Nothing to Write Home About: Bad Habit

When you showed me myself
You know I became someone else
But I was caught in between
All you wish for and all you need
-- Joseph Arthur, In the Sun

Maggie was deceptively small.

Her hold was so familiar, and in her arms Bianca found her home. She clung tightly to the small body, arms wrapped around a tiny waist, so familiar. Countless times she had found herself like this, wrapped up in Maggie's embrace.

Now, she was afraid to let go.

She was weak, too weak, and she kept her eyes shut tightly against Maggie's skin, pressed against the curtain of her hair and her smooth neck. It was almost as if she was hiding herself in Maggie's arms, now that the emotion was spent, and she was left naked, without strength, without protection.

Small palms smoothed their way from the small of her back to her shoulder blades, in calm strokes, pressure light, and words murmured from soft lips caressed her ear.

Maggie telling her it would be all right. Maggie telling her she would never leave her. Maggie telling her that she loved her.

The words washed over her, words she had heard again and again from Maggie, words that Maggie never tired of saying to her, words Bianca would never tire of hearing.

She could never forget Miranda. Her daughter lurked in her heart, consciously Bianca could think of nothing else, but for some reason, she was allowed a brief moment of comfort, a step up from the pitiful desperation that had taken over her soul.

She didn't deserve Maggie's forgiveness. She knew that.

It didn't matter. She needed it all the same.

Her cheek was moist, and Maggie's shirt, underneath her cheek, was now soaked thoroughly, her tears spilt against Maggie's shoulder.

"We were so happy," she whispered, words muffled by fabric. But still, Maggie heard, Maggie understood, as she froze in Bianca's arms, a second before she exhaled against her, dropping her forehead against Bianca's shoulder. "Bianca," she heard. "Bianca..."

Carefully, Maggie extracted her from her neck, until Bianca was able to look at her, into brilliantly moist eyes and a flushed face, sadness highlighting Maggie's beautiful features. Palms cradled her face, and Maggie held onto her, grip strong. "We're going to be happy again," she said fiercely. "I mean it. Don't lose faith on me now, Bianca."

She found herself unable to give that promise, until she saw the fire in Maggie's eyes, that beautiful, unbreakable spirit she was so afraid to see dying when Maggie had fallen under Jonathan's spell.

It was lit and blazing, and she found it warming her, creating an ambience in the pit of her stomach.

The corners of her mouth pull up, a small, barely there smile, just enough for Maggie to see, and her beautiful best friend clutched tighter in response. "I know it doesn't look like you and I can do much for Miranda right now, Bianca-"

The words she had spilled in her anger now sunk deep into her stomach like a blow. "Maggie..."

"No, listen. Listen, okay? We'll find a way. Lena will find a way. She loves you."

Bianca's eyes closed, and without a response, simply slid arms over the shorter girl's shoulders, pressed her lips gently against Maggie's forehead, breathing her in.

In that moment, taken in Maggie's cheap Herbal Essence shampoo she still insisted on using even if Bianca threatened to can the bottle, Bianca found the courage to smile.

For a second, Sydney wasn't sure she had actually said those words out loud.

Dropping the toy plastic keys on the table, she glanced up, taking in Lena's stunned face, darting toward Marina and Shane, who both just stared at her.

Finally, Marina broke the silence, speaking into her phone, "I'll call you back," and snapping it shut.

"You can't be serious," Lena breathed, looking down at her with dark, dangerous eyes. "You can't think of sending Bianca out there to get killed."

"I'm not going to," she said, waving off the argument. "I'll go in Bianca's place."

"Okay, now you're fucking crazy."

Sydney's eyes drifted closed, Shane's emphatic statement causing an unconscious shudder. "Shane - I'll wear a vest."

"That means nothing." It was Marina's turn to argue now, and Sydney obediently turned her head to her cousin, who stood in the kitchen like a disgruntled Amazon. "Anna is a sniper. Even if you wear a vest, you won't be protected."

The conversation stalled slightly, as Bianca caught Sydney's attention, entering her kitchen. She had calmed down, Sydney was thankful for that at least.

Maggie, coming directly behind her, wore a confused frown.

"I can take the shot," Sydney said, turning away from the spectators, back to Marina. "She can't go for my head. If this is a hit they need proof Bianca's dead."

Glancing back at the two mommies, she discovered Maggie arching a befuddled eyebrow.

"There needs to be something left to identify."

Maggie blanched at that, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and glancing at the curiously passive Bianca.

Sydney held the brunette heiress' gaze, and found herself saying, "That won't happen. You're protected."

Bianca only looked down, arms crossed.

"Sydney," Shane interrupted, drawing her attention back to her with her dark stare. "Do you really want to take that chance?"

She paused a moment, took in Shane's pale skin, the smooth sheen of her skin, set off by the darkness of her bangs, framing her face, illuminating her eyes.

She was taken in by her beauty.

It was enough to give her pause, before her fingers twinkled the keys, and she jolted back to her reality.

"We can't afford not to," Sydney said, voice crisp. She stood, pushing off the table, taking with her the plastic keys she couldn't seem to stop toying with. "If we wait any longer or try to bring anyone else in, Anna will find out." Marina's eyes went to the floor, eyelashes fluttering in thought. "And then she'll take the baby with her, and we'll never how to find her or see her again." Marina's eyes jolted up, and Sydney stared meaningfully. "Remember my sister. Remember me."

Marina got it. She saw the scissors torn in her heart, the calm calculation that almost made it an afterthought.

"Wait," Bianca interrupted, voice trembling, hesitant. "What does that mean?"

Sydney fingered the keys, and finally looked at them. She handed them to Bianca.

"It means," Shane interrupted, tone heavy, dark. "We're getting your baby back, if we have to kill Sydney to do it."

She jerked her head, caught her partner's stare, eyes narrowing at the inflection.

Shane only stared back.

"Well," Marina said into the silence, "If that is what we are doing, then we must not waste time." Sydney swiveled again, found Marina. On her cousin's' face was a curious smile. "You don’t think you're going alone, are you?"

Sydney's frown floated into a smirk. "Wouldn't dream of it," she replied breezily.

And that was that.

Her smile floated away, and she turned immediately to the young mother. "I need you to show me some clothes, okay? We're not really the same body type but I'm sure we can find something that would work."

Bianca looked startled, but nodded.

"Okay," Sydney said, "Lena? I need you to find out all you can about the Cambias vaults. Find out exactly what's in there if you can," she discovered Maggie, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. "Can you help her?"

Caught off guard, the small blonde, glanced self-consciously around, making sure it was indeed her that Sydney was speaking to, and chuckled nervously. "Well, I umm... I don’t really know much. I mean... Bianca went to work and I... I umm..."

She couldn’t finish.

"I'll help Lena," Bianca interjected quietly. "Maggie can help you with the clothes. She knows what I wear better than I do."

It could have been feeble. It wasn't.

"Let's go," she said, already on her way, taking her by the elbow.

"Wait." Pausing in the open door frame, Sydney turned to Bianca. The young woman looked hesitant, eyes downcast, fingers pressed to her mouth. Inhaling deeply, she looked up, glanced around the room like humble royalty. "Thank you," Bianca Montgomery finally breathed. "All of you. I don’t know where I'd be if- wait, I know exactly where I'd be if you weren't here, I'd be dead." The brief broken hearted smile she attempted was painful to see. And yet, this Kane girl stood before them all, and sincerely, gently repeated her sentiment. "Thank you."

Sydney pressed her lips together, locking eyes with her cousin and friend, and found them unsure what to say in response either.

In the end, Sydney opted for the always useful, "You're welcome."

The silence was awkward, so she turned, ready to lead Bianca's partner away.

"Wait," Maggie stammered, digging her feet in, whipping her head behind her. "What are they doing?"

Sydney paused, glancing back to her cousin and partner, already putting heads together near the counter.

"Duh," Shane said systematically. "We're going to figure out how to kick Anna's skinny spy ass."

"Okay," Sydney Bristow breathed, in that way Maggie noticed she did, like she was ready to take on the world, even when she offered her a cup of coffee. "Let's do this quickly."

Maggie frowned, settling onto Bianca's bed, sinking into the soft blankets, one hand testing the smoothness of her sheets.

She hadn't slept since she had woken up here, startled into a yelp when Bianca whispered her name, flailing and nearly falling off the bed.

It was Bianca who caught her, voice caught in a melodic laugh, holding Maggie in a firm grip, keeping her from teetering off.

"I've got you," she said, smile wide and beautiful.

"Oh my God."

Maggie shook herself from her reminiscence, and found her faltering heart suddenly amused at the glazed look on Sydney's face, as she stepped back and surveyed Bianca's wardrobe.

"Welcome to the world of Kane," she quipped, sliding off the bed, coming to stand beside Sydney, reaching into to pull one of her favorite white sweaters from the rack. "The land of Enchantment."

Sydney blew her breath out, voice weak with wonder. "This is seriously out of control."

"You're telling me." Maggie shook her head, fingering the fabric on Bianca's white jacket. "But then again, the Kanes have a legacy to uphold. Gay or not, you have to look damned good."

"Well, with this wardrobe," Sydney said, reaching into pull out another blazer, "How the hell could you not? The CIA would never spring for this."

Gathering the sweater to her, Maggie swabbed it against her cheek, pausing once what Sydney said sunk in. "The CIA?"

She could almost see the 'SHIT!' in Sydney's face, and for some reason, it made her smile.

"Don't worry," she said quickly. "Your secret's safe with me."

Sydney's shoulders deflated, and she shook her head in recrimination. "Thanks," she breathed and pulled out a dark blazer. "This might work-"

Maggie inhaled sharply. "Okay, are you going to get it dirty and bloody?"

Sydney paused. "Probably?"

"Yeah... no." Maggie yanked, taking away Bianca's Prada. "Then not that one. Sit down," she said, shoving Sydney gently away. "I'm sure she's got a somewhat old suit in here somewhere."

Shoving aside thousand dollar suits, Maggie mentally pictured Bianca in each of them.

"You really know your partner."

Maggie grinned at that, shrugging modestly. "Well... yeah." She put her hand on a linen shirt, and thought better of it, moving on. "We're not really partners..."

"You sound like you're not sure."

Maggie paused, glanced back. "You know what?" she began sheepishly, "I have no idea." Sydney's brow furrowed, and she shook her head. "Our relationship is very unspecified and weird right now."

"Is it?"

"Well... We've been friends for years, best friends. But... there's a lot of history, and..." A blue suit, Bianca didn't wear it much... "And I've been pushing Bianca, and my feelings for Bianca, away for so long, I don't know how to do anything different. Even if I want to, you know, kick it up a notch, I haven't the foggiest..." She found the matching pants, tugged them off the hanger, and turned back to Sydney, smile awkward. "We haven't even really kissed yet."

Sydney wore an odd expression, different than any Maggie had seen before.

"I don’t believe that," Sydney said, taking the clothes from Maggie. "I mean... look at you two. You're just so..."

"Intimate?" Maggie sighed, sinking down beside her. "Well... we are. I love her. You know, being in love with someone isn't just about sex. I've learned that attraction can go so much deeper. Before Bianca it was... I've been with so many guys, and sex was always... I mean it was good, it was GREAT! But one touch from Bianca..." she blew her breath out, considering the emotion that coursed through her. "It would drive me crazy. I couldn't NOT touch her, or NOT want to be with her. I didn't know what scared me more, feeling that way, or feeling that way about a woman." She blinked, suddenly overwhelmed by her emotion. "Oh my God," she began, trying to laugh away her awkwardness. "Five minutes in here, and I'm spilling my guts to a total stranger."

"It's fine," Sydney said, eyes warm and human, and really, just... different than they were before. Sydney looked ... well... beautiful.

Maggie took in a trembling breath, tried to get herself under control. "So, how long have you been with your partner?"

Sydney didn't move. "My what?"

"Your partner," Maggie said again, nodding toward the door. "You know... Shane."

"Shane," Sydney breathed, and suddenly her eyes grew wide, and she coughed, nearly choking.

"Oh, God – are you okay?"

Sydney waved her off, teetering off the bed. "I'm fine," she managed between sputters. Maggie blinked.

"Are you sure?'

"Yes, I'm fine! I'm... my partner?" Holding her palm to her chest, Sydney looked weirdly panicked. "Shane's not my partner! I mean, she's my partner, but she's my PARTNER."

Maggie had no idea what she was talking about.

"... Right."

"We're secret agents!" Sydney burst, "We work together! She's like... my PARTNER. In the... professional sense. I mean, I like her. I love her, she's my best friend, but we're not... I'm straight!"

The last explosive statement took a moment to sink in, as Maggie studied the panicked face, found it vaguely familiar.

Suddenly, she understood.

"Oh my God," she breathed in, "You're the confused straight girl!"

"The WHAT?!"

Uh-oh. "No, I meant... forget, it's dumb-"

"I have a boyfriend!" Sydney insisted, and then somehow deflated. "Okay, well... I did. We're... kinda taking a break."

"How Ross and Rachel," Maggie quipped, settling back on the bed. "Can I ask why?"

Sydney was wearing wrinkles in Bianca's suit, she was clutching it so hard, and Maggie considered asking her to cool it, but somehow wouldn't dare.

"He thinks I'm in love with someone else."

"Oh." Maggie swung her legs, letting them thud against the bed. "Are you?"

Shane was never one for nervous ticks.

Marina paused, eyebrow arching as Shane tapped at the counter with her pen, creating a series of dull clacks that were rapidly driving her insane.

"Shane." Clack. Clack. Click-click-click. "SHANE!"

"Huh?" Shane jerked her head up, bangs falling into her face. "What?"

Marina indicated her right hand, and Shane glanced down at her flexing fingers and tapping pen. "Oh. Sorry."

She put the pen down.

Marina shook her head, glancing down again at the gun she was assembling. Shane was quiet now, but she waited, it would only be a matter of time.

"Marina." And there it was. Placing the gun in her lap, Marina looked up patiently. "Can't you stop her?"

"Of course not," Marina asked smoothly. "No one's ever been able to stop Sydney from doing anything but you and her mother." Shane wore her concern on her sleeve, as obvious as her love, and it caused an ache deep in Marina's heart, where she kept her affection for her cousin, the one tangible, real thing that still existed in her life. "I think Sydney counts too much on you, Shane," she said frankly. "She uses you as her bungee cord. She goes too far because she knows you'll be there to pull her back."

She glanced up, noted Shane's expression, the way her friend stubbornly averted her eyes. "I'm her partner," Shane said flippantly. "I'm supposed to do that. And what's more, I promised."

"I find it unfair," she said slowly, deliberately. "I love my cousin, Shane, but you're committing to something that you're not a part of. You don't have to be a part of it."

When Shane didn't answer right away, Marina looked up, discovered her friend's face covered in a mask of irritation.

"I'm in it because I want to be. I love Sydney. It's because I know her that I'm not letting her do this alone. And frankly, I'd hate Sydney more if she pushed me away just to protect me."

Marina's expression froze, and to her credit, Shane saw the pain before Marina could hide it.

Shane's face immediately fell, and she cursed herself, dropping the pen yet again. "Aww, fuck, Marina. I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

But Marina was already there, lost in time.

"I'm going with you." Jenny moved, and when her eyes settled on hers, Marina's heart jolted.

Her face was a mask of conviction, and for a brief, joyful moment, Marina was ashamed to

almost consider the possibility.

"Jenny..."

"I've got nothing here," Jenny whispered, pressing her lips against Marina's, a brief peck. "All I want is you-"

"Jenny, you cannot come with me."

"Why?" she snapped, as if she was prepared for this. "WHY not."

There was a lump in her throat that was painful to speak around, and Marina closed her eyes, tried desperately to keep her tone firm. "I don't know where I'm going. I don’t know what I'll be doing-"

"Do you not want me with you?"

"No! Ay, Dios, Jenny, that isn't it at all!" Jenny's tears had already begun, and Marina could not stop them, a small bitter laugh of frustration escaping her lips as she tried again. "What Italy was, will be what my life will be. Your life here is just beginning, Jenny. You're young. You have such promise and possibility-"

"FUCK promise and possibility." Jenny lay on top of her, holding her captive with flashing eyes and a husky voice. "It's my choice. You never got yours, well I do, and I choose YOU, Marina."

"I can't let you do that." Marina shook her head, a small tear escaping before she blinked it away, tone even. "You cannot come, Jenny."

Jenny was at a curious crossroads, she could see it in her eyes. Whether to continue the argument or leave it. "Are you coming back?" she whispered. "Will you be coming back for me, Marina?"

Marina had spent enough time with Sydney, a humanizing influence, to understand that what she would say, would most likely hurt Jenny beyond repair. To cut away this love so that Jenny would live, love, die happy and fulfilled.

"No."

Just like she knew it would happen, Jenny only stared disbelievingly, before her eyes hardened and she pushed off the bed, leaving Marina cold.

"Jenny, please - I don't want it to end like this."

Jenny swallowed, gathering her clothes in a pile, head jerking in a glare. "No," she whispered. "You just want it to end."

"Marina," Shane said, hand over hers, squeezing, "I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"It's fine," Marina said gruffly, shaking her off, already burying the memory away, furious at herself for even allowing it to resurface. "This is neither the place or the time. Please, just let us continue."

Shane didn't respond, and Marina took small comfort in that, back to her gun, grimacing at the dart, careful to insert it.

"She's doing good, you know," Shane said. "You'd be proud of her."

Her heart jolted, slammed against her chest, but Marina ignored the ache, just as she ignored Shane.

The Bianca beside her was the not the Bianca Lena had left.

She had left a child, thrust tragically into adulthood with experiences that should have never come upon anyone. In her place was a beautiful woman, with poise and quiet dignity in her enigmatic expression.

Lena had known that Bianca would blossom, she had seen it in her the day they had met, had fantasized of it when they were together, dreaming of their future together.

Now the woman who had changed her world was sitting beside her, eyes permanently moist, barely kept emotion from brimming forth, and Lena was helpless.

Never in her life had she wished so desperately for Maggie's strength when it came to dealing with Bianca, but she wished it now. Maggie would have known how to deal with this stranger beside her, this beautiful woman who had lost her daughter.

"I'm sorry about your mother."

Startled from her thoughts, Lena glanced up, and found the warm brown eyes fixated on her, somber civility in her tone.

"Thank you," she managed roughly. "My mother is at rest now, that's enough for me." They fell into awkward silence, as Lena continued to type, the delicate clicks of her fingernails on the keyboard calming her.

Bianca had always surprised her, confused her, broken her, driven her to suicide. She had affected Lena so much she often wondered how it was possible for an innocent girl to bewitch such a jaded heart as hers.

Months away from Bianca had broken her spell, and yet here she was again, taken in not by the child, but the unattainable, grieving woman.

"I didn't understand," she said suddenly. "How could choose Bess and Babe over me. I thought..." she was nearly shamed to say it, "I thought somehow Maggie had gotten to you." Bianca's eyes fluttered, darkened at the words. "But I understand now," she said hastily. "I knew that you somehow knew that little girl was your child. I would have never done what I had done if I had known, Bianca."

Bianca's expression was impossible to read. "Lena," she breathed, almost tired, "That's over now."

It should have been. Lena had no reason or place to say this. "It's not," she confessed, unable to keep from touching Bianca, palm over hers, rubbing at the soft skin.

Bianca glanced down at the contact. "You and Marina are sleeping together, aren't you?"

Lena sucked in her breath, palm falling from Bianca's, irrational guilt suddenly plaguing her. "Yes," she admitted. "But our relationship is about friendship, not about love." Bianca studied her intently. "I love you, Bianca." It was inappropriate, the wrong thing to say, as Bianca's eyes flickered and she looked away. "I'm sorry," Lena whispered, suddenly angry at herself for her weakness. "I shouldn't have - it's not what you need-"

"Lena," Bianca interrupted, voice soft, passive. "I love you too."

Lena blinked, stuttering hope short circuiting when she glanced up at took in Bianca's expression.

"But not like you love Maggie," she surmised.

Bianca's mouth twitched. She didn't answer. She didn't have to.

Vaughn had asked her the question, it seemed a hundred times, and everytime, Sydney had evaded the question, flat out denied it, or used it as an argument about trust.

She loved Shane, it felt like she had always loved Shane. How was she supposed to describe the most intense friendship in her life, the feelings that always came with Shane just because it was SHANE and she had come to expect them by now?

"I don't know," she finally answered.

Maggie's eyebrow arched, and she fussed with the bedspread, pushing off of it with a sigh.

"What?" Sydney asked.

"Nothing. This just all seems terribly familiar," Maggie said, coming forward, and taking the suit from her hands. "Now please put this on instead of wrinkling it to death because it's dry clean only."

Rolling her eyes, Sydney shrugged off her sweater, began to unbutton her jeans.

"Woah-wait-what are you doing?!"

Pausing, Sydney glanced down. "Changing?" Maggie looked ready to bolt. "It's not cheating," she told her flatly.

Maggie glanced back toward the door. "Okay," she said. "I'm just... new at this whole... thing."

"I couldn't tell," Sydney said dryly.

Maggie rolled her eyes, walking away from her. "You can use your own shirt, right?"

"I think I can manage."

"Good." Sydney shook her head, kicking down her black pants and taking Bianca's, studying the slender fit. The woman was a beanpole.

"Hey, Syd?" Eyes shifting from the pants to Maggie, Sydney looked at Maggie expectantly. The smaller girl shifted on her feet, and finally just shrugged, exhaling. "It's none of my business," she said brusquely, "But that's never stopped me before." Sydney's eyes narrowed. "I spent years being the confused straight girl. If it's love, it's love. It doesn't matter what the gender is. I mean... after all those years of fighting my feelings, I nearly lost Bianca completely, and I ended up the poster child for the abusive relationship hotline. And I lost four years where I could have been with her and I wasn’t."

A suddenly chill floated down her spine, just as a hot stone settled into her stomach.

It wasn't the greatest feeling.

"I appreciate your concern," she said flatly, "But my situation isn't the same as yours."

Maggie considered that. "I hope not," she said finally, "Because I remembered what it felt like, when Bianca finally stopped waiting and moved on to someone else. When I finally realized what she meant to me, but too late." She shrugged, voice weak now. "I wouldn't wish that on anyone." She nodded, ignoring Sydney's stunned expression. "I'll let you get dressed."