Teaser:On the eve of Marina's last night in West Hollywood, Jenny and Marina struggle with Marina's imminent departure, and Sydney finds herself at a crossroads littered with sisters, cousins, and a love triangle.Genre: LWord/Alias .
Series: Nothing to Write Home About, Story XXVIII
Crossover: Alias/The L Word
Characters: Think clowns in a circus car.

Notes: This 'episode' is very heavily based on music. It's no secret that when I write, I'm heavily influenced by music, but since the majority of this piece takes place at Radar, in a club, music becomes a huge deal. While you don't need to read the lyrics or listen to the songs to get the story, it really does add to the experience, since they each lead to their own tones. Eventually, I will release a 'soundtrack', the playlist is being worked out at the moment.

Songs referenced in this piece:
Dashboard Confessional, As Lovers Go
Staind, So Far Away
Beer For My Horses, Toby Keith
Destiny's Child, Jumpin', Jumpin'
Michelle Branch, You Get Me
Dido, White Flag
Fisher, A Different Kind of Wonderful
Counting Crows, Accidentally In Love

--

She says 'I've gotta be honest
You're wasting your time if you're fishing around here'
And I said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not fooling.
This feeling is real.'
She said 'You've got to be crazy. What do you take me for?
Some kind of easy mark- you've got wits, you've got looks-
You've got passion -
But I swear that you've got me all wrong

-- Dashboard Confessional, As Lovers Go

Marina's mother found her at the window of the cargo plane, arms crossed, watching as the obscure transport slipped through the clouds, back to a way of life she would never know again.

Marina was not a coward, but she had been avoiding her mother. At the moment, she simply lacked the energy to get into another argument, to have her heart broken yet again, and for once, she felt absurdly like Jenny - always hoping, always crushed.

It was an interesting parallel, and one she preferred not to think about again.

Her mother did not touch her. Instead, she moved to her side, watched what she did, the soft hue of the setting sun, glinting over the clouds, a serenity that seemed aided by the buzz of the plane, background noise that seemed oddly in character.

Marina waited. Katya was not one for idle chatter. She had never been a joker, and while Katya was gifted with the art of flirtation, it was rare for Marina to see that side of her. So many years were spent breaking Marina, forcing her to accept her destiny in order to keep her alive, that Katya had resorted to habit when Marina had finally conformed.

Marina knew that her mother simply did not know another way of dealing with her.

"I always knew you would never understand," she said finally, breaking the silence. Marina didn't look at her mother, instead kept her eyes on the window, arms crossed, jaw visibly tightened at the start of Katya's speech. "It was why I kept you out of things. I lost my heart a long time ago, Marina. But not you. Never you. To be honest, I admired that part of you - on some level... I tried to keep it alive."

Marina was sure she meant that, and a dark smile drifted to her face as a result. It was a sad moment, she decided, when you understand you know more than your own mother.

Katya was waiting for her to speak, and Marina supposed she owed it to her.

She turned, regarded her mother, with her tired haggard eyes, once brilliant and beautiful. She was rough around the edges, cut from a mold of deception and betrayal. Her mother had lost everything in her own effort to save her daughter, and still, Marina could not forgive her for what she had done.

She didn't understand, and she wondered if she ever would.

Her eyes clouded with tears, and Marina was careful as she wrapped her arms around her, drawing her close for a brief, desperate hug.

She wasn't sure how long it lasted, only that for once, her mother held nothing back, that Marina could feel the curious wetness of tears against her neck, heard a muffled sob. Her eyes closed, her heart constricted, and Marina pressed her lips to the side of her face, on her temple.

"Good-bye, Mami," she whispered against her skin, and let her go, stepping away so fast, Katya almost lost her balance. Marina moved fast, away from her mother.

"Marina." She paused, kept her gaze on the doorway. "Will you write me your letters?"

She didn't mean for the tears to come, but they did.

Marina's only consolation was that she never turned, never allowed her mother to see her pain when she left her.

--

Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes, one life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day

-- Staind, So Far Away

It was tremendously odd, to think that this would be her last night.

Marina stood in the opening, eyeing the stairs that would lead down to the discreet airstrip Jack had secured.

She had snuck into this country. It was time to sneak out.

Pressure suddenly upon her shoulder alerted her to Sydney Bristow, who smiled quickly as she joined her in looking out over the city.

"It doesn't feel real, does it?" she asked softly.

Marina sighed, affection getting the better of her, wrapping an arm around her cousin's waist. "I'm going to miss you, Sydney."

Sydney's capacity for expressing her emotion always surprised her. They shared a warm glance, before Sydney's mouth twitched and she closed her eyes, pressing a gentle kiss against her forehead, holding her still for one long minute, before pulling back.

"We're going to see each other," she said gruffly. "I'll make sure of it."

A duffel bag dropped at their feet, and both women looked to see Shane, struggling with her one arm in a sling, glaring down at the monstrous bag she had been assigned.

"Fuck it," she said, kicking at it with her sneaker and sighing, moving to the other side of Marina, hair ruffling in the dark night's cool breeze. "Shit," she said, shivering slightly. "It's fucking June. Why is it this cold?"

"Seems to set the mood perfectly," Marina agreed.

Shane smiled, tossing her a quick glance before her grin turned suddenly turned sheepish. "Listen... I know it's not great timing, but I talked to Alice, and... it'd be really nice if we stopped by the Planet tonight."

"Shane-"

"It's Radar," Shane interrupted, shaking her head. "They know you're leaving. They just want to give you a night to remember, that's all."

She owed it to her friends, she knew that. It seemed fitting, to spend her last night in West Hollywood in the only place she ever truly felt was her own.

Beside her, Sydney's face was clouded with disappointment, frowning slightly. "Marina..."

"Will you go with me?" Marina asked, squeezing once, beseeching with her glance. "I'm not ready to say good-bye to you. Not here."

Startled at the request, Sydney glanced at her, then at Shane, and managed a smile. "I'm going to have to check in," she warned, licking her lips and glancing back at the crowd of rescuers. "And I'm pretty sure we're going to get our asses kicked for what we did..." she nodded."But I'll be there."

"Sydney!" On cue, Michael Vaughn could be heard from somewhere in the heart of the plane, calling Sydney away from them, her cousin wearing a regretful frown.

There was a moment, just a moment, where Marina noticed Shane's eyes linger on her cousin, a dark flash of emotion dashing across her face before her friend shook out of it, glancing down at her bag with a worried shrug.

"I hate this fucking thing," she muttered, before she winced, and tried to wrap her free hand around the handle, ready to heave it back on her shoulder.

"Don't be a martyr," Marina said, amusement tilting her lips up into a smirk. "Let me help you." Easily, she took hold of the bag, hefting it on her shoulder, moving down the stairs.

"Be careful," Shane warned, coming down behind her. "I don't want you to fucking fall down the stairs and kill yourself."

"It will take more than stairs," Marina said, stepping down onto the concrete and dropping the bag with a plop. There was a small tinkle. "Nothing breakable, I hope?"

"I got Alice a shot glass from Italy," Shane said, wincing slightly, nudging at the bag uncertainly.

"Oh... Sorry." Shane shrugged, flashing her a smile. Marina waited a beat, before she cocked her head. "Is there even a point," she began tenuously, "in asking for an update on what's going on between you and my cousin?"

The magic sentence. Shane immediately looked wary, eyes narrowing like a frightened cat, shifting her eyes away. "Please don't," she said flatly. "I haven't even figured it out myself, and it's a fucking complication I really don't need right now."

"YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT."

The expletive startled Marina, drew her attention back to the plane, where a dim version of Jenny could be seen just inside, struggling with her own duffel bag, dragging it behind her slender, skinny form.

It was bittersweet paradise, to look upon Jenny now. Still, watching her, Marina couldn't help a soft smile. "No one ever does," she said crisply, nodding to her. "Did you think I planned on falling in love with that?"

Jenny nearly tripped on her bag, and she blinked at it, shoving her bangs out of her face and peering down with a glare, before she gave it a good kick, stubbing her toe in the process.

At the sight, Shane snorted down an amused chuckle, looking away before Jenny could realize it was them. "She's got a quirky charm..." she defended, before she nodded."I see what you mean."

"It was an accident." Marina smiled. "A horrible, terrible accident. But not one I regret."

"Accidentally in love," Shane mused.

"A lot of that seems to be going around," Weiss said, skipping off the stairs and letting down his backpack with a careful clank.

Eric Weiss looked insecure and awkward, and immediately, Marina turned away, smile leaving her lips.

Sensing the sudden tension, Shane coughed. "I'm just... gonna go see if I can help Jen..."

It left Marina with a small bit of worry, because she truly liked Weiss. If there was one thing she truly despised, it was giving the 'just friends' speech to a man. In truth, it was almost annoying. Had it been anyone else, any other circumstances, Marina would have taken offense to Eric Weiss and his kiss and declaration of love.

But the entire week had been insane and crazy, and she understood about impulses.

But she still wasn't sure if she was ready to do this. Not yet.

"Look," he said quickly, before she could even begin. "I just wanted to say... I'm really sorry. I mean about... the kissing. I'm not sorry about... about what I said, 'cause it's true..."

"Eric-"

"No, look..." He swallowed, looking like a lost little boy, and suddenly smiled sheepishly, "It could just be a crush, but I haven't felt like this in a long time, and ... I don't know... maybe it's because you're gay or you're in love with someone... I can love you as much as I want, and not have to worry about losing you. Cause I never had you." He shrugged. "There's something really liberating about that."

Marina frowned, quirking an eyebrow. "There's something incredibly disturbing about that."

Still, his grin was infectious, and suddenly, she was laughing, when he waggled an eyebrow, and said, "Baby, you know it."

She cut off his laugh with a kiss, a careful, chaste kiss that turned him pink. "You have a friend in me forever, Eric," she said, caressing his face, an affectionate swab against his lips, clearing away the lipstick.

"There you go again, being a big ass cocktease." Toni Cummings shook her head, clucking her tongue as she came forward. "Why don't you leave the dick to the chicks that actually LIKE it?"

Marina's grin couldn't be helped, as she narrowed her eyes into a good-natured glare. "You never change, do you, Toni?"

"Baby, where's the fun in that?" Their palms met in an old fashioned slap, fingers tangling together, Toni's eyes dancing with affection. "It was good to see you again, Marina. Offer still stands, ya know."

"Thank you," Marina said, "But four years of sexual harassment was enough for me."

Toni glanced down at their hands. "We'll always have Paris."

"Paris? What are you guys talking about?"

Marina smiled, glancing at Weiss, looking befuddled. "Should we tell him?"

"Why not? Give him a wet dream or two," Toni said, before she continued with, "Remember how I said if there was ever a girl..."

Weiss blinked, looking at their entwined hands before his eyes went wide. "Do you mean you two-"

"Paris, 1993. I had an itch and she satisfied it for me," Toni said, grin now tremendously wide. "Really well, actually."

"You said you weren't into the chick thing," Weiss said suddenly. "You did!"

"She isn't," Marina said, grinning widely. "But that doesn't mean a woman doesn't get curious. Or drunk."

"Wasn't what I was used to, never did it again, but there was just something about Marina... and a bunch of wine." Toni smirked, a mock pout on her lips, "And then you had to go and settle down on me."

"It happens to the best of us, Toni," Marina said, smile suddenly frozen when she realized Jenny was now off the stairs, looking at the group uncertainly, still struggling with her bag.

At her sudden distraction, Toni quirked an eyebrow, turning back to Jenny, tactfully ignoring the way Weiss suddenly held his bag directly in front of his crotch, eyes up at the sky.

"Jenny, girl." Marina's friend smiled, motioning for her lover to come forward, throwing an arm around her bony shoulder, affectionate as she smoothed Jenny's bangs to one side. "Cut your hair. It looks like it's swallowing you whole."

Despite herself, Marina tried to hide her smile, coughing slightly when Jenny glared, rolling her eyes as she huffed under Toni's ministrations.

"Thanks," Jenny muttered. "I'll do what I can."

Toni regarded her. "You surprised a hell of a lot of people, you know," she said frankly, and Marina felt a small twinge of pride, at the look of admiration on Toni's face as she looked down at her girlfriend. "Take care of yourself. You're gonna be someone." She gave her a small squeeze. "Just get all that crazy out of you, first."

"Toni!" But Toni was already gone, dragging Weiss with her, laughing about something or other.

They left her alone with Jenny, changing the mood abruptly, when Jenny's somber eyes glittered at her with such emotion. She hadn't spoken to her since Jenny had realized Marina was leaving, and even now, Marina did not know what she could say.

Marina was genuinely in love, and it was a horrible feeling. It was the last thing she needed. It was the last thing JENNY needed.

"Jenny-"

"Shut up," Jenny said crisply, tightly. "Look... I'm not okay with this. But if this is all I have with you, I don't want to spend it... fighting. I just want to be with you as much as I can, for as long as I can."

It was as much as she could ask for, and Marina wanted more.

But she had no right to ask for it, and so she simply stared into Jenny's beautifully clear eyes, watching as Jenny reached forward, gently took her hand, pressed her lips against Marina's palm, breathing her in.

Marina pulled, desperate to hold her, and when Jenny went willingly into her arms, she closed her eyes, clutched onto her so tightly, for a moment, she was afraid Jenny might break.

But Jenny had proven unbreakable, and Marina understood, that she was the weaker one in this.

She refused to think of tomorrow.

--

Justice is the one thing you can always find
You gotta saddle up your boys
You gotta draw a hard line
When the gunsmoke settles
We'll sing a victory tune
And we'll all meet back at the local saloon

-- Beer For My Horses, Toby Keith

Radar continued to exist without her.

Marina pushed into The Planet, somehow awed by the girls that surrounded her, bobbing and dancing, laughing and drinking.

Jenny curled under her arm, eyeing it all with the fresh eyes of a writer, holding onto Marina as if fearful she would get swept up in the chaos. "It's crowded," she said, voice drained away by the loud music and the laughter.

"Shit doesn't seem real," Shane agreed, before a blur of blonde plowed into her arms, nearly toppling her over, and even Marina winced as the hit her wrist took, as Alice hugged the life out of Shane.

"SHANE!"

"WRIST! GETTHEFUCKOFFMYWRIST!" Shane yelped.

"Oh, God, you guys-" And Tina was there, looking worried and beautiful, forcing Marina to let go of Jenny when she hugged her tightly, pulling back to inspect her face. "Thank God, you're finally here."

"Tina," Marina said, distracted as Kit came forward, beautiful Kit, rubbing at her neck.

"Ran to ya so fast, I forgot about my headphones. Nearly broke my head off!" she explained, pulling Marina down for a tight embrace. "Girl, are you okay? Did they torture you?"

"Just a little bit," she said, quickly registering Jenny being inspected by Tina, Shane surrounded by Alice and Dana, trying to understand them both as they yapped at her at the same time- "But it was nothing I could not handle."

"Baby, after a week of trying to take care of this place," Kit said, concerned brown eyes darkening. "I can understand it!"

"MARINA!" Unsettling Kit's embrace, Dana pressed a kiss her check, sighing as she threw her arms around her. "YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF US."

"Yeah, what the hell, really!" Alice pushed Dana away, holding her so tightly she choked a bit, causing Alice to jump back. "Sorry!"

"It's fine..." Marina managed, rubbing at her throat, swallowing down the small lump of pain as she tried to breathe.

And suddenly, there was so much to say and no way of doing it, as her friends all crowded together, in her club, and it was the last night, and Marina would never see this again.

She couldn't think of anything that could make them understand this...

She closed her eyes, tried desperately to calm her beating heart.

"So..." Bette said, edging in from the fringe, one palm on Jenny's shoulder. "You've been lying to us for like... years?"

That put a slight damper on the mood of the group, and even Kit looked anxious, throwing Bette a scathing glare.

But Marina only smiled. The usually uptight woman looked particularly fetching that night, in a black shimmery top and tight jeans, more casual that Marina ever remembered seeing her.

Bette and Marina had always had their differences - Bette was stressed and judgmental and Marina was unethical and unapologetic, but there was no time for that tonight.

"Just a little bit."

Bette nodded, considering that, glancing at her friends. "Then the first shot's on you." She smiled, wrapping arms around Marina's waist, regarding her. "You always scared me," she said frankly. "And now I know why." She sighed. "It makes me feel better, somehow."

Marina smiled, tugging lightly at a curl. "I always admired you."

Bette glanced down, sudden shame flickering over her face. "We're more alike than I wanted to admit."

Marina brushed a kiss along her temple and whispered words only Bette could hear.

"Then there's hope for you yet."

--

Ladies leave your man at home
The club is full of ballers and their pockets are full grown
And all you fellas leave your girl with her friends
Cause it's eleven-thirty and the club is
Jumpin', Jumpin'

-- Destiny's Child, Jumpin', Jumpin'

"Marina!"

"Kit!' She knew better than to offer a recovering alcoholic a drink. Turning away from her friends, who were each recovering in their own way from the third shot of tequila, she regarded Bette's beautiful older sister. "What is it?"

"Can I talk to you, baby?"

"Of course." With a squeeze of Jenny's hand, she pressed a kiss to the writer's cheek and whispered a hurried explanation in her ear, waving her hand away to her celebrating friends and following Kit through the crowd, into the reasonably quiet office.

The last time she had been in here, she had been shot in the chest.

It was enough to erase her smile, force a small, regular breath out, until she focused on Kit, who wrung her hands together as she stood in the center of the room.

"What is it?" Marina asked, eyebrow narrowing in concern, stepping forward when Kit hesitated, before she turned back and produced a folder.

"This," she said, grimacing slightly, placing it into Marina's outstretched palm. "It's the deed to the Planet," she explained, when Marina gave her a questioning glance. "Francesca dropped it off. Said it was yours."

The music pulsed, dim vibrations that shook the door slightly, as Marina held what should have been a priceless piece of paper in her hands. Carefully, she opened the folder, ran a finger over the little slip, Francesca's obnoxiously important signature scrawled across the bottom. She smiled bitterly, blinking back her tears stubbornly, taking in a haggard breath before she straightened and handed it right back.

"I think it's in good hands already, Kit."

At first, Kit was puzzled, staring at her with a befuddled expression, as if Marina was playing a joke, before comprehension brightened in her eyes, and her mouth fell open. Kit's hope created warmth inside Marina, as she smiled, clasping Kit's hands as Kit came forward.

"You were always beautiful, Marina," she whispered, eyes moistened, smile broad.

--

You get me
When nobody understands
You come take the chance
Baby, you get me
When none of the pieces fit
You make sense of it

-- Michelle Branch, You Get Me

Lesbians no longer intimidated her.

It was a rather frightening thought, but Sydney only shook her head, ignoring the occasional interested glance, shouldering her way through the crowd.

"Try and keep up, okay?"

Toni Cummings clutched Weiss's arm, looking like a chicken stuck in a den of coyotes, eyes moving this way and that. "There are a SHITLOAD of women here!"

"It's a gay bar," Weiss said, nearly shouting above the music. "What did you expect!"

"I don't do well with women!" she snapped, shaking her head. "They think I’m a bitch!"

"Because you are a bitch," Sydney returned, smile widening when Toni gave her a small huff, rolling her eyes. She kept looking, finally locating her cousin near the pool table (of course), laughing with Alice and Tina, head bobbing slightly. "There she is."

She saw them coming, her exotic face creasing into a grin as she pushed away from the wooden table, dropping the cue on the green felt and kissing Sydney hello on the cheek, smiling at the others and making the quick introductions.

"Wow, a man!" Alice grinned, pinching Weiss on the shoulder good-naturedly.

"Or one of the butchest women I've ever seen!" Tina returned, and that was enough for Toni to snort, ignoring Weiss and his reddening face to retort-

"Sweetie, this is one of the most feminine boys I've ever come across-"

"Excuse me?!"

Marina rolled her eyes, carefully squeezing her cousin's elbow, steering her away from the pool table. "While they do this, let's get you a drink."

"Yes, PLEASE." Sydney closed her eyes for a brief moment, blindly trusting her cousin to maneuver her through the crowd of women, jostling a couple who were trying to dance by doing something that looked like a chicken dance.

"I take it you're not under arrest," Marina said, elbows on the bar, staring at her quizzically as she motioned for the bartender.

"No," Sydney said, thanking the bartender with a smile as she took the frosty beer he immediately handed out. "Dixon is a good man. I'm very lucky to have him as a boss."

She was lucky. Her ex-partner was loyal, and while he tried whenever necessary to follow the protocol, he understood, sometimes, rules were meant to be broken.

Still, he had surprised her. Coming up with a covert opps, completely covering their lies with a paper trail to back it up, and only a good two hours of screaming, were more than even she expected.

Marina smiled at that, and true to her character, did not ask for more details. Instead, she joined Sydney in glancing over the bar, at the animated faces, the cliques and couples, the dancing pairs.

"You're going to miss this," Sydney mused.

"I'm going to miss a lot of things," Marina answered flatly. "But this was my life. I will leave a part of me behind with it." Her tone was wistful, and Sydney smiled in sympathy, gentle as she rested her head on Marina's shoulder, feeling the brief pressure of her cousin's chin against her crown before it lifted away. "Did Vaughn come with you?"

Sydney sighed, lifting her head to shake it, taking another sip, suddenly anxious as she kept scanning the faces that passed her. "He said he had things to do - but he told me he had already said his good-bye."

"He did," Marina answered, "And your father."

"He told me he was sure he'd see you again." Sydney quirked an eyebrow, studying Marina with narrowed eyes. "You never told me he had come to your house, planning on torturing you."

"We worked it out," Marina answered, an easy smirk on her lips.

"So it would seem." Another swig, and the bitter alcohol splashed onto her tongue, refreshing and cool against her somewhat dry throat. She kept looking, around the Planet, scrutinizing the faces. "He mentioned Shane," she said, forced casualness making the sentence almost mechanic. At the mention of her friend, Marina's look changed, somehow more piercing, as she twisted her body to give Sydney her full attention. "He says she showed a lot of potential."

Marina's stare was penetrating, and Sydney felt ridiculously like a little girl, looking away, cheeks slightly heated.

"If you wanted to know where she was you could have just asked," Marina said, plucking her own bottle from the bar and taking a deep swig. "She's outside checking her messages."

"I didn't-"

"Or are you serious in implying that the CIA is considering recruiting her?"

Sydney sighed, rubbing slightly at the bridge of her nose, opening her eyes and regarding her cousin. "I don't know," she said. "It sounds a little crazy, but she proved herself out there-"

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" Marina's face was passive, the smile now gone.

"What do you mean?"

Marina arched an eyebrow. "Are we really going to play this game?" she asked frankly. Sydney glared. "Fine," Marina said, after a moment, glancing away. A pregnant pause, and then, "I mean, considering the rather ample sexual tension you have accumulated with my friend. Between Rambaldi and your on again/off again relationship with Michael Vaughn, do you really think it is a good idea to bring Shane into that world?"

Oh, God. "Listen, Marina-"

"Sydney." Marina's tone was flat, there was no room for discussion. "I know that things are confusing for you right now - and I sincerely do believe that what you and Shane are experiencing is real. But I have been through my share of straight girls, and I understand what will happen after this. You will become frightened. You'll realize that being in love with a woman is much more than just a choice of breasts versus dick. There are... prejudices. An entirely different world."

She was talking to her like she was a child, and Sydney was oddly irritated by it. Slumping away from her, she took a long swig, trying desperately to cool down her flaming cheeks.

"I experienced most of that already," Sydney reminded her after she swallowed, not caring to look at her face. "When everyone thought I was dating you."

"But you knew it wasn't real," Marina answered crisply. "And I am not Shane. What Shane is, is obvious, frank, there is no going back after her."

"Marina-"

"Shane is my friend," Marina interrupted. "She is quite possibly the closest friend I have in this place, after you. She has an amazingly fragile heart, and I do not want it broken."

Oh, God. She was getting 'the talk'. Marina was actually giving her 'the talk'. For Sydney, it seemed borderline ridiculous.

"I can't believe we're having this conversation."

"Sydney-"

"I don't think I'm in a position to break it," she sighed finally.

Marina stared into her eyes for a long beat, before she closed her eyes, let out a tired breath, opening them again to look away. She took another long drink, draining her bottle, plonking it on the bar behind her.

"That," she whispered heavily, "Is where you are wrong. You're beautiful and impulsive," she reminded her. Something distracted her, and Marina straightened, looking away from her. "Just keep what I said in mind."

And with that, Sydney felt the brush of a kiss against her cheek, before Marina's sleeve swished against hers and Marina left her, weaving toward Jenny, previously unnoticed, standing in the middle of the crowd, waiting for Marina. Jenny smiled, letting Marina take her outstretched hand, kept her stare on Sydney as Marina pointed in her direction.

Jenny smiled, waved, and Sydney raised her bottle in greeting, watching with a curiously sad smile, as her cousin took the love of her life away into the crowd.

--

This is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

-- Dashboard Confessional, As Lovers Go

With her return came reality.

Shane closed her eyes, took a moment to try and keep her composure, before she lowered her cellphone, pressed the number seven, deleting the message from her voicemail.

"Fuck," she whispered, sinking down onto her haunches, using her free hand to bury into her hair, closing her eyes against the world for a minute. Just a minute.

"What's wrong?"

A shiver rang through her, an immediate recognition that caused her eyes to flutter open, her back to arch, looking behind her to see a beautiful woman, staring at her with sad dark eyes filled with concern.

Shane smiled, taking in Sydney, before she glanced back down at her phone, flipping it closed, playing with the hinge.

"I'm fired." Her voice was flat. Resigned. Pushing up to a standing position, she let Sydney join her, Marina's cousin absorbed in what she was saying, mouth pursing into a startled frown.

"Fired?"

"Yeah." Shane shrugged. "I mean... can't work with a broken wrist, and my vacation was only good for two weeks..." she sighed."They didn't exactly seem to buy me taking a week off to save a friend from crazy terrorists in a shoot out in Italy."

Sydney was quiet beside her, lost in contemplation, before her brilliant eyes took her in once more. "What do they think?"

For the first time in a while, shame crept into Shane's tone, causing her to wince at the implication, resignation clouding it with bitterness. "Doing drugs. Being hungover." It was a sad admission, but Shane didn't lie about shit like that. She stared frankly into Sydney's eyes. "It's usually the truth." Sydney continued to stare, arms crossed, looking perfect and beautiful and everything Shane never could be. "I told you I was a fuck-up, Sydney."

Maybe she was being a whiner, self-absorbed in pity, maybe she truly believed it, it suddenly didn't matter anymore.

Sydney just looked at her, an odd stare that sent a sudden tingle into Shane's toes, when Sydney suddenly leaned forward, clung to her lips in a soft, gentle kiss.

It was unexpected, and still, Shane's eyes shut, felt the feather light brush with a twist in her soul, making her breathless and jumpstarting her heart when Sydney pulled away, eyes glittering.

"Sorry," Sydney whispered, voice choked, husky. "It just looked like you needed that."

They were her words, thrown back at her, and Shane didn't care. Her heart was hammering against her chest, her eyes were frozen on Sydney, completely absorbed in the flood of her own emotion.

Without another word, she took a step forward, until her palm slipped around Sydney's waist, ignoring the twinge of pain her wrist gave when Sydney's lush body pressed against hers, and her head tilted, falling into Shane's kiss.

--

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

-- Dido, White Flag

In a darkened corner of the Planet, there was a small piece of heaven.

Jenny's eyes were closed, cheek rested against Marina's chest, hands drawn about her waist, settled into Marina's lap like a doll.

She was surprisingly heavy. A mass of soft skin, and soapy hair, that tickled Marina's chin as Jenny shifted.

She smoothed fingers up and down Jenny's back, eyes on The Planet, watching her friends - small stories of love and heartbreak. Alice, stealing furtive glances at Dana and her star-fucker fiancé, pretending to be interested in what Toni and Weiss were saying, while Tina pretended to be equally oblivious to Bette's dark, smoldering stares, parked beside Kit's DJ table, nursing a rum and coke.

She had missed the developments, lost in her own love story, and this was her ending.

She would not be here to see theirs.

Jenny distracted her, shifting in her lap until she was staring into her eyes, a brilliant jeweled gaze that never failed to steal her breath.

Marina took her in, worshiped Jenny's elvin face with a soft trace of her fingers, from Jenny's pronounced cheekbones to her surprisingly lush lips.

"You're so beautiful," Jenny whispered. "You were always the most beautiful woman I had ever seen."

Marina blinked at her own emotion, smile tilting her lips up, continuing to trace Jenny's face, feeling the skin beneath her questing digits.

"Marina?"

"Yes, Jenny."

"What are we still doing here?" Jenny whispered, eyes closing, nose nuzzling Marina's, lips brushing hers faintly, just the softest tease of a kiss, tufts of moist breath feathering upon them. "I need to be with you."

Her heart jerked at the statement, honest and filled with need. She pressed her lips against Jenny's in a soft, deep kiss, holding Jenny against her for a long, amazing second, before she breathed her in and gently shifted her off her lap.

Taking her hand, she smiled with a glittering gaze of love.

"Let's go."

--

I guess this is
A different kind of wonderful
We're in love in the real world
It's not what I thought it would be
But I can't let this go

-- Fisher, A Different Kind of Wonderful

Sydney kissed with the same intensity she gave everything else, and Shane found herself hating her wounded arm that kept her from holding on tighter, fearful she would drown in Sydney's intensity.

Her eyes shut tight, utterly lost in the slide of Sydney's lips against hers, a soft, shy dart of her tongue that jolted within her, until Shane groaned and chased it with her own, sinking into Sydney's wet mouth, meeting and tangling around it, and Sydney shuddered against her.

It was slow, agonizingly slow, tantalizing, Sydney's breasts pushed against hers, tightening against her body. Sydney's mouth, heated in suction against hers, exploring her with such patience.

Her free hand tangled in the nape of Sydney's neck, into sweaty brown hair, tilting her head so Shane could taste deeper, lick her way along Sydney's teeth, skim the roof of her mouth, her lush bottom lip. Sydney was increasingly bold, stronger, tilting her head back with a push of her mouth, moving against her for a soft, firm kiss.

A piercing ring that started far away not suddenly broke into her haze, and Shane swallowed, fingers loosening their hold when Sydney smiled against her lips, managing another brush against her mouth before she pulled back slightly.

Shane held onto her, still dizzy, as Sydney took in a shuddering breath, trying to regain her strength as she reached for her belt, pulled out a cellphone, eyes closing as she tilted her forehead against Shane's, answering with a breathless hello.

Shane only heard a buzz, lost instead in gasping for her breath, gentle as she smoothed Sydney's hair from her cheek.

"Okay," Sydney said softly, snapping the phone shut, taking another moment just to breathe, before Shane felt her pull back hesitantly. Sydney looked at her, face softening, careful as she clasped Shane's free hand in hers. "I have to go."

"I figured..." Shane, suddenly feeling absurdly like giggling, trying desperately to fight it.

She almost beat it. Until Sydney chuckled and she couldn't fight it anymore, and they were laughing softly together, watching their hands together.

"What do you think..." Sydney began, watching their fingers, as they slid together. "Of... maybe getting together to do something... once this craziness subsides?"

Shane blinked, teasing grin escaping her beating heart. "What, like a date?"

Sydney considered that, mouth twitching, before she shrugged. "I don't know... maybe?"

"Maybe," Shane said, grinning, eyes drifting shut when Sydney kissed her again.

"Um... AHEM?"

Shane flushed, a shudder down her spine, as Sydney pulled away, Weiss and Toni suddenly five feet away, Weiss staring with wide goggle eyes, Toni Cummings just bored.

"Told ya," she snapped at Weiss, and Shane rolled her eyes, letting go of Sydney as she stepped away regrettably.

"I'll see you later?" Sydney asked. Shane nodded, watching with a curiously aching heart, as Sydney tossed her another shy smile, before turning away, warning her co-workers not to start as they followed her.

She looked back, and Shane felt the twinge again, a warm feeling that had her sinking down on the curb, eyes closing.

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Shit," she whispered, a half sob coming from her. "You're so fucked."

"Shane?"

Shane didn't look at Alice as her friend clickity clacked her way toward her.

"Yeah."

"I was just making sure you were alive," Alice chirped, sinking down beside her on the curb, peering into her face, concern etched on hers. "You okay?"

Shane kept her eyes closed, good hand buried into her bangs. "I'm scared, Alice. I'm fucking scared."

The soft pressure of her friend's palm warmed her back. "Shane? Sweetie? What's the problem?"

"What's the problem?" Shane repeated, eyes opening, fingers falling away as she looked up at the sky with glistening eyes. "I don't know... well..." she swallowed."Maybe I'm in love."

Alice was gentle, rubbing soft circles into her back, silent for a moment, before she sighed. "Sydney?"

"Am I that fucking obvious?"

"I think you both are that fucking obvious. You're making Jenny and Marina look positively discreet."

Shane managed a short chuckle, caught in her throat, nearly choking her.

"Shane..."

"Am I nuts?" she asked. "Fuck, I'm nuts. I'm falling for a straight girl!"

Alice looked almost sympathetic, but a smile danced on her face. "Well I think the straight girl might be falling right back." She brushed the back of her hand against Shane's cheek. "Scares the shit out of you?"

Shane sighed, nodding. "Wanna know something?"

"Sure."

"I fucking lost it with Cherie. I don't know if I can do that again, Alice..."

Alice was a beautiful, wonderful friend. She didn't say anything else, just wrapped her arms around her and drew her into her side, holding her warmly.

"I love you, kiddo," she whispered softly into Shane's hair. Shane pressed her lips into a soft smile, before she shuddered against Alice, and pulled away.

"I got an idea." Alice quirked an eyebrow, before Shane smiled. "How about I go in there and ask Tanya to dance with me. You know... really get into some deep conversation?"

Alice stared at her for a beat, groaning, arms falling to her side. "Am I that fucking obvious?"

"I think you both are that fucking obvious. You're making Jenny and Marina look positively discreet."

--

And I said "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
but just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane,
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.
You've got wits...you've got looks,
You've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?

-- Dashboard Confessional, As Lovers Go

It seemed she had waited forever for this moment.

Her heartbeat erratically, pumping her heated blood through her, eyes glazed with lust and love as she pressed her mouth against Jenny's hipbone, smoothing her palm over the naked skin, down into the soft fur of Jenny's thighs.

Jenny whimpered above her, jerking against Marina with an uncontrolled rasp, long eyelashes kissing her skin, from this angle, looking like beautiful death, as she came down from her orgasm, pants puffing from her mouth.

Marina closed her eyes, resting her cheek against Jenny's hip, licking the bitter, salty fluid from her lips, dragging her wet fingertips along Jenny's thighs.

She only had a few seconds, before she felt nimble fingers wrap around her biceps, pull up, and she smiled against Jenny's skin, grazing her body with her own as Jenny's darkened eyes implored her to meet her.

She did, pushing up with her hands, until she settled on top of her again, meeting her mouth in a hungry kiss.

Jenny was so different from the scared, awkward girl she was when Marina had first bedded her - it seemed months ago.

This Jenny was bold, confident. There were tears on her face, like before, but she was smiling, and her fingers were no longer hesitant. She knew how to make Marina break her kiss, gasp against Jenny's mouth, close her eyes and bite lightly on Jenny's jaw, moving her hips in time with Jenny's palm.

A sharp push, and she was on her back, Jenny looking down at her with those beautifully crystal eyes, a loving smile caressing her face before Jenny pressed her lips against hers, tongue licking her upper lip, holding Marina flat against the bed with hands on her shoulders, while she kissed a trail from her jaw, down between her breasts, further down...

Jenny made love to her with a fervor she hadn't experience, and Marina's orgasm was a blast of white hot blindness, overwhelming her, until she wasn't aware of anything but Jenny - Jenny's touch, Jenny's taste, Jenny's mouth once against kissing her softly, bringing her down with loving, gentle whispers.

It was only after, when their bodies cooled, when the sweat dried, when Jenny lay on top of her, rising and falling against her chest, that Marina remembered.

They were quiet, the only sound the soft rustle of Marina's skin against the sheets, her fingertips tracing Jenny's spine, as she lay back, staring at the ceiling.

She could count her heartbeats now - low, erratic thumps that shuddered within, threatening to break her.

She could not imagine tomorrow. She could not imagine good-bye. At this moment, she could not face it.

So she said nothing.

Jenny sighed, shifting against her, and mechanically, Marina rubbed again, tangling her fingers in Jenny's long hair, smoothing it away from where it tickled.

"I'm going with you."

At first, she wasn't sure she heard correctly. Blinking, Marina licked her lips, bringing moisture back into them as she stared at Jenny's immobile head.

"What?"

"I'm going with you." Jenny moved, and when her eyes settled on hers, Marina's heart jolted. Her face was a mask of conviction, and for a brief, joyful moment, Marina was ashamed to almost consider the possibility.

"Jenny..."

"I've got nothing here," Jenny whispered, pressing her lips against Marina's, a brief peck. "All I want is you-"

"Jenny, you cannot come with me."

"Why?" she snapped, as if she was prepared for this. "WHY not."

There was a lump in her throat that was painful to speak around, and Marina closed her eyes, tried desperately to keep her tone firm. "I don't know where I'm going. I don’t know what I'll be doing-"

"Do you not want me with you?"

"No! Ay, Dios, Jenny, that isn't it at all!" Jenny's tears had already begun, and Marina could not stop them, a small bitter laugh of frustration escaping her lips as she tried again. "What Italy was, will be what my life will be. Your life here is just beginning, Jenny. You're young. You have such promise and possibility-"

"FUCK promise and possibility." Jenny lay on top of her, holding her captive with flashing eyes and a husky voice. "It's my choice. You never got yours, well I do, and I choose YOU, Marina."

"I can't let you do that." Marina shook her head, a small tear escaping before she blinked it away, tone even. "You cannot come, Jenny."

Jenny was at a curious crossroads, she could see it in her eyes. Whether to continue the argument or leave it. "Are you coming back?" she whispered. "Will you be coming back for me, Marina?"

Marina had spent enough time with Sydney, a humanizing influence, to understand that what she would say, would most likely hurt Jenny beyond repair. To cut away this love so that Jenny would live, love, die happy and fulfilled.

"No."

Just like she knew it would happen, Jenny only stared disbelievingly, before her eyes hardened and she pushed off the bed, leaving Marina cold.

"Jenny, please - I don't want it to end like this."

Jenny swallowed, gathering her clothes in a pile, head jerking in a glare. "No," she whispered. "You just want it to end."

"Jenny-"

"I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of feeling like you did the right thing, Marina," Jenny snapped, hand on the doorknob. "Spend this night alone, and understand just how deluded you really are."

She left her, and Marina could not follow, forced herself to stay in her bed, even as the door slammed, far away.

She would reach her tomorrow morning, try and make Jenny see reason.

She didn't trust herself to do it tonight.

If she left now, she knew, she'd give in. She'd take Jenny with her.

--

This is my life
It's not what it was before
All these feelings
I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping

- Staind, So Far Away

The exhaustion hit her like an overdue wave, forcing Sydney to nearly crumple at her door, hand trembling as she struggled to insert her key into the doorknob, twisting it so viciously, she nearly broke it.

She felt curiously fragile, her soul on some precipice, blown delicately wide like spun glass, careful inside of her, as if anything else would dislodge her, break her.

Her father was acting oddly. Her mother had disappeared, prepared to meet Marina tomorrow, but giving no indication she would say good-bye to her. Sloane and Nadia had been sighted in Niece, and she was warned that the government was prepared to use any necessary means to bring Nadia and Sloane in.

Toni Cumming's biting remarks about muff diving and lesbian love had garnered her a snap, two, and even Weiss seemed angry at her, stating Toni's jokes were meant only in good fun. But they had been said in front of Michael Vaughn, and Sydney found that curious warmth in her heart, the giddy emotion that lingered after her kiss with Shane, twisted into very real pain at the look on his face - when he realized what it was that had happened.

Marina was leaving her, her link to her world, her safe voice of reason, who took what the Derevkos were and somehow made it make SENSE.

She was standing on the precipice of a new life, where everything was new, and nothing was the same, and Sydney shook now, trembled as she realized, she was frightened.

So incredibly frightened.

Cool discipline hardened her immediately, the second she noticed the door opened too easily, saw a faint scratch of a lock pick, and she closed her eyes, somehow annoyed, unclipping her gun and shifting against it, taking a moment to gather herself before she kicked it open herself, moving into her living room, eyes narrowed, searching the room for the intruder.

She found Vaughn, seated on her sofa, staring at her with her gun, eyes blotted and red.

"Vaughn..."

"So here's the thing," he said, rubbing palms together, sounding tired and hoarse. "I want you to be happy. And when you walked into that meeting after... you looked... You looked like you were when we were first together." Her gun wavered, dropped to her side, as Vaughn smiled painfully, tugging anxiously at his tie. "All I want is for you to be happy, Syd. If she makes you happy, I can let you go. She deserves you."

Sydney looked at Vaughn, and suddenly found herself in a dark basement, Jenny shouting in her ear, at a crossroads.

With the rational mind of a highly trained agent, she remembered Shane, considered her emotion. The giddy happiness, the dizzy, out of control feeling of a roller-coaster heart. The softness of Shane's lips, and the curious throb she felt at the newness of her.

It was exhilarating and exciting, so damned new and she felt herself on a cliff, her world changing around her, preparing to drop into the unknown with no anchor - because everything she thought she knew was wrong, and the only thing that had ever been right was Michael.

She wanted to be safe. She was tired of being frightened, and Shane, with her beautifully dark eyes, and her husky voice, with her breasts and her feminine androgyny - scared the hell out of her.

And she knew. She suddenly knew, with a twist of her soul and a tear in her eye - she wasn't ready to lose hold of the only truth she had left.

"I don’t want you to let me go," she said, her voice off-key, cracking mid-sentence. "I love you, Vaughn. I'm not ready to give up on you, too."

He stared at her, uncomprehending, until a tear slid down her cheek, and her heart jolted at his sudden smile.

In another moment, she was in his arms, and she felt the rough stubble of a masculine chin, the soft familiar lips that plundered her, and she nearly sobbed with relief at how safe and amazing he was.

And her heart split in two, as she left her crossroads, promised herself she wouldn't look back.

Knowing Shane would never ask her to.

--

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love

-- Counting Crows, Accidentally In Love

Tanya had gotten tremendously drunk - through no fault of Shane's. It really wasn't her problem that Dana's fiance had absolutely no tolerance, and she refused to feel guilty when she shoved the Starfucker in a cab, promising insincerely that Dana was right behind her.

She felt eerily content, despite the fact that she had no job, as she swallowed another mouthful of coffee, watching from the bar as Alice and Dana talked in a corner, small animated gestures that made her smile.

Alice's expression was almost shy, glancing away from Dana's repeatedly, as if careful not to stare too long at one of her best friends.

Dana, beautifully clueless Dana, who's cheeks seemed permanently fudged pink, every time she caught a stare, glancing away.

"We're taking bets on how long it'll take for them to get it together," Tina whispered in her ear, settling down beside her, an affection caress against her face. "How are you?"

"Allright," Shane said, wincing as a jostle of another patron shifted her arm. "Gonna probably head home, soon."

"Sure." Tina studied her, blonde highlights catching in the roving lights.

"You okay?" Shane asked, careful, concerned.

Tina sighed, shrugging. "I'll be okay," she said methodically. "Every day it gets a little easier. I can see her and not want to kill her. Though I won't say the same for the bitch slut carpenter."

Despite herself, Shane smiled. "We're gonna be allright, aren't we?"

Tina was always beautiful, but Shane decided few compared when she smiled gently, massing her bicep. "Yeah. I think if we stick together, we'll be great."

Her phone vibrated, breaking the moment, and with an apologetic smile, Shane pulled away, flipping it open with her index finger, putting it to her ear.

"Yeap?"

"Shane..."

Her heart jolted, and she found herself almost stuttering. "Uh... hey..."

"Hi."

"What's going on?" Shane sounded like an idiot, she knew she did, but it didn't stop her, at least not until she realized that Sydney sounded odd.

"Nothing much... I'm at home..." Weird... Shane's smile fell, her throat going dry, as Sydney continued in that weird voice, "Listen, I just... I came home and Vaughn was here-"

A jolt slammed into her, knocking the wind from her, and she shook her head quickly, trying to shake it off, when she interrupted, "Okay- you don't have to say anything else."

"Shane-"

"No... it's..." Shit. FUCKING SHIT. Shane closed her eyes. "I'm not surprised."

She wanted to be pissed. She really wanted to be fucking pissed, and she knew it was hopeless, when Sydney sighed, sounding genuinely torn and sorry and FUCK.

"I don't want to lose you in this, Shane," she whispered into her ear. "If anything, I need us to be-"

"Friends." Shane smiled bitterly, nodding. "Yeah, sure thing, Syd. You got it." Sydney was quiet, and Shane rambled on, suddenly, "It was just an accident. You know? It's fine..."

And Sydney caught her again, her voice sad and resigned, "If it was, it was the best accident I've ever had. I'll see you tomorrow."

The phone clicked off, and Shane stared at it. Beside her, Tina was staring at her, dark eyes narrowed in concern.

"Shane?"

She sighed, looked around her, at the crowed, gaze falling up on Alice and Dana, who were still talking, staring, laughing.

Accidentally in love.

"Shane? You okay?"

She considered herself, her wrist and her job, and she wondered why even now, she still felt the twinge inside of her.

She understood - for a brief minute - she had thought it was real.

"Yeah," she said thickly, forcing a smile. "I'm okay." She rubbed into Tina's neck, and took another mouthful of coffee. Across the room, a beautiful girl with purple streaks in her hair and a nose ring eyed her, mouth pulling into a sensuous smirk when she finally caught Shane's glance.

In a look, Shane was promised sex, back-scratching, mind-blowing sex, and she studied her, gaze lingering on the girl's mouth.

"Gonna take off?" Tina asked.

She was in a mood to lose herself. Staring at the girl, who stared right back, she shook her head. "I think I'll stick around."

FIN