~*~

It's almost surreal when you think about. I sit here, blinking my eyes, and closing them and opening them again, and I still can't shake the image out of my head.

Aphrodite is an idiot. And I don't care if she can read my thoughts. She IS. Only SHE could have done this to us. TO ME.

We have a very set group dynamic that never changes. And I LIKE it, because everything else changes and that's the only thing that stays the same. When Joxer's around, he's in love with ME. He's in love with me, and I act like I don't care, and Xena and I are best friends, and closer than sisters and all that, and the three of us go marching across the country defending the meek and protecting people from Gods and all that, and everything changes but that.

It's my shell, my bubble.

And Aphrodite, in yet another one of her blunders just went and threw that out the window by screwing up a spell that was supposed to make Joxer fall out of love with me, and.... well that KINDA worked, but... now he's in love with Xena.

It's disgusting. He makes these moony eyes at her, and his face is all shining and radiant, and he doesn't even LOOK at me with that light in his eyes anymore. It's all for Xena.

Now, I know that look you're giving me, and NO, I'm not saying I'm... anywhere NEAR jealous! It's a relief, really. And I'm not saying that I miss that look, even if it WAS kinda nice. I'm just saying that having to watch Joxer making moony eyes at Xena isn't my idea of a good time.

Especially when he does it with so much... energy.

It was kinda nice at first. We didn't notice. Aphrodite just disappeared in a poof, Joxer blinked, and we just kinda stared at him for a while.

Xena leant forward, squeezed his shoulder, and said in her typical husky sexylike voice, "You okay, Joxer?"

And he turned to her, and blinked, and then he just got all silent, and he responded in this voice that seemed almost surprised, and deep, "I'm fine, Xena. Thank you."

That was it.

I should have known something was up then, I mean he didn't even look at me, but I was so busy trying to figure out why I wasn't jumping for joy that the spell was lifted that it didn't hit me until Joxer brought her flowers.

It was kinda sweet at first. I mean, he just came forward while we were at camp and just gave them to her with this sweet smile, and went, "Here, Xena. I thought you might like 'em. I know you're not a flower type of person, but... every woman deserves flowers, and no one more than you."

Now, Xena simply does not GET flowers. She hates flowers. But she gave Joxer this surprised glance and met his eyes, and like, just thanked them before CAREFULLY putting them into her pack.

Then he looked at me, and I thought maybe I was going to get flowers too, but he merely shrugged, gave me his goofy Joxer grin and looked at Xena again, and then took Eve and held her, and was actually not obnoxious and not in the way, and he didn't even come NEAR me all night.

Now, see, Joxer does this thing for me at night, that I kinda have come to really like. NO NOT THAT, you PERVERT. Something else. He kinda... okay, well he reads my scrolls to me. It helps both of us. Him with his reading and me with my... well I get another look at how my stories sound out loud, and it's nice, to hear his voice when it's not all tilty and whiny.

But did he do that last night? No. He was too busy putting Eve to sleep and talking to Xena, and you know? I don't think Xena even NOTICED how different he was acting.

So I told her the next morning.

"Xena, I think Joxer's acting weird."

She was busy, Joxer had gone down to the stream to clean Argo, and she was feeding the baby. She barely gave me a glance as she spoke. "What are you talking about?"

"How can you not see it?"

She raised an eyebrow, and turned the baby who giggled and cooed, and said nothing.

My eyes widened, and I felt my blood boil just a little in frustration and I continued. "The FLOWERS! The ... the... way he's STARING at your BUTT?! The fact that-"

"-he's no longer following you around like a lost puppy?" she interrupted.

I HATE when she does that. Says something and something in my stomach just sinks and I find myself standing there with my mouth open like an idiot with nothing coming out of it.

"That... that's... that's NOT THE POINT."

"Good," she responded coolly. "Because isn't this what you wanted? Joxer cut loose?"

"That's the thing. He isn't cut LOOSE. He's just... YOUR lost puppy!"

She was quiet for a moment, and then suddenly she grinned, so amused as she finally got what I'd been trying to tell her.

I could have killed her then.

"Are you saying that Joxer's in love with ME?!" she said incredulously. And she actually laughed, chuckled her oh-so-superior Xena laugh, and shook her head at the thought.

"How is that so impossible?"

"I just... I don't know, Gabrielle.... it's just...it's ME. And it's JOXER."

"Xena!" Our heads jerked to the woods where the dork in question came running back with Argo in toe. "See? All clean! And umm.. here. For you!" And he thrust the flowers at her and his face was radiant and his eyes were bright, and he almost knocked me over to get to her, and I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM.

But he wouldn't have cared, cause all he cared about was Xena.

Xena, of course, was stock still, and I think the expression on her face was complete and utter horror.

She looked at the flowers like they had rabies on them, and suddenly this all seemed quite funny to me.

"Uhmm.. thank you Joxer. And good job with Argo." He smiled, looking like he had just conquered Hades itself, and then she paused, and said in this no nonsense voice, "Stop being in love with me before I smack you."

And he got all red, this beet red color and he looked a little embarrassed, but apparently not that embarrassed because he gave her this smile that was almost charming and said, "I'll try."

And she paused, and turned, and then her face got this soft look and she answered, "Good, Joxer. Now come help me with this."

Can you believe it?

NO. I'm NOT jealous! I'm just saying that it's annoying, okay? Because it's gone on like this for... days at least, and Xena hasn't done a THING to make him snap out of it! Isn't that her duty! To restore things to their natural order? I mean, Joxer's not REALLY in love with her, he's in love with me, and umm... okay, shut up. So maybe I DID kinda like the fact that he was in love with me. It's nice to be loved, you know? And Joxer, well... he's a nice person to love you. Cause he doesn't just love you, he adores you.

And he still annoys me and he still annoys Xena, but apparently his loving Xena annoys her a whole lot less than his loving me annoyed me. She actually... TAKES it from him. She more than takes it. She kinda gives it back!

I've seen them together, and it's just wrong, I tell you. Plain wrong, for her to be leading him on the way she does. She talks to him all nice, brusque Xena way, of course, always like that, but she really listens to him, and they have these conversations where he's suddenly not the dorky insecure clutz I know. I mean, Joxer loving Xena has changed him.

And I keep wondering why.

It's not making me any easier to live with, I know that. I mean, day, after day, after day of having to watch Joxer bring Xena flowers -- she finally got him out of that, by the way. She told him once that if he kills anymore flowers because he thinks she deserves them she'll crack something of his because she thinks he would deserve it, and that killed it -- and watching the way he LOOKS at her, and I think the scariest thing is...

Xena doesn't mind. In fact I ... think she kinda likes it.

It was bothering me so much that one night I finally called her on it. Joxer was asleep, and of course not on MY side, on HER side, which pisses me off cause I got used to having him there beside me, because the big galoot is actually warm and now I'm kinda cold, and she's warm, and she doesn't NEED any more-

Okay, I'm a little upset about it.

So I called her on it.

"Xena," I said, just low enough so it wouldn't wake up Joxer. "What's going on?"

"Hmm?"
 

"Xena! About Joxer! When are you going to get the spell cut."

"When we find Aphrodite," came the sleepy murmur.

Aphrodite's all but disappeared, and it seems like the only one that's worried about it really is me.  Joxer could care less, and Xena doesn't seem to be in that much of a hurry to find her either.

"Well you don't seem in much of a hurry to find her," I mumbled, turning onto my back and looking up at the sky. Out of the corner of my vision, I could see her open on eyes, and roll it, before turning towards me.

"Oh, for Zues's sake, Gabrielle!"

"What?"

"We haven't been BY a temple in ages, and it's not like we've had time to take the detour and look one up!"

I shut my mouth and glared at her, but I couldn't say one damn word, because she's kinda right. We have been a bit... busy, but STILL.

"And besides, Joxer's loving me isn't hurting anyone," she added. "Least of all him."

"Now that's THAT supposed to mean?!"

"Gabrielle can we please have this conversation tomorrow?"

"NO!"

"Huh... what!" A figure jolted up on the other side of Xena, pretty darn CLOSE to Xena, and I narrowed my eyes as Joxer blinked sleepily, hands shooting out. "What! What's going on!"

Xena glared at me, and I glared right back as she turned, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. "It's all right, Joxer. Just go to sleep."

He blinked again, and looked at her, and my stomach revolted as the sweet, sincere look came on his face again, and his face was so full of trust as he said, "Okay, Xena. Night."

"Good night Joxer."

"I love you."

"I know, Joxer."

DAMMIT. I muffled another curse and grabbed my leather pack and molded it around my ears.

I was going nuts. This was nuts.

Joxer in love with XENA?! Xena LIKING that fact?!

You know that feeling you get when you kinda realize you kinda liked something and didn't realize it until it was gone?

It's an ache in your heart and in your stomach and it makes you kinda sad and bad tempered, and NO I'M NOT JEALOUS.

Maybe, paranoid. That could be it. All those little glances that Joxer gives her, and that she's started to ...

NO. This is insane.

First OFF, Xena would never fall for JOXER. I mean... he's JOXER. I mean, the simple fact that it's JOXER should ward that way from my thoughts.

But... Meg had fallen for Joxer. And Lila had fallen for Joxer. And that girl from the Amazon tribe... and that girl from Melodia..

Okay so far the only person who HASN'T really HAD a thing for Joxer that I know of is me...

And even I well.. the occasional dream doesn't mean anything does it?

Of course not! We all have dreams.

So ... right... Insane.

OH GOD.

I didn't realize she had never let go of his hand until I woke up right before dawn, seeing the light fluttering the camp, Xena and Joxer still asleep and caught her fingers stretched out, entangled with his.

The sight sent me reeling, and I suddenly felt my knees give out, and I landed with a thump on the trunk.

Oh my... BY THE GODS.

"Scary sight, isn't it?"

The voice made me jump, and my head twisted as I turned to see Aphrodite sitting next to me, one eyebrow raised.

My heart thumped, and I turned, grabbing her so hard she almost winced, my eyes pleading, wet. "You have to fix this. Put things BACK. You screwed up!"

"Who says I screwed up?" she answered matter-of-factly. "Sweetie-kins, I never screw up."

"You... you..."

"Just put a little bit of dust on Joxer to make him fall for Xena? Uh huh. What's the big deal, anyway?" she mumbled, disentangling herself from my reaching hands. "Didn't you WANT Joxer out of love with you?"

"NO! I mean, yes! But.. but.. NOT like this!"

"Not like what?" she asked innocently.

"Like that!" I said, waving my hand to the pair on the pelts. "That's ... that's... not... it's... "

"Yes?"

"NOT RIGHT."

"Sweetie, CHILL. First off, Xena is never going to fall for Joxer when she knows that deep down he's under a spell." I raised an eyebrow, as she looked studiously at them. "But you gotta admit... it's kinda cute. She treats him better than anyone... I don't see why not!"

"DON't EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"

"Oh why not?  I mean honestly, if you don't want him-"

"But I MIGHT."

"You might?" she repeated, rolling her eyes. "Sweetums, this is NOT a game of maybes. They like each other, and you have to know, if it wasn't you... it would have been Xena."

That made me stop. Made me stop and look at the pair on the floor.

"He's better for her than anyone, really. Would love her for who she is, always supporting her, being there for her, I mean you should see them when they're not around you! He's warm, funny.. she treats him like a human being."

I swallowed, my heart suddenly constricted.

"Why couldn't someone like Xena love someone like Joxer?"

There was nothing I could say to that. Why not?

I knew why not. Because I was a selfish... because I wanted them... both. I wanted Joxer in love with me, and Xena to be with me.

And losing either of them to each other was like... like cutting a peace of me out.

"Please," I whispered. "I... I think I love him."

There was silence, and a sigh, and suddenly She put her hand on my shoulder, squeezing. "The spells off when he wakes up. But I gotta warn you, toots. I only puffed up a bit of what was already there."

There was silence after she left, and I felt as tall as a newt.

I don't think I moved until I saw the bodies stirring under the pelts. When Xena looked up and found me staring at their hands, her face colored a bit and she moved away, and Joxer stood, rubbing at his head, oblivious to anything. His face swiveled toward mine, and I just smiled softly.

"Morning."

"I feel weird," he announced.

"The spells off," I responded softly. "Aphrodite came by last night and told me."

"Oh." Joxer licked his lips, and then looked at Xena who was looking back at him. And he smiled gently. "I umm... I'm kinda sad to ... have it end. It was... it was nice being in love with you."

"It was nice having you in love with me, Joxer," she said, her voice soft, husky. He grinned, this beautiful, gentle grin, and they clasped hands, looking at each other, until I coughed.

Joxer swallowed, and then came toward me, kneeling down next to me, and I felt my heart thump at the look in his eyes.

"Heya, Gabs. Want some breakfast? I can... get some maybe..."

Before I knew what I was doing, I grabbed his hand and squeezed. "That would be nice, Joxer. Thanks."

He smiled, blushing, so the tips of his ears got a little pale and then he glanced at Xena, and she smiled too and he walked away into the woods.

She was quiet then, and I found myself asking, "You okay?"

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" she answered a little too quickly. I swallowed, just watching. "I mean, it's a relief to..." and she paused, and looked at me, and suddenly her voice changed tones. "You're damn lucky, Gabrielle. Make sure you know it."

She turned, leaving me alone, and I just kinda sat there, waiting for Joxer to come back, knowing now that things... things were getting frightening.

There ... there had to be something there... between them... and Joxer still loved me, but eventually he might move on, and Aphrodite said that if it wasn't me it would have been...

Xena.

Oh Gods.

I need to make a choice, and either way, I have to live with the consequences, I know that now.

But damn! How can you make a choice when it's... when it's us?

And I'm still sitting here, trying to get that image out of my head and trying to make a choice.

I have a feeling I'll be sitting here for a very long time.

FIN