine walked in, discussing something adimantly. B'Elanna straightened up to see them look at her oddly.
"Lt., perhaps you can settle an arguement." Seven said, glancing at Harry.
B'Elanna wondered what they could possibly be arguing about.
"Sure, what is it?"
"For whom does Annika have the most affection?"
B'Elanna's eyes widened. Were they joking with her? No, she realized, they were dead serious, each looking at her with the same earnest expression. B'Elanna hid a smile and glanced at Harry.
Hey, Starfleet, if you could only see these. Me and you would have cracked up about it later.
"Um, I think you'll have to ask her, later." she said quickly.
************
"Well, B'Elanna. I think he's ready. As a matter of fact, he's can be woken up any time. He's still weak, but he's healthy. His progress has been remarkable."
The doctor motioned for B'Elanna to get up , and filling a hyperspray quickly and efficiently, moved out of the office and over to the sleeping Harry Kim.
A small hiss was heard, and slowly, the young man's eyes fluttered open.
"Welcome back, Mr. Kim. I do suggest you stop breaking down on us. Our hearts, well those of us who have them, can only take so much." Harry blinked groggilly for a second, before he focused on his wife and daughter. His eyes widened into a great big smile.
"It's my two favorite girls." he whispered, and Annika's giggled with happiness.
"Daddy, will you stop doing that?" she said sternly, before placing a well earned peck on his cheek. He grinned and squeezed her tightly.
"Doctor, why don't you show Annika the new plants your working on?" B'Elanna pointedly asked. When Annika was going to protest, one look from her mother was all it took for her to obey and take the doctor's hand and follow him to the office.
Now that they were in privacy, B'Elanna didn't know what to say. She had been so worried, and now that she knew he was going to be okay, her head was clear, she could think, but she didn't know what she was going to say.
"B'Elanna..." Harry spoke first, grabbing his wife's hand. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Harry." she said, removing her hand from his. "Really." she insisted when she saw the hurt look in his eyes. "In a way , I'm glad it happened. Something tells me you needed to say that. And in some weird twisted sort of way, I needed to hear it, even if I know you'd never mean it." her voice was level, so level, it surprised even her, and suddenly the words came flying out. "For Annika's sake, I want you to move back in with us. It doesn't mean everything can be back to normal, right away Harry. In fact, you're couch boy. We need a new deal, Harry. You move in, but you and I are strictly platonic for now. Let's get comfortable with each other, with Annika, before anything. Do we have a deal?"
Harry stared up at his wife, so calm now, so unlike herself. Have we all changed so much? He thought to himself. Would I have, eight years ago, ever called my wife a whore? What happened to us? To me? He glanced up at B'Elanna and smiled. There was one comfort. One thing that didn't change, would never change. He still loved her. So much... even more, if that was possible. And he would make this work... no matter how hard it was, he would make it work. He would win his wife back again. His licked his lips and looked up, his face suddenly proffesional.
"Alright, B'Elanna. It's a deal."