Notes:
Special thanks for the AngstGrrls and their support, specially Elizabeth, Kate, Shaz and Bree. You guys rock.

~*~

You will fly and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
No such thing as you lost it all
God knows even angels fall

~*~

If she heard one more person ask her how she was, if she caught one more glimpse of sorrow or pity, she swore she was going to scream, kill, or something equally disturbing and disconcerting.
 
With a muttered curse and a sigh, Rogue tossed her bag roughly onto the ground, falling back and crossing her legs on the leaf covered grass, letting her breath out in one long torrent as she looked up at the clear blue sky.

It was getting ridiculous. Outright ridiculous. Five years had passed since she had seen Logan, and granted, she appreciated his friendship. And yes, back then, when she didn't know better, and had been scared and helpless and alone, she might have garnered a crush, because HELL, he was older and mysterious and GORGEOUS and sweet, and had ONLY saved her life.  She would have been seriously questioning her sanity if she hadn't wanted him back then.

But it had been FIVE YEARS.

A lot had happened in five years. And truth be told... she had all but forgotten he was even coming back until the day he slid into the driveway on the old bike that had been Scott's and looked up and smiled at her, and NO her heart did NOT go thump, and she hugged him and smiled and treated him like a long lost friend who had come home, because that's what he was.

He wasn't her long lost lover. She was NOT fantasizing about dating him, she had NO qualms about the tags, which were a nice keepsake, one that she gave back, and that he told her to keep anyway,  which went right back in the little box where her old scarf and green trenchcoat were stuffed, and dammit, she was NOT in love with Logan.

Not even close.

A haggard sigh slipped from her yet again, looking at the solitude of the forest, thankful for the haven of privacy.
 
Everything was seen through colored lenses at school, no one really bothered to see the truth, and to be honest, Rogue was almost glad. She didn't know what was really worse : the truth or what they saw. Because everyone saw Jean and Scott break up weeks before... everyone assumed that it had been because of Logan, and naturally everyone thought their suspicioons were confirmed when Jean began spending more and more time with Logan and fearless leader Scott (Poor Scott, it was usually) being more stoic and haggard than ever. And of course, everyone thought that the reason "Poor Rogue" (yep, she had the name too) was downtrodden and quiet, and even a little bit sad was because of her unrequieted love for Logan, because he had returned to Jean, where he belonged.

People were damn stupid.

~*~
You found hope, you found faith
Found how fast she could take it away
Found true love, Lost your heart
Now you don't know who you are

She made it easy, Made it free
Made you hurt till you couldn't see
Sometimes it stops, Sometimes it flows
But baby, that is how love goes

~*~

The sound of the leaves crunching behind her made her heart jump, and when she turned, her eyes fell upon a handsome man with red lenses.

"Hey."

And she swallowed, felt her heart skip a beat and her palms sweat, and she could only smile tightly. "Hey."

Scott Summers looked hesitant, his face almost tender as he came forward slowly, hands in his pockets, hair combed back neatly, a small growth of hair on his cheeks and chin from not shaving since the morning. He was a beautiful man, and Rogue found herself looking away, keeping her hands in her lap.

"I thought I might find you out here."

She found herself smiling grimly, voice morose. "Well I could only take the saga of Logan, Jean, Scott and Rogue for so long," she answered dryly, raising an eyebrow in a secret admission of morose mirth about the whole thing.

He smiled, a gesture of understanding, as he lowered himself down next to her. The heat of his body was only inches away, and at the warmth, she felt her heart tremble without preamble, and her body shudder, the smile falling from her face as she turned to look at him.

"Scott... what are you doin' here?" she asked seriously, looking into the red lenses with a carefully closed expresion, her voice husky with bottled emotion. "I thought we had talked and-"

"Agreed to stay away, yeah I know," he answered, his voice low, his body immobile as he looked toward the trees, his chiseled profile perfectly framed by the setting sun. Fidgeting hands pulled at the grass at their legs, and he tored the small green leaves apart thoughtfully, eyes fixed on them and not her. "But... I wanted to see how you were. We haven't really ... talked... since this whole Logan and Jean thing-"

A groan cut him off, and he paused. "Good God, Scott you too?!" A startled expression flitted over his strong features as she suddenly rose, her face flushed emotion as she turned to vew him. "Dammit, Ah swear if Ah hear ONE MORE PERSON ask me how the hell I am because Logan and Jean are fucking I'm going to- what are you smiling at?" she found herself suddenly asking as he only smiled merrily up at her, looking more amused than the fearful he was supposed to look.
 

"You. You look beautiful when you get angry," he rose to his feet, smirk widening into a grin at the sparkling wide eyes, reaching out and with a tender movement, wiped her hair from her forehead. "Your cheeks get red, and your eyes just start... shining."

Good God, the way the man said things.

It took a breath inwards and a swallow to keep her composure as she found herself staring into the lenses that hid his eyes, felt her heart skip slightly as the smoldering glance made her jerk her head, her eyes water as her body turned away from him.

This was the truth. The damning truth. This was what no one knew.

It wasn't Logan that broke Scott and Jean up.

It was her.

Somewhere in the last year or so... Rogue had become the other woman.

Because she had fallen for Scott.... and by some miraculous move... Scott had fallen for her.

He had told her not to blame herself. There had been trouble in paradise long before this. As Rogue had grown, as Scott had become a close friend, and as Jean had delved deeper and deeper into the quest to channel the strength of her powers, it had become apparent that the closeness that had existed between Scott and Jean was no longer there.

Up until that point she had been an outsider, unsure how it happened,  not wanting to believe it, seeing as the others did, mind a flutter with possibilities. She really didn't want to believe it, because Scott and Jean were so token as a couple, so stable that even Storm didn't dare mention the trouble for fear it would make it more real.

But as Jean grew in her powers, she changed. She was no less a friend, and no less a guardian, but she had become less Jean and more... something else. Something like Charles. A person like that, with that type of power... it was hard to talk to someone like that. It was intimidating... and when a person you fall in love with changes like that, and you don't...

Things change.

The love changed.

~*~
It's a secret no one tells
One day it's heaven
One day it's hell
It's no fairy tale
Take it from me
That's the way it's supposed to be

~*~

It was about this time that Scott began to confide in her. About this time that Scott had become less a leader and more a friend, at least in private. The two were close, admittedly, got along easily, and it seemed a naturally progression to spend more time with each other.  Scott was her mentor, her counselor and her guide. He taught her to fight, he taught her how to ride a bike, and how to fix it. He confided her, and they developed a relationship, a close friendship because they had a lot in common. Sleepless nights were spent in each other's company as he helped her prepare for her entrance exams, and being a young woman with EYES, she was no stranger to the fact that Cyclops was a very attractive man.

But Rogue herself wasn't an idiot. She knew there was a difference between fantasies and reality, she knew the difference between desire and love. The reality to Rogue, was that Scott was in love with Jean, would always be in love with Jean, and to her, he was a very good friend, possibly one of her best friends, and she was perfectly happy to let things remain that way.

She had no idea that on some of those long nights, those days of exams and tests and training when they saw little of anyone else but each other, he had been just as tempted, she had no idea that he had been harboring an attraction, nor did she know if it was because of his withering relationship with Jean or their developing friendship.

She didn't know that Scott had dismissed the attraction as simple attraction, had put aside the thoughts, had thought he had kept them hidden, even as his private relationship with Jean crumbled in a very public arena.

What she did know was that Jean was no longer as friendly, simply courteous and professional, simply JEAN, and that two weeks before Logan came Scott had moved out of their room and into the empty room next doors down from her own.

And it was odd. Because it seemed nothing had changed. Jean and Scott were still friends, still civil. There was no ground breaking break-up, it was all quiet. And Scott and Rogue spent more and more time together, never talking about the break up, all the while Rogue secretly wondering what it was that had forced the move, made the change so drastic.

She later found out the obvious truth, that it was impossible to keep lustful thoughts of someone else to yourself when you were involved with a telepath. Jean had known before he had... Jean had known before Rogue knew...

She had known what would happen, what would evolve between the two of them... what was much more than simple attraction... She had known before they knew it themselves.

She was still trying to figure out how it happened. How one minute a simple tennis game ended with a hug that lasted a little too long, and a glance that suddenly became smoldering.

And the day Logan came in, she had been in Scott's arms, in Scott's bed, glowing from the aftermath of what had possibly been the most incredible, intense union she had ever experienced.

The day in the cafeteria, she had looked at Jean, and suddenly the world tipped sideways, and she had never felt more guilty.

Thing was, Rogue LIKED Jean. She more than liked Jean. She admired Jean, and loved Jean, and to be honest, she had no idea she would end up falling in love with her fiance, and even less an inkling that he would feel the same way back. It was a complete surprise just how much she loved him, cared for the man with the red lenses, and it felt so beautiful.

But she knew what it would look like. This beautiful thing that she shared with the fearless leader would be turned into something sordid by the school chain, and so she had pleaded with the only person who knew that it should remain quiet, and told Scott that they had to stay away from each for, for how long she didn't know.

And then Logan came, and Jean started spending time with him, spending nights with him, and Rogue was actually... happy, hoping something might work out.

Until the stares came and the questions came, and she knew that the assumptions had started, and the snowballs began and it wasn't going to stop... die away.

Until she realized exactly what it would turn into. Poor Rogue and Poor Scott turning to each other for solace and comfort, sleeping with each other to stave off their broken hearts because of Logan and Jean's unbridled passion.

That was the pretense.

The truth was that Rogue couldn't eat because she lay at nights away pining away for the man in the next room, because her stomach was all knots because she had lost Jean's friendship because Jean still kinda liked Scott a whole heck of a lot, and because she was aching for the man with the red lenses.

Because she suddenly couldn't live without him.

And every casual glance, every accidental brush, everytime he spoke her name in a meeting and smiled at her, or even looked at her when no one else was looking, she was dying just a little bit inside.

She missed him. She missed his friendship and his laugh. She missed tracing her gloved fingers down his chiseled arms, and she missed pressing his lips against his hard chest. She missed sitting across from him at dinner and she missed laying at night with her head on his chest, hearing it beating away.

And now here she was, the victim of love alright, but it wasn't unrequieted that was the problem.

The problem was that it was all too mutual.

~*~
You laugh, you cry
No one knows why
Only the thrill of it all
you don't know why
you might as well open your eyes
~*~

She was quiet, arms crossed as she closed her eyes, took a deep breath in. There was a pause, and his arms slipped around her, pulling her against him. The emotion surged within her, and she struggled with her words, suddenly finding her body tense, her mouth dry, and heart beating furiously.

"Scott..." she managed, sighing raggedly as she felt his mouth at the nape of her neck, his fingers sliding over her shirt, fingering the line of skin that lay exposed between the hem and her belt. "We can't..."

"Why?" was his tortured response, muffled, hot breath sliding onto her neck, making her gasp and wriggle against him, felt him harden in response, felt herself swallow.

Her mind was whirling, and Rogue shut her eyes tight, trying so hard to keep her concentration, trying to find the switch that would allow contact, the contact that she had so desperately sought for years and the contact he had helped her find.  The switch was always hard to trigger, and when she was disconcerted, when her body tight against his... it was that much harder.

"SCOTT," she breathed raggedly, hands reaching up to entwine with his, as his free hand slid up her shirt, cupping one breast almost sacredly, kneading it softly, and she groaned softly, bucking against him, her body hot and sweaty and so alive, so damn alive.

"I've missed you," he whispered, and the way he said was so soft and husky and tortured and sincere that she felt her mind surrender, and she jerked around in his arms, her mouth a groan as it surrendered to his.

The click happened a second later, and for the second before that, his thoughts came jumbling into her head, and she felt his arousal, his need and his LOVE, and she whimpered helplessly against the onslaught, his tongue sliding into her mouth, entangling with hers, a groan emerging from his throat, ending in hers.

Beautifully smooth hands, roughened with work on motorcyles and visors, slid up under her shirt, rubbing against the skin of her back, sliding under the bra strap, fumbling helplessly.

Rogue found herself chuckling into his mouth, felt his smirk widen against hers, and she sat up gently, straddling him a bit roughly, never realizing they were even on the ground until now. He grinned up at her, taking one hand, suddenly so very gentle as he lifted the palm to his mouth, teeth suddenly biting one gloved finger so very softly, pulling the gloves off as she pulled her hand back slowly.

She loved seeing this side of him. So happy and carefree, free from the burden of having to act a certain way simply because of who he was, having to be so damn infallible just because he was a leader... just because he had to be when all he really was was a man : a beautiful, masculine man... her lover.

The gloves were pulled off, and he leaned up, hands sliding between the hollow of her breasts, nimbly pulling at the buttons there, sliding the blouse off her shoulder, and GOD, his mouth gently biting down on her shoulder, then lower, as her dormant deadly skin suddenly never felt so alive underneath his touch.

The protusion underneath her thighs, the heated warmth that eminated from it, distracted her whirling thoughts, and as he suckled and murmered against the sweaty skin, her own hands slid through his hair, leaning back, hair sliding across the leaves as he buried his face in her cleavage, shirt now hanging off her shoulders.

"Scott," she whispered, barely managing the word as she felt herself slip back, smiling when she saw his beautiful face gently move over her. And when he saw the smile, the look of adoration shining from her eyes, he stilled, the smile suddenly fading away, replaced with a look of stillness.

Gently, every so gently, he lowered himself on top of her, and his chest flattened her breasts against hers, the hardness in his groin gloriously rubbing up against her.

And she breathed in his smell, his beautiful masculine smell of sweat and cologne and she rubbed her cheeks against his stubbly ones, feeling the friction, and when his cheek moved over her she knew he would kiss her, and she met it eagerly, lips gently moving against each other in one gentle caress.

She broke away from his lips, tears springing to her eyes as she wrapped her arms around him, burying her face into his shoulder, letting out a whimper, swallowing as she rasped, "I can't... go ... do this. Not in secret... it seems wrong."

He stilled, and as they sat up, he gently cradled her face, moving up to kiss her brow, brushing away the tears.

"Do we seem wrong, Rogue," he whispered gently, voice husky, tortured.

"Scott..." she whispered heavily. "I love you, okay? And... I can't stay away from you... but I don't want to be WITH you and have to hide it. But I can't... we can't just BE with each other and not have to..."

He pursed his lips, gently placing a finger over her own. "You don't think I'll know what they'll think? Revenge, drowning our sorrow in each other, that sorta thing?"

She gazed at him thoughtfully. "Jean's my friend Scott. And Logan..."

He licked his lips, sighing as he let her go to sit cross legged, staring at the setting sun. The red lenses of his flickered, and she swallowed,  coming forward to sit next to him, in much the same way they had sat before.

"Do you think we're ready? Ta handle that? You love Jean, Scott-"

"I love you," came the short brusque answer.

And she smiled sadly, because she knew it was the truth. He DID love her, and he loved her completely. But still...

"You're still gonna love her. *I* love her. I don't want to hurt her..."

"You feel guilty."

She didn't answer, instead reached forward and gently placed her palm on top of his. "We're a family Scott. I don't want it to break up, over this. Over us. You guys are all Ah have. Poor Storm's so freaked out she doesn't know what to think."

He smiled grimly over that, and Rogue felt a smirk float on her face in response. Storm was really the only one who knew the truth, and she had handled it well... considering. Didn't make it any less easier to handle, and for the Goddess of the Winds, passing judgment was next to impossible, because she knew them all.

But the others didn't know them half as well.

His face was stern, red lenses hiding his eyes, as he turned, stared at her, and then gently pulled her to him, kissing her once gently before simply shifting her, so that she was leaning against him, his embrace loving and gentle.

"You don't have to feel guilty," he whispered against her ear.  "We shouldn't feel guilty, because we know the truth."

"And what is the truth?" she answered softly.

"That I love you, and you love me. And Logan and Jean... if they can work something out.."

"Then?"

"Then we can be happy for them. And just maybe... they can be happy with us."

She stilled, turning in his arms to look at him, "And the complication of pretense?"

And he smiled, an gentle loving smile as he answered, "To hell with it."

She found herself smiling back, and when she leaned forward and kissed him her heart soared, and her face tingled, and she practically glowed, because she suddenly realized that Scott was the leader for a damn good reason.

He was always right.

"To hell with it," she responded, and her arms went around him, and she kissed him and loved him, and for once didn't feel guilty.

She didn't need to.

Who cared what the others thought.

She knew the truth. She loved Scott.

To hell with the rest.